Stopping the verbal abuse!! - Al-Anon Family Group

chamoisdog · Member

Stopping the verbal abuse!!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am worried what damage this is doign to the kids....Look at how it is hurting you and just imagine what the kids are thinking when they see mom bashed and abused...the female children if there are and they are impressionable enough (don't know their ages) but they will marry into the same hell, a lot of times

"picking my battles" does not work with an abuser......if you really want to set boundaries, remember...Boundaries are WITHIN....its not about changing him...boundaries will not change him, it only takes care of you....and you have to be prepared to STAND to those boundaries you set

For example when AH #1 used to verbally abuse me and refuse to go to work....I told him if the abuse and lack of going to work didn't change by my birthday, I was GONE...END of story.....he called my bluff, ramped up the insults and sat and drank his booze while I watched the calendar.....on my b-day, I called my g.f. and her b.f. who had trucks and I had them come to his mom's place where we were living b/c I had to give up the apt. in my refusal to support him.....I let it go

anyway, my best friends showed up w/their trucks and we moved me out...GONE....I did go back to him when he got therapist and wanted marriage councelling, but as soon as I went back, he quit showing up for therapy....I never unpacked my boxes so move #2 and the final one was easy....I never looked back

ANY kind of abuse is severely damaging to the mental health of the recipient.....this is serious...we are ot talking about a guy going out, getting loaded and being just a drunk....we are talking about ABUSE which along w/cheating is damaging and escalates to even worse behaviour as the drinking takes over their lives.....Its weird...my SECOND AH never had it in him to cheat or beat on me...it just was not his personality...some cheat/beat....some don't and when I say "beat" i mean beating one down mentally too......the ones who do???? it is part of them anyway and they are UNsafe to be around....it gets worse not better UNLESS they completely belly up to their wrongs and get into AA and are clean and straight for about FIVE years, then maybe they can manage, but me???? I would not give another chance to a cheater or a abuser.....to me??? that is deal breaker

JUST saying what I would do

Please keep working on you YOU are the most important one and your children need you to be in one piece......please keep coming back

I can't urge enough to keep working this program and all its suggestions....meetings...steps.....all the tools it offers to give you the self respect that you deserve and the freedom you deserve....Life CAN get better but its up to us to have the bollix to stand up and CLAIM that better life

Good luck, I will send you strength energy to take care of you and the kids

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

OH the "get some thicker skin" I just love their mentality...like to say "well here is how you take my abuse"....OMG....I think of X #1 when I saw that....it was MY fault his horrible statements at me were killing my spirit day by day until i got sick enough of him and LEFT

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

From my experience the decision comes down to this. Would you rather stay and have the verbal abuse? Or would you rather leave? I think those are the choices. The only thing you can change is your own actions. If we could change others, believe me, we'd know it by now! I'm sure everyone on these boards has tried dozens of ways. But remember that you do have the power to make decisions. When you're ready to end the situation, you have the power to do that. Take good care of yourself.

chamoisdog · Member

My children are 14, 19, and 23 and my stepchildren are 23 & 18. AND YES...... I live with the " OMG-what have I put my children through Guilt!" every time something bad happens. All 5 are truly amazing individuals with very resilient spirits!

My three have been through the ringer with this being my 3rd marriage. They are my champions and our relationship is remarkable despite the ups and downs we have been through together. I have been very candid and open with them ALWAYS and I truly believe this honesty has only strengthened our love for each other. My daughter and I have talked candidly about "the situation" and yes, it has been difficult for her to see or hear about me verbally beaten up time and time again!

I have a wonderful relationship with my 2 step children but must say I am concerned about what the impact of their AF has had on them( especially my 18 yr old stepson) Horrible examples have been set, especially with regards to drinking and driving. Additionally, alcohol/drug abuse runs deep on the paternal family tree!

I attended my first f2f meeting and the kids are aware of the program as well. I have encouraged them to get involved and after reading the pamphlets from the welcome packette, gave them to my step daughter ( the oldest 4 live elsewhere during the school year...college/med school)

