The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am looking at my happy 4th of July post and I am thinking....OK Yea, I was codep. but I know in my heart I was a good mom....THAT is probably the ONE thing I did NOT screw up on...
However, that said, I still presented the program by example to my girls...The older one glommed on to it like a pro...Just tucked right in...Works her program like a gr8 little worker bee and when I asked her for a report card, she told me that no matter what, I was always a good mom..Better to the kids then I was to myself...
Daughter #2 doesn't "need it"...Its not that she gets nasty about it but no matter what the topic, she just gives me this blank stare, when I tell her I feel like dung warmed over when she "has to punish me" and won't tell me what I did...Its the same thing..."Nothing mom" yet she goes out of her way to diss me on plans we make, or a no show when I got so sick and needed her to help me last summer when I had near pneumonia (Older daughter is still not wanting much to do w/her over THAT one) Older daughter lives in MD..Younger is next door to me
Anyway, I have tried to communicate, tried to listen to her if she would open up...Tried to show her that she can talk to me and no matter what it is "we will deal"
I don't think she has ever really really "liked me"..I know that sounds dumb, but when she needs me??? Oh yea, she loves me to death..When she does not need me??? I don't exist...When I was so sick last summer she PROMISED the nurse who came out to examine me and who wanted to put me in hosp for the night.."C" promised that she would check up on me....When the nurse left?? So did "C" and I never saw her for DAYS
I think that is when I just decided to throw up my hands and love her, yes, but love her from a distance...Give her over to her maker and back off...My older daughter gives me joy..This one gives me pain and when I tell her that her actions make me feel very used and unappreciated and unimportant, she just says "I know..U R right" and does nothing, shares nothing, there is nothing I can work with
So I had to get back into MIP and work on me and just LET THIS GO...I am "ok"....It hurts that my own kid could give a rats butt about me, but that is the facts and I cannot change her, but I can take care of me, I warned her that if she didn't give me something to work with, and kept jabbing me, I would distance myself from her and I AM...
Tomorrow, I am going to seize the day with good cheer like I said in my post and I am going to have FUN...I will putter in my Living room as I watch the tennis and I will then go to the pool and then maybe treat me to a Papa John's pizza....they know I love cheese and they PILE it on for me, LOL
Anyway, I can't do much with a blank stare and a "yea, u r right, mom" and nothing else...She was always a "challenge" to me and I kept getting kicked in the teeth until program experience and changing me, eased that up and it eased up b/c I less and less put myself "out there" for her to jab me again.
She is like my oldest sister whom I had to permanently separate from....Sneaky...Not open...Not direct..Mean to people and enjoys it.....She will back door you in a heart beat...Not dangerous, but Not healthy, emotionally to be around....Both of them just love to give you a "jab" and watch you get triggered...Well??? I took me away form the sister from hell and I can and have distanced myself from younger daughter...
I am too old and life is too short to screw with people who don't even care to be honest and direct with me and willing to meet me half way.....Its never their fault..Its always mine..The sky will faff b4 either one of them takes responsibility for their wrong doing....Of course it is MY defect, never theirs.......NOT!!!!! yea, I have had my parts in breakups, etc. and I have owned my share...Thats all I got to own...
-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 4th of July 2013 01:12:55 AM
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi Neshema.
I demanded that my family members (and everyone else around me) be who/what I wanted them to be.
My asking was not asking - it was demanding.
That gave them power over me.
My parents just can't give emotionally. I thought they just WOULDN'T give but clearly they CAN'T - otherwise they would, right?
The more I demanded they be who I wanted, the more they withheld.
I wanted them to hear me, validate me, love me.
They can't. They're spiritually diseased like much of society.
So I have to go back to this always: "What do I want?"
And change that.
AAs Big Book talks in the 2nd half of step 12 (practice these principles in all out affairs) about a Solution that is for dealing with all people. Alanon have me further tools. Thinking of what I can offer to the occasion. What can I GIVE? Not expect.
