I've been to several al anon meetings now but I am really confused - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been to several al anon meetings now but I am really confused

deacon · Senior Member

From what I am hearing, I have to change myself before there will be any solution to my husband's drinking. He had a major drinking problem over thirty years ago and solved it by just quitting drinking altogether. For thirty years, he did not drink at all. About five years ago, he decided that he could drink socially. At first that was ok but, when he starts with a beer here and there, soon it becomes a beer or two every day. For a long time he hid it from me and kept all the alcohol in his garage. When I 'outed' him, he said that he would stop altogether again. Problem is that he hasn't. And he does not seem to understand that it is very obvious when he has been drinking, his speech is slurred and he gets argumentive. So I told him that I would not live with an alcoholic, that he being a grown man could drink if he wanted to, but that I being a grown woman had the right to not live with him.

He stopped for quite a while maybe only having a drink when he went golfing. I knew that and accepted it to some extent. And now here we go again. With the problems with our son, he has begun drinking again. He thinks I do not know. Which is ridiculous as his whole personality changes when he drinks even after only a couple of beers. And to be honest, I think he is using our son as an excuse for his increased drinking.

I love this man, he is a good, wonderful husband most of the time. This is the only problem we have in our marriage but it is looming ever larger. I hate to go away for the day as I know he will have been drinking a lot when I am not there. I fear him getting a DUI or causing an accident that will strip us of everything we own. I am scared and it is impacting on my mental state.

So how will me changing the way I think solve the problem of him drinking. I know I am not that far into the program to really get it but I am finding that I cannot just ignore what he is doing and live my own life because our lives are intertwined. Is setting boundaries telling him that if he drinks the marriage is over? I am so confused as I don't want to divorce him but I also cannot live like this much longer.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Deacon and welcome to the board. Suggestion?...scroll back in the hundreds of post on this MIP board and read the many other offerings of others who have been where you are at right now...confused. We don't get out of the confusion in one day because it grew over many years and we don't get out of the confusion after a few face to face meetings. Alcoholism predates the life of the Christ by thousands of years and not just the drinker is affected...so are the wives, friends, family and associates. Stick around others are coming to your aide too.

In support. (((((hugs))))) smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Deacon. For both the drinker and for us - this is a disease that cannot be caused by us(them), controlled by us(them) or cured by us(them). Confusion seems to be one of the things many of us experience when we enter recovery from the effects of this disease. At first, much of what is said is foreign to us. After awhile, clarity replaces confusion and AlAnon becomes the place for us to go for education, comfort, encouragement and most especially the solution to living with is disease, one day at a time. Thank you for your honest share. I hope you continue recovery work with Al-Anon. We have a chatboard and on-line Alanon meetings, too. Glad you're here. Keep coming back.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

(((( Deacon ))))

We go to Al-anon to help us and not help the A. There is nothing we can do or say that will cure the alcoholic. I know I've tried. Threats were laughed at until I turned those threats into boundaries and stuck to them.

As we learn and grow in Al-anon we then can make decisions that are right for us. Whether it be leaving or staying with the A we can have peace within and not resentment, fear, worry and anger towards them.

Let go and Let God help you my friend.......you are not alone

Take care

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Deacon))))),

Welcome to the Ala-familly, so glad you found us.

A very wise man once told me that when I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change.

I came to Alanon wanting to fix him, wanting to change what was happening and fix my family.

I did learn to change what I can, me and only me. My changing did have positive effects on the situation. I didn't enable him anymore, I didn't argue with him, I allowed him the dignity of cleaning up his own messes, and my changing helped my children.

You might not find what you are looking for, but I know what I found was much better than what I thought I wanted and some of the things I thought I wanted I wasn't able to have, but my HP took care of me when I was going through everything.

Keep coming back.

Yours in recovery,

Mandy

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh read and re-read Cathyinaz....this is spot on...Alanon was / is and always will be FOR ME...not any A's in my life

my boundaries I set are WITHIN they are for ME...about ME..to help/protect/care for ME......

