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I have not been on here since my last visit with my son. I am working on my recovery in healing, but i am having a hard time on letting go.. I stop and think (PROJECTION) what is it going to be like when he comes home. If not home just back in the town he ran a muck.. I see my son so spiritual so close to his god and being so honest with his step dad and I when we see or talk with him. I am dying inside when he is open and honest, but I hear him. I tell him I love him and materialistic stuff don't matter but he would never be replaceable!! He tells me mom I was not at my bottom but I was tired of being tired and you know I that was not me it was the drugs.. I blamed you for everything but that's what us A's do is put the blame and guilt on some one else to give us an excuse to use because I knew you would have been there for me regardless. When I hear him talk to me and he is saying all this I choke up. I guess I am just not where I truly need to be. He has been in rehab since May and he has gave himself to god. Where am I going wrong. Why am I still feeling stuck?? He is either going to pass me by and I'll be holding on to the past, that I maybe his trigger if I continue this way. Then we are back to square one AGAIN.. Why is this happening to me??
Your son sounds as if he is truly on his way. I am so glad that you shared and are seeing the pattern of YOUR disease.
Living with the disease of alcoholism we become severely affected and really need a program of recovery. Alanon, Steps, Sponsor, Daily meetings and reading of literature are the medicine needed to arrest the negative thinking that enveloped me. These fears and anxiety are a direct result of living with alcoholism and alanon tools are the medicine
Please keep reaching out and sharing
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 6th of July 2013 10:59:58 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 6th of July 2013 06:58:53 PM
Gaby: Good to hear your son is progressing. Are you going to meetings? Have a sponsor? Reading literature? If so - what step might be helpful to you today?
It's now time for you to start your recovery. Do you want to be left behind? I don't think so.....
I waited so long to start my recovery it was so bad for me. No my son isn't in recovery but he is trying and that I can be grateful for. With me in recovery I can be ready for anything that might come my way. Al-anon, MIP and my HP has given me this wonderful gift of recovery.
Take care of you and don't be a stranger here...we can help with those feelings....we know we have them too.
You and your son are in my thoughts
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
When I hear him talk to me and he is saying all this I choke up. I guess I am just not where I truly need to be. He has been in rehab since May and he has gave himself to god. Where am I going wrong. Why am I still feeling stuck?? He is either going to pass me by and I'll be holding on to the past, that I maybe his trigger if I continue this way. Then we are back to square one AGAIN.. Why is this happening to me??
Dear Gaby, I am so happy to see your son working his program and you are too, I am reading a lot of joy in your post for him and I am reading confusion and sadness, too re: your take on your recovery
I don't see that you are stuck, I see that you are kinda "comparing" your program to his...Dear Bagy, this is not a race..Sometimes I get on here and I read posts and think "gee, I am not even CLOSE to her/him on such and such" but maybe later down the road, I see myself progressing maybe a bit faster than so and so about another area
We all grow at our own speeds, some stuff I "did pretty good with" and other stuff, I have to pound away, chip by chip like a stone mason with the hammer and chizel, wondering WHY this one letter on my "life tablet" is so dam hard to chip..
My big thing is the fear thingy...I wrestle with it and wonder "why am I stuck w/this so bad???" and I guess it is b/c it was the area where I was so badly hammered back as a chld....fear was how the monster controlled us
So I do.,one day at a time...one issue at a time...and sometimes I gotta do it one hour at a time
I see You are here...I see You are reach out..I see you willing to move forward and , trust me, willingness and even ???ing an issue means , in my opinion, that you are willing, open, honest and those 3 things are what helps us go forward
Keep coming back..We are here for ya............PEACE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
(((Gaby)))...that one statement in the closing of all of our face to face meetings; "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" was the very first promise that came true for me in Al-Anon. All I wanted was help and I didn't know what form it should be in. Fear is an emotion...we all gots it and we all have used it too. Compulsive fear like compulsive drinking and using. I was in it all the time and it became an emotional habit and so I most always went there first. I was born and raised within the disease and fear was the first emotion I can remember feeling and then the only one I can remember feeling. As I got older and married my first spouse was an addict and I was still addicted to fear and then it started to show up as anger and rage and still fear came first. My second spouse; alcoholic/addict and the fear was still there always waiting...my default emotion. When and if the discussion ever got to other emotions I was lost always and didn't give up fear until like yourself I stayed in the rooms and in the lessons with an open mind. I learned that fear by default was lodged in my brain...that I always expected it and that I was convinced before inspection and evidence that everything was going to turn out bad and then I'd trip right into anger and rage again. Fear had me lose and give away control of my feelings and behavior and I got tired of the rage and anger and the consequences that had on my alcoholic/addict wife and other innocent victims. I went after healing and the first lesson was the opposite of fear is faith and so I learned and practiced faith that I would be okay. I was okay and it was slippery...still okay. I needed to know more and learned the opposite of anger is acceptance and so I had two deterrents to help me. I learned the acronym for F.E.A.R. False Evidence Appearing Real...It was false in my head old stories and messages and experiences that created my fears and when I learned that I learned to put space between what triggered me and when I reacted...time space...seconds to consider and relook at the picture...alter my perspective to determine if the fear was real and justified or only a poor perspective and so often it was the latter. The last lesson came about two years ago...one on one with my HP standing over my shoulder watching a film of a fullgrown lion reaching thru the bars of his cage out to a diminutive Indonesian woman standing outside of his cage and his huge paws circling her body and pulling her into the iron bars and then rubbing his cheek against her face softly. My intitial reaction was fear...terror until I found out that the woman had found the lion as a cub and raised it until givin it over to the zoo because she no longer could care for it and he rose up much taller than she and returned her caring. I looked at the picture with awe and then behind me my HP asked...what is it that you see and I replied "No fear...no fear at all" (in either of them) to which my HP replied "Yes Love". "Love is the absence of Fear"...the opposite is also true.
My sponsor taught me to question without anxiety, "what is it that I am afraid of"? and to search for the honest answer until I know. Alcoholism and Drug abuse is about fear...don't feel less than cause you're not alone. Stay with us. In support. (((((hugs)))))