And leaving or hanging up phone with kindness and brevity the minute
I get that "feeling".
I'm the one God had do generously blessed with a program of recovery. They don't have that. Even some folx who do don't get it!
Acceptance.
Surrender to Win.
Hi Neshema, I'm sorry that you are struggling with your daughter. It's weird when our kids become their own persons and don't take responsibility for who they are and for what they've done. It's not your job to take that on, right. You did the best you could as a parent and your HP knows that. You don't a report card from them, you don't need their validation. My mother knows she screwed up big time with us as kids and we forgive her. I know she did the best she could, and I've told her so. My younger sister doesn't get it and harbors some resentments that I find unfounded. But, that's just who she is.
I do hope you have a great 4th. I'm sitting here watching tennis but it's still early here. I live in Phoenix so it's going to be very hot here and we don't have much planned. Enjoy your day!
You know that is right...I DONT need a report card and I don't need vlidation...I think I asked my older girl that is b/c if I owed any amends, lets deal with them and put it behind us.....Like it was my step 9 for her....and for the younger one too....I wanted to make sure the leaves were swept off my side of the street and then end it
I did the amend..I owed my mistakes and NOW its done.....I do the inventory and amends if needed on a current basis now....the past is gone...I faced my mistakes and made the changes necessary to live healthier
Thanks for confirming that I do NOT need a report card....
And I agree with the demanding....I think, looking back the part where I messed up was with younger one, my getting frustrated w/her subtle sabotaging me, punishing me etc.....I give when I can and when I got it and dont' expect any return ...I give out of my heart...out of love...If I don't have it, I don't give...I have to take good care of myself first
I love to give, but I do it sensibly...I check my motives first ...I check my "supply inventory" CAN i give?? w/out shortchanging me??? Is the giving out of my heart??? Like I said, I check my motives...If my motives are not pure and clean, I hold off..
I know there are times when a proven loved one needs something, its dire, and sometimes I have to go the Xtra mile b/c they have done it for me, oh yea, this program is a lot about common sense nd listening to my inner voice within...
I am going to go on with my life, live it the best I can and do my best for me so I can share that self love with others and if a person does not want me or accept me??? Ok...Move on...accept it and move on...
I don't even plan anymore w/younger daughter....I go odat with her....I think I am more of a neighbor then a mom, but thats ok...I am taking care of and protecting my heart.....I am sweet to her when she is sweet to me...when she is pulling the "jab" mom stuff, I exit....keep my distance and enjoy life by myself and there are plenty of things I can do
last thanksgiving was the turning point for me....B/c of her standing me up and ruining plans for me....I haven't had Xmas or T/Giving w/her in ages
This last thanksgivng she BEGGED me NOT to volunteer at the nursing home but to have holiday w/her and the kids who ever come to play in my yard...I cornered one of them and asked "why don't you come and jump on the trampolene???" he said, unguardedly that "mom doesn't let us come over"....I said ok...and told him I wold not tell his mom what we talked about
anyway, T/Giving comes, I have told the NH I can't volunteer and they say "ok, we willl get another volunteer" I get ready for T/Giving and "C" decides last minute to go out w/her husb. I don't even know about it, They just get dressed and go, I call to see what I can bring (dish) to the dinner, when R we getting together, when do I come over??? and she says "oh we are going out...sorry"
I spent holiday by myself..I was not invited to go to husb. relatives and I wasn't comfortable anyway b/c I do't think some of his bros. really like me.....husb. is "ok" but not that warm to me....
