Welcome to MIP! We're glad you're here. I am also a Mom with a son who has this disease. It is different than a spouse with it because of our relationship and our role. My experience has been lots of judgment and enabling from folks who don't understand the disease and draw conclusions based on their own lack of experience or knowledge of the disease and how it affects family members, friends and co-workers. I've been blamed often by my son and others in my family and outside relationships for his disease and have learned that although I can't stop the judgment or the enabling or heal my son, I can spend time with folks who do understand it, don't enable and support each other through the learnings necessary to keep or get ourselves sane and healthy. My ex was also cross-addicted, emotionally, mentally and physically abusive and died close to his 50th birthday. You're among many experienced folks here who share some of your concerns and history. Blessings for you, your son and your family.

Hi,
I woke up this morning & first thing came to the MIP board just to re read my post. I wasn't expecting any replies! I am in tears reading what each of you shared with me. Thank you so much. Though I am crying right now sometimes I think I have to cry to let my pain out.

Our A son has never been anything but apologetic to his dad and I. In fact after his 1st OWI in 2009 he was sober for 1.5 years became successful in his career and over that time period paid his dad and I back 20k for lawyers bail etc. There were many arrests fighting etc that we or LET ME SAY "I" tried to take care of monetarily.

My "normal" husband, I don't know what else to call him. His childhood and family life had very little dysfunction. So if anyone can suggest another name as I in no way mean to say that we are not "normal". He has had trouble with our son's addiction as esp in the beginning believed our son COULD STOP THE MADNESS AND WAS BEING WILLFULLY disobedient.
He does now understand somewhat now that our son has a disease and is going to be completely involved with his rehab.
The rehab our son is in a Faith, Family & 12 step program there are workshops we will be going to and an intensive 3 day retreat before my son "graduates".

I pray "normal" hubby gets a better understanding of the disease and how best to support our child. Normal hubby DID NOT want to get our son out of jail when he was arrested the 1st time 6 years ago it was only after my crying begging and pleading did he agree to bail him out. AND HIRE EXPENSIVE LAWYERS! Looking back WHAT DENIAL I WAS IN and STILL IN.

Denial is not an option my A abusive deceased husband and my dysfunctional childhood (not addiction I was youngest of 6 children) my mom was seriously mentally ill and died in a mental hospital on the night of my graduation from high school. My dad loved me so but was a quiet man and had WAY TO MUCH ON HIS PLATE, caring for my mom and 6 children. So I never had any positive affirmations.

One of my most vivid memories was when my dad had to rightfully commit my mom the first time. I was 8, why it happened when I was home I don't know. I just know cops came and put my mom in a straight jacket and she was screaming and hollering entire neighborhood came out of their homes dad asked me to stay in my room I shared with 2 sisters. I remember climbing out the window and running to a wooded area near our home I was frightened and did not grasp the situation.

I returned home later my dad did the best he could, most men especially in today's age would have left my mom and let the kids fall completely apart. Years of my mom's craziness tooks it's toll on all of us.

Funny thing SHE ABUSED MY DAD NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. My mom told me I was ugly, stupid etc.

When her medication was in the right doses she was a wonderful mom and I loved her and don't blame her for she did not mean to hurt me. She did love me in her mentally ill way.

When she died it was just my dad and I living together, this was the 70's. I was clearing out some of her things and found the medication the psychiatrist had her on. AN ENTIRE SHOEBOX OF DRUGS, many the names stayed with me way way too much stuff.
I suspect though was never told she overused her medication.

One day after she died my dad sat me down and apologized for the things my mother had done to us kids. He specifically told me "your mom did some awful things to you, I should have not let it happen" my mind reeling Dad what do you mean. He never elaborated and I was always afraid something happen I don't remember.

My oldest brother knows it all he is 13 years older and he and my 5 older siblings have filled in the blanks on the things my mom did. My dad passed away 13 years ago and while deep heart to hearts were hard (WWII VET) he is a saint to me he sacrificed so much, to keep our family together he was a GREAT GRANDPA to my kids and an honorable man with good life advice.

I am thankful he stayed with us even though he was abused but he paid a price too. I do miss my daddy.

