I think on a Friday people are often out or just too tired to post, so the fact that your message didn't get ESH is probably because of that.

It sounds as if your sister's actions are very painful, and keeping ourselves out of harm's way is important to do.

I think there is probably no single "right" way to do it.  Contacting her does engage with her again, so that's a danger.  Sometimes I do wish people would explain to me why they've stopped contacting me.  But I am relatively healthy (I hope!!) and able to reflect on my flaws (maybe all too much).  It can also just clarify things to say "I'm going to be out of contact" or "This is too painful so I'm not going to be replying any more."  However, a lot of people would just take that like a red flag to a bull, and be even more pushy and difficult and stalker-like, and you don't want that. 

Either way, a lot of people have a hard time taking No for an answer.  And you may have frequent practice in sticking to your boundaries for a while. 

"Shunning" sounds very emotional, as if you are punishing her.  As I see it, you are protecting yourself, rather than striking out against your sister.  Or at least that's the loving way to take care of yourself.  That's what you're doing.  I remember reading that cutting someone off is just taking the same intensity and expressing it in a new way.  I think the healthy way forward is to remove the intensity.  Lots of meetings and program will help you be detached and remove that painful intensity.  take good care of yourself.

Cathyinaz wrote:

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Me......I would confront the person and tell them what I want and what I DON"T want from them. It's over so leave me alone or legal channels will be look into.

Oh.....and this is not a threat it's a promise..

Take care and have a good life

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Take what you like and leave the rest.... my friend

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 WOW....SICK em Cathy.......And yea, Its almost like I am being stalked....hmmm  she isn't threatening me, just trying to get back in my good graces....she is in CA and I am in TX......but yea,  if she gets nasty or threatening,  I just might tell her "back off or I will look into legal channels"...hmmmmm   , very interesting   thanks and thanks to ALL of you.....

yea, I posted this at bad time...its not a real SOS type thing bc/ I am not being hurt, or threatened or anything like that,  Its just this nice well meaning friend of mine said she thought I was being "cold"  not telling this witch why I don't want anything to do w/her

BUT. , and I am remembering the "before break ups"  when I DID tell her she was poison and no good for my recovery and she was poisoned with her hate for me and I didn't want it around me so I did tell her  b4 that if she ever jabbed me again,  it was OVER...like she will NOT exist to me.....so I did tell her what I wold do if she went at me again....I would kick her to curb and never ever again, go back to that curb

so if she gets in anyway threatening, I am gonna look into stalking and am I being stalked....and if I am, maybe I can ask the police in MY town what do I do???

She has cancer and wold never think I was worthy of a visit,  (thank God) , but yea, I am gonna see if these  "come back" messages turn ugly..

Thanks you all

grateful2be wrote:

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 I'm a closure person rather than an open-ended person and don't like to leave loose ends, so I'd probably just choose to be true to myself and trust the outcome. That was something stressed in CODA when I attended meetings that were held in my area and The Language of Letting Go was what we based our understanding on. I'm one who thinks life is hard enough without having to guess what's going on in the minds and hearts of a friend or family member, so I give what I want to receive.

But again, that's me. As Louise Hay says: "There are 1,000 different ways to handle the same thing." So, whatever you choose to do, as long as you ask for HP's guidance, check out your motives and act on that guidance and self-knowledge, I don't think you can go wrong.

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 ya know??? thinking of all the answers here, and I like that  " 1,000 different ways to handle the same thing"   

This gal, if I were to respond in ANY way, she is gonna take that as a  "I got her"   "I pushed her button"  no matter how I responded...she would smell a door opening and push me MORE.....I reviewed our past...........even took notes.........what would happen......my response (leaving her, banning her to outter circle or ban her OUT...Period)  and her response

I wold "give her another chance" as asked for and she would burn me again.....I see her patterns as I took notes......she wants her punching bag back....she has this  "hate" for me that goes waaaaay back......even b4 I came forward about the abuse and changed my name....those 2 last actions only fueled her already simmering hate for me in that she wants a relationship w/me  to ABUSE me, to victimize me...

NOW I am in control...I took my pwer back by walking away and not looking back.....after taking notes, after reading you all and your very wise and appreciated shares, I see that sometimes, I don't NEED to tell a person WHY i must kick them to the curb.....intimate relationships are optional...I can leave at any time and the  letters   "   J A D E "  keep coming to my mind.....

you guys helped me confirm what I need to do.........silence........no response.........evil cannot respond if there is NO action...........what is more important??? the last word?? or my serenity?????.............yep, I see what I gotta do......THIS is gonna work.........yea, she will try but I am more strong and stubborn than she is..........

AND the beauty of this all is......She CANNOT hurt me anymore b/c at some point....don't know which "jab" did it but she broke the bonds if there ever were any,  she snapped what frail bonds we MAY have had.....they are broken.....

i no longer hate her.........I dont' believe I ever loved her.........she was just there..........and all the  "OH she is family"  BS........DNA is soooo overrated..........that is a lesson I learned in alanon...........thank you program

and THANK ALL OF YOU for helping me see the  picture from an arial view where I can see but as Jerry said  "keep my hands in my pockets"   I am keeping my hands off this hand grenade and I will let her blow up all by herself....

PEACE, my friends  

Dear Neshama,

No posts are ever silly or dumb.  You received lots of great shares to a difficult situation...I did not see the original post so I was confused at first.  You seem to have a strong recovery program so I am sure your response will be perfect for the time being