Anway, I spent T/Giving alone and I made up my mind....NO MORE holiday plans with this kid...who last minute sabotages me.....Then, after words, my cousin came over to see me and "C" calls me and complains she wants to see me...does not see enough of me......I say her aunt "R" is coming to stay the night w/me and "why don't we all go out for lunch tomorrow"....."C" is all "excited" and so we make plans
"R" comes over and we had a gr8 night...we got up next day and I call "C" and tell her "we are coming over in 5 MINUTES.....we are coming" she says "ok, gonna be ready to leave when you get here"
We arrive in 5 minutes and "C"'s niece on her husb. side says to me ""C" is napping and does not want to be disturbed.......what happened in FIVE MINUTES???? we come to take her out and she won't even come out of bedroom to explain
I say "ok..tell "C" I will be too busy to come back" "R" and i go out...we eat....have fun...run around town, visiting old friends....we get back in evening and I get a call from "C".....the old "sorry mom" and I asked her if she got sick or what??? "NO, I am fine" I know hubby didn't do anything b/c A--he is very good to her...and B---hes not even THERE.....
same ole same ole, so I told C that I had warned her she was pushing the envelope with me and from now on, no plans with her., I am going my own way, making my own enjoyment and IF we ever get together, she will have to show up at my house, car keys in hand and we go.....Otherwise no more putting me out there for her to "jab" again
that was last T/Giving and the 2 months after that when "R" visited....so from Feb. on, I am doing my own thing and she can do her thing....
she has "colded" me for the last time....I won't set me up anymore....I did the best by her....That is all I could do...I won't "pay" anymore for imagined wrongs that she won't even TELL me about
so holidays are minus her and my oldest is in MD , visiting in NC on vacation and I miss her...I just want her and my dear SIL whom I love as my own son, to have fun
anyway that is some history as to why I had to set an internal boundary on "C" and take care of me....I didn't do it w/hope she would change....I CANT change her ....I CAN and DID change me.....I am good with that
No...I do not need validation by her...by anyone....i have faith in my program and I have faith I have made all proper and real amends re: my mistakes.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I hear your anger. I identify. I went through this with my parents. It was the other way around but the same thing.
These people are sick like us. But we have a solution.
I can't be angry unless I have expectations.
I had to do steps 1-8, and after that I sat with God and prayed over 48 hours about each person on
My amends list. I listed all the harms I had done (for my parents there were about 8 or so major things that covered the picture of it all.)
I called each parent separately (two separate relationships) and asked, for instance when I got to my mother, if I could meet at her at her convenience at a place of her choice.
I showed up exactly on time. There was no chit chat. It was very spiritual. I thanked them for their time and said I wante to admit and apologize for harms I caused them in the past.
I needed very specific directions on what to say and lots of help with wording - from a woman who had been through the same work I was doing that lots of Alanons are doing now - straight out of AAs Big Book.
I told her what I had done and then asked her if I had left anything out.
There was one thing she mentioned and I said she was right because she was.
Then I gave her a hug and left.
In and out.
I didn't talk to her for about 5 days. I wanted to leave it and let God do His work.
That is a formal, direct amends from the heart thinking of only the other person. We don't talk about their wrongs. This is about My Part.
Once we make amends for something, they will sometimes want us to pay again.
We don't.
If boundaries need to be set I set them but not with words, I.e. "I won't tolerate this." That's all pride. Where is God in that picture???
I just say I gotta go now. Enjoy your night.
My mother pulls the holiday stuff on me too. I have experienced EXACTLY what you have, ending up
All screwed up and alone and majorly depressed on those days.
In my heart I KNEW I should have had a Plan B ready because I know what to expect. But I didn't because I wanted an excuse to be depressed, in self-pity and to blame her for my not taking care of myself.
Expectations, expectations, expectations.
If they wanna come over, great. If they don't show up
I enjoy my other company. I don't rely on her.
A True Friend is going to give you the truth, not baby you or validate your resentments and keep you stick in that angry place.
We want to be free in recovery!!!
If I am. disturbed the problem is inside of me, not outside. No one has any power over me.
And if the problem is inside of me, therefore so must be the solution (God and the 12 steps.)
I wish you Peace as you continue your journey.
May God bless you in your heart with His Love and Principles and the Willingness to continue to Seek Him.