I meant this to be short but find some peace in spilling it as we say.
Thank you all for supporting me I have cried through this post but a needed relief cry. Today I thank God for my new friends, my family and know as long as I as KEEP working the steps of Al Anon and realize my illness this too shall be ok.
Faith

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

I love the Serenity Prayer Posted as a reminder to Self :)

I am totally and competely in utter awe of you..what a beautiful spirit you have.  Your shares have broken my heart and I so hope there has been some healing happening for you through your posts to us.  Sometimes I wish I could kiss all the boo boos and make it all ok, but I  learned through my own addictions that I cannot nor is it helpful to do so.  Our hearts do ache differently when our children experience the dreadfullness of this disease.  I, too, have a son that is an alcoholic...loving him is easy; living with the "what if's" can take me to those ugly places.  So, I gently place him and his family in those strong, gentle and loving hands of their HP.  Then I make them dinner  Bless you and your loved ones and keep coming back here to us.

Wow, wonderful pots. I have tears in my eyes while reading them. Al-anon will help you recover. This site is amazing and so are all of the people who participate. Good thoughts and hugs are sent your way!

{Cathy}}

We admitted we are powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable.....

Absolutely I know alcohol that stupid liquid I AM POWERLESS OVER IT- My life is unmanageable ......

I am ready to believe a power greater than myself can restore my sanity.

Let go and Let God

{{{Faith}}}

 

Aloha Faith and welcome to the board...I relate to your younger year and  to the disease progressing outward into next generations.  I was born and raised in the dysfunction of alcoholism and drug abuse and because of the program am now able to gain and maintain my peace of mind and serenity even as the affects of the prior generation continue to reach out.  Presently I am taking a time out to center and hook up with my Higher Power because I will be contacting my younger brother and also my eldest son in participation of life.  I can choose what I want to do and say and how to do and say it within the guidelines of the program and how I was taught.  I can choose to be crazy also.  I've learned so much in recovery and still hold on to the truth that it is only about progress and not perfection.   There was soooo much dysfunction in my past and I need to remember that and also know I should not bring that forward into the present...it's a choice I choose not to make.  I've only gotten solutions that work from within the program of Al-Anon and AA (I'm doubled) so I don't have to make up anything "special".  All I have to do...by choice...is practice, practice, practice and remind myself of prioity...God first...me next...others there after.  Go find a sponsor...that is a hugely precious tool, and Keep coming back!!  ((((hugs)))) 

Hi, Faith. I think its best for us to get involved in the Al-Anon program ourselves and let others decide what they want to decide. One of the most difficult things for me as a family member has been my choice "not to go with the flow" - many family members drinking, others laughing or ignoring the signs of alcoholism - and getting into the program for earnest myself. Denial is a big part of this disease and your daughter may not be ready to accept what you see to be your son's alcoholism. I wouldn't push it. I'd just go myself and do the recovery work myself. There may come a time when your daughter asks to go to meetings with you if she starts to take up where you left off with your son.

My daughter did that and now is no longer speaking to her brother and also will not attend Al-Anon. Just like we can't make our loved ones stopped drinking - we can't make our other loved ones see that they will need to make changes, too. My family would offer my alcoholic son who suffered lots of alcohol-related trouble drinks at family gatherings and then deny that they offered him any at all. I would be sitting right in the room with them as they opened the fridge and handed him a beer and yet they'd deny they'd ever given him alcohol - so steeped in the disease that they are.
I learned that encouraging my daughter once and doing what I needed to do for me was the best way to handle her choice to avoid Al-Anon. I also let go of encountering my siblings over offering my son drinks when they knew he had a drinking problem and just let them do what they were going to do as he was going to do what he did. I had no control over anyone but me and still don't.  Now, I spend time with my daughter and my siblings who don't drink although they live many miles away.  The disease has progressed in the others and I just don't want to be around them anymore and they don't want to be around me.  Most have become mean and know exactly what knives to turn and then laugh about it.  I know they're sick.  I know I can't change them.  I pray for them and for my son and daughter.  But, I also do what I need to do for me and keep close to the folks who are healthy for me and me for them.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 8th of July 2013 07:35:02 PM

I think so many of us think we are superhuman. Anyone dealing with what you have dealt with would expect to slip up every now and again.  As a former superhuman I am in awe of the expectations we put on ourselves.  Now my expectations are far more reasonable of me.  Most of all they are reasonable about any alcoholic/addict in my life. I expect them to be as they are rather than to be as I need them to be.  That is such a gift to me because I certainly could not face reality on any level most of my life.  I had good reason to be that way and I have such a gift in being able to be where I am rather than obsessed with what someone else needs to do to get me to where I want to be.