I currently share custody 50/50 of my 14 yr old. However, a job opportunity has come up with his father moving to another state and my son is seriously considering moving with his dad. The thought of not having my son with me is heartbreaking BUT in soul searching what is best for my child, I have unselfishly realized that this is not always a stable nurturing environment to live in and I don't blame him for wanting out!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I could give suggestions on what to say but it has to come from you and you have to be ready to follow up. When you say "I am done with this!!!" That means you may need to really be done with it as in leave when it gets that bad. There's no guarantee that even setting a hard limit/boundary like that will do anything to make him change, but it is better than saying "this is unacceptable!" and then continuing to accept it in your life.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I have learned that I can go on ahead and let someone know how their actions are affecting me, but expecting them to change just because I said so is just setting myself up for resentment. My A got verbally abusive, and I eventually learned to just get up and leave the room. Standing up for myself didn't mean trading insults and hurtful words with the A. It was telling him calmly "I feel hurt by how you're talking to me. I'm going to leave the room and we can discuss this later when you're calm." and then leaving - be it leaving the room or leaving the house entirely and going for a drive (and if it was available, going for a drive straight over to an Al-Anon meeting.) My A tried to continue to bait me even when I was leaving the room, yelling whatever he could at me to try to get me to whip around and continue the fight. It was really tough for me to not take the bait, but I felt loads better when I didn't. He eventually learned that saying hurtful things to me would result in my leaving the area. As others have mentioned, the only person we can change is ourselves. That means the only action that can be expected to actually happen is the one we decide to take.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha wrote:
My A tried to continue to bait me even when I was leaving the room, yelling whatever he could at me to try to get me to whip around and continue the fight. It was really tough for me to not take the bait, but I felt loads better when I didn't. He eventually learned that saying hurtful things to me would result in my leaving the area. As others have mentioned, the only person we can change is ourselves. That means the only action that can be expected to actually happen is the one we decide to take.

I gotta learn to make my posts shorter....Geeeez....OK...Re-do....My FIRST A did this to me too...

I think he did it , sometimes, to get me outta there so he could drink and enjoy his being in his "zone" or whatever

Oh yea, he would insult me in front of others, and loved it, I swear

But I got the last laugh by secretly doing my income taxes as a "single" and had my PO bx set up for that purpose...Found a lady who needed a "handy tenent" in our city, near the freeway so I could pick up and deliver my clients books, etc...and when the lady said she wouldn't charge me rent in exchange for my fixing up the yard and the picket fence, and NO sec. deposit, I was FREE...

I went home, slept like a log...Life looking more hopeful and the next day, I am toting my stuff out to my car, which was my clothes, tv, stereo, and my bedroom furniture which my friends helped me with and I was GONE....

The first nite I was in my snuggly little house, with the teeny kitchen and really teeny bedroom, I had to really utilize my space but I did it...fixed the place up cute and it was MY sanctuary...

No more abuse...No more name calling , insults hurled at me, no more slamming stuff around b/c I messed up this or that...No more baiting me to get into with him and driving me out of the room, often the house...NO MORE.....It was odd getting used to the quiet and the lack of abuse, drama and pain, I even got a dog..rescued a 1/2 lab 1/2 dalmation, I think and he was my best buddy and a hell of a watch dog...

yea, i was alone, but I certainly didn't mind it..neighbors next door were two gay gals who were really cool...we had BBQ's and stuff...landlord was a nice lady and I am so gr8ful that I am stubborn and resourceful and where there is a will there is a way and I wanted OUT of that stinking marriage and I got out....so yea, I had the last laugh, I GOT FREE!!!!!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Mattie. We cannot change anyone else.

For me I say,"A there are going to be some changes if the abusive behavior happens again." I demand I be talked to in an appropriate, loving manner."

I do not know your situation, however, abuse is abuse.There are womens groups to help you with this. They can direct you as far as sharing, housing etc.

Or one can always leave the room, leave the house whatever. Put in earplugs. Put on headphones, listen to stories or music or whatever.

I mean he may not think it is abusive. "I understand you think you speak just fine to me. However for me it is abusive."

H*** with the thick skin. If it hurts it does. You know that. That is his opinion, does not make it right.

mattie is right however, it is your choice to get out of dodge or....

NOT easy I know. I do believe for you to get to a domestic violence for women group, would help you immensley. not kidding first time I went I was amazed.

Keep coming. hugs, debilyn

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

I can't control others but I can hold my pillow at night and know that I'm a Child of God and He loves me sooooo much.

Even as an A myself, I would never be with another A unless he was sober and through the 12 steps for quite some time, and had matured spiritually. Of course I have to be that first.

i try not to put my hand in front of Gods hand. I try to allow others the dignity to make their own choices.

in this case that means, "goodbye."

and I go and work on me.

I have suffered many times to avoid pain. Insanity, right?

chamoisdog · Member

Thanks a million for all of your responses! I truly appreciate each and every one of them!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you are here! You sound amazingly aware and I love that you want the best for your children even if it isn't with you! I don't have any ESH to add, but want to send you love and support!

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