A lot of wives choose to stay in the marriage., if the guy is not cheating or abusive, a lot of them stay and yea, I stayed w/X #2 for 12 years b/c he was not cheating or beating.....BUT, finally I said, I want recovery.....the BIG BAD WORD....he did not...so that was the end....had he gotten into recovery, I wold probably still be with him, b/c he, too, was a good guy, but my program is for ME....and my decisions are so much more healthy.....i test myself daily on my not so good aspect with the

F----frequency..how often do I mess up or slide???
I----Intensity...how intense is my reaction rather than response,
D---What is the duration of my fall from the program tools
A---how fast am I aware of it......

Notice that my FIDA is all about me....Not any A's or other dysfunctionals in my life....its about ME...MY health....

You said here "So how will me changing the way I think solve the problem of him drinking. I know I am not that far into the program to really get it but I am finding that I cannot just ignore what he is doing and live my own life because our lives are intertwined. Is setting boundaries telling him that if he drinks the marriage is over? I am so confused as I don't want to divorce him but I also cannot live like this much longer."

changing the way you think changes YOU....it does not solve the problem of his drinking....Only the way you respond to it rather than being in reactive mode......as to "living your own life" It may come to that...You may have to depend on you....if you want to do something social and he is drunk, you may have to go by yourself.....The bottle is always gonna be his #1 if actively drinking or using.....So YOU have to put YOU as YOUR #1.......and if you tell him that if he drinks the marriage is over, do you really mean it???? if you say something and you don't stand to it, then to them, your credibility is shot and they will NEVER respond to a boundary you set that is for YOU re: taking care of you.....boundaries are NOT to change the other...they are to take care of you.....Period.....if you don't want to divorce him then I urge you to keep working the program...working for and on YOU...learn how to meet your needs youself.....

if confused?? no worries....aftter a time in the program , working on and for you, you will change accordingly..you will become more healthy and you will be ABLE to make healthy decisions.....don't worry about it now...Just keep working your program....focus on you and what makes you tick......work the steps...slogans...get a sponsor if you don't have one......but don't do anything major until you have had at least a year or two of program under your belt....UNLESS he becomes unsafe to be around..like abuse , threats of hitting you or something.....From what I am reading he seems to not be dangerous....so I would wait until i have enough program under my belt, then your HP within you will prompt you what action to take...

Some people leave...Some people stay......I left both b/c #1 was abusive....#2, I just wanted to NOT be #2 to the drink and I did not want to watch my best friend die from his drinking....AND most important, I wanted to be in healthy atmosphere.....

Good luck and keep working on you.....the answers will come when U R ready to respond..........

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you found this forum. The others have shared so much already, and, as Jerry suggested, read through the years of posts until you are soaked in the al anon wisdom. A short answer....your attendance in al anon will not solve your husbands drinking but it will offer you a chance to live in peace...doesn't that sound lovely? First we take in information with our heads, get confused and muddled, then it drops into our hearts and soul and the confusion is reduced. You have to keep showing up to work YOUR recovery...then someday you will be able to offer counsel to an affected person muddled up like you are today big hug

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think when I came to al anon it was to change the now Ex A. In time I came to see it was all about changing me. For the record I did change me and as far as I know the ex A is still using drugs and alcohol and his life is still mired in chaos. Over time what he did stopped being the center of my life. I came to see what I was doing was incredibly self destructive.

Al anon is a complex program. I have been here 10 years now. For some of us that is a drop in the bucket for other people their lives can be totally transformed. I know one core recovery element for me is that I am no longer racked with loneliness. I no longer have core abandonment issues in the way I once did. Certainly there are many many problems in my life but abandonment is not one of them anymore.

It takes great courage to be willing to look at yourself. That is something to be proud of.

Maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi, welcome, every state is different. I invite you to find out if you have a legal separation that means you are only married and not responsible for any of his debts or messes.

Also look into getting things in your name only. You can be honest with him, tell him since you are drinking I am concerned about all we worked for. I don't want to tell you what to do, however to protect all we have, lets look into taking your name off ....

An attorney can help also.

Yes it has to be hard. It may be your boundary to protect your and his assets. I learned to be around my ex who was drinking. like you I felt it was his thing not mine.

Sadly they will get worse as the disease eats them up from the inside out. But we have no control over that.

Your attitude is refreshing. Yes just because they are A does not make them unloveable! I hope you can detach, protect so you two will be ok.

ugh so sad about your son. Getting Them Sober, toby rice drews is a good book to start with.

sending you love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.