For years I did everything for the now ex A. I held him up so many times.  I paid and paid and paid but most of all I paid emotionally.  I always did feel I needed to bail him out in so many ways.  I leaned on a lot of people to bail him out and I created a lot of animosity because of course everyone has their limits.  I had none and I prided myself on that I had none when it came to what I called "love".

The disease of alcoholism can happen to anyone.  It is a equal opportunity disease.  I do not know anyway to arrest it but to take care of myself rather than take care of everyone else but me.  Indeed what I called taking care of the ex A was sometimes not taking care but a feeling of tremendous desperation, fear and absolute panic.  I have learned that those feelings are all normal in the face of such a virulent, destructive disease.  I can be human rather than superhuman these days. 

I know I went through a lot of craziness over alcoholism, money issues, homelessness, illness, severe depression.  No one here is going to judge, label or castigate you for what you didn't do for your son.  Many people who grow up in normal healthy environments succumb to alcoholism as do many who grow up with dysfunctional families. I know the disease loves to label and reason and blame. But really there is no blame.  The disease is just there and has to be dealt with.  The irony of alcoholism is of course that the person who needs to deal with it lives in denial and in so many ways the ones around them have to.  Facing down alcoholism is no easy task and I can only do it with a lot of support, care and the ability to love myself.

I am so glad you found your way to this board and the warmth, faith and comfort of so many people here.  I have learned to thrive here. 

I treasure the moments when I can come to terms with how neglectful, helpless and dysfunctional my family are.  Compassion is a huge release for me.  But most of all I have to remember everyday I have to have compassion for myself.  Every day in so many ways I have to learn how to be kind to myself and be good to my goals rather than feel I am not worth much. 

I still can fall back into expecting  so much from myself every day when the odds were always against me.  I had no chance as a child to live in anything resembling safe.  Every moment of every day I was not sure if I was going to live or not because my parents were so out of control on a daily basis.  They certainly tried to function but they couldn't and there were casualties. I learned to cope in very very dysfunctional ways.  I learned to care for others as a way to try to get some kind of crumbs of human caring for myself.  I no longer expect some heroic effort every day from myself.  I had to do that every day as a child in order to look like I was functioning in the world.  These days I no longer create environments where I have to give my entire life essence every day in order to survive.  I certainly struggle daily to do what is the next right thing but I do not drown in someone else's painful legacy as I did when I was a child.

In al anon I learned to detach and work on detachment daily.  I can feel sad for others but their pain is theirs not mine and I am able to distinguish the two.

For me the al anon process is a lifelong one. I certainly am aware of all my shortcomings every day but I no longer beat myself up or feel tremendous shame about where I came from or where I am.

 

maresie.

 

Ah, Faith. Your feeling your feelings helped you see things a little differently. Don't you love how this program works? We admit to our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. We share it. We keep an open mind. We receive what others share. We take what we like and leave the rest.
We expand our thinking and we try a new behavior on for size. (((Faith and her family)))

Hi, Faith. Just found this. I'm not mentally ill but healthy as diagnosed by both a trained psychologist who is certified in alcoholism and substance abuse and a therapist with a doctorate in pastoral care and counseling who also has done work with 12-step programs. I found the guy/psychologist I used to see by checking around with people in my home group. The field of alcoholism and drug addiction is still pretty unaddressed. I had a gal majoring in social work who did an internship with my organization. She had absolutely no education in her 4th year on even terms for alcoholism/substance abuse let alone what symptoms to look for in a client presenting some of what we'll see with people affected by alcoholism and drug addiction.

I'm not sure what you're meaning by weird programs? If you're meaning Al-Anon, I used to fight it, too, and I don't put all my eggs into that basket alone. I'm multifaceted and enjoy learning about myself and life in other areas, too. (((Faith))) 

You might want to make a gratitude list too.  It could very well be much greater than the list of woes?  If I look only at what is distressing to me, I feel weak and helpless.  If I look at all the benefits, gifts and pleasantries that are mine - I feel safe, secure, content, happy and able to do what I need to do for me and for my community.  Works for me.  Might work for you.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 11th of July 2013 09:24:45 AM