The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Nights topic at the Wednesday Night Turning Point AFG. Wish you all were there. It was a hummer and I am grateful for it cause HP kept prodding me on the important points to listen to with an open mind. It isn't only the poor me feelings. It can be and has been demonstrated thru anger and rage. I feel hurt and disrespected can be expressed with clenched jaws and fists. Angry language...not only what I say and how I say it. I shared my early sponsors first self pity lesson with me..."would you like some cheese with that whine"? God that statement still comes with high voltage to my nervous system and jaw muscles. Still I'm so grateful for that event. For those of you who celebrate the 4th (of July that is) have a fun time. (((((hugs)))))
NOW..that is not to say I don't feel compassion for me and my inner child when I have been crapped upon or "done wrong" by someone, so yea, I can feel compassion for me, but then its time to set an internal boundary
Like with my daughter..I won't let her set me up for any more ruined holidays....a poster on my thread said they could feel my anger..I am not angry anymore...Really today was the clincher..I was pulling out of my drive and I see her going somewhere with the kids who never come visit me and I just waved bye bye at them and drove on to the pool
I have accepted that I have no life with daughter #2 and its OK, I mean its not what I had wanted, but I am OK with ME and I have accepted it
acceptance does not mean I have to like it or agree with it...I just accept her as she is and to me acceptance is "ok this is how it is w/her and it is not going to change"
When I came to acceptance, I was able to grieve this relationship that will possibly never be close, and make the decision to go about life on my own with other folks who do want to be with me
Had a blast at the pool...met 2 gals and their kids and yea, it kinda made me think of "C" and the closeness we do not have, but I do have my oldest girl with whom I am very close and I have a child here who is one of my best friend's son and he is more my grandchild than my own....he loves me and wants to see "gramma" all the time...
When he is out of vacation bible school, we will be swim buddies.....acceptance to me is making my peace with what is and moving on
I hope this reply is not tooo off topic, but your post made me think of somethings...
Thanks
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I have been there many times hearing the insanity in the background. The fear and hurt inside can really take a toll on the jaw. I'm grateful that I don't have that mess in my life as my son is alone now with no one to blame so that kind of phone call is not there. I pray that all is calm now but to find out might just cause more pain.
Let Go Let God.....I have...one day at a time.
Peace be with you my friend we are here for you.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Peace seems to be the word of the night for me to say to my MIP peeps and for me to hear. My jaw is clenched as I am listening to the sound of firecrackers when I would like to be asleep. I am guessing my hp wants for me to be reading posts I need to read thanks for your post, Jerry....enjoy a big ol hug
I could have sworn when I saw the title I thought this was one of my threads hahahha. Normally, I am the one coming on here talking about my past dragging me down and you're right here to remind me to leave where it's meant to be. Behind me !
I get you though. For me self-pity came out in the form of verbal attacks. I was so scared at the prospect of going through life alone I would put down those who accomplished things with 'help'. Whether it be financially, spiritually, through networking. I later learned that everyone needs a helping hand and I was angry and frustrated that I never got one. I had a lot of amends to make and one day at a time I am learning to deal with my acts of self-pity.
Ahh... one of my very favorite "aha" moments in my recovery, was being "outed" for my self-pity.
I was at my ex-AW's Treatment Center, and was given an opportunity to speak with one of her counsellors there, just after our family conference. He asked me "is there anything else you would like to discuss?", and I told him "Yes - sometimes I want my AW to just drink again, so I can walk away from this marriage, honorably and justified, etc...."
Now, I had been in Al-Anon about 2-3 years by this time, and did NOT think I was still hanging out by the pity pot. I probably assessed myself as "almost recovered" (laughably so), and I think I was used to having people feel sympathy for my plight. I was most likely expecting some sort of "Oh Tom, I'm so sorry - it must be painful" kind of response (goodness knows I had received a lot of that from others), and this counsellor's response took me by complete surprise....
Here is what he said:
"Of course you do, that way you can continue to blame your AW for 100% of what is wrong in your life, and continue NOT to take personal responsibility for any of your shortcomings."
Well, I was shocked, aghast, speechless - because he was so..... so........ RIGHT!
Thanks for the wonderful reminder Jerry. We all need to sit on our pity pot once in awhile, to be sure, but it is not a place where I can ultimately find true recovery and contentment.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
thanks for your post, Jerry....enjoy a big ol hug