Comments welcome about this dilemma! - Al-Anon Family Group

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Comments welcome about this dilemma!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Geez, my friend. I think I'd see her coming and just go in the house. As Iyanla VanZant says "When you see crazy coming, cross the street."
As I read here, you were reading your Al-Anon book, she came to you. She asked you questions. You answered her. The next time she sees you, she's belligerent towards you and rude?

Who knows why people behave like they do? We can guess at it, try to understand it, and empathize with it, but I don't know that we can apply a one size fits all reason to why people get angry - especially complete strangers. To emphasize the point: I watched a newscast recently in a Walmart where a guy came out of nowhere, picked up a two year old child from a mother he didn't know, held a knife to the baby's throat while the mother pleaded with him. It became a hostage situation and the kidnapper ended up with a gunshot to the head by a negotiator. The baby was saved. There's no figuring out that guy and his anger.

What I do see here is that you tried to be helpful and supportive. If you think you need some work in the talking instead of attracting area, then you've gained something from this encounter. But, I don't see you had anything to do with this woman's odd behavior - even that of walking up to you out of the blue and asking you personal questions as a complete stranger was odd.

As far as people hating recovery - well, I do when I'm having to make some changes that are painful to make - but, I love it when the changes are made and see progress. As for others? Well - in the words of a dear old lady I once knew - what ever floats their boat.

You're a neat gal from what I've read on our board. If a neighbor has taken a disliking to you - well, her problem as I see it. It doesn't have to be yours.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks G2B
You are kind.
And it's true her attitude is none of my business.
But I also believe that when I say too much about recovery or share too much (I did!) to people who aren't in recovery, that can leave me open to bad behavior.
AAs Big Book says in the chapter Working With Others: "Remember they are very sick."

Boy am I having problems with boundaries. Relationship issues continue. Which is perfect of course. I need to set some
Serious boundaries.

It's painful As hell.

I also know I'm incredibly hard in myself. So it's all a balance.

God bless

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Got it!!!!

It's ONCE AGAIN about wanting people to like me. I have to like myself more and I know why I don't (I did at one time!!)

The damned cigarette smoking.

They've got to go!!!!!!!!!

It's good to have a solution - and THAT is the action that needs to be taken.
I been sayin it for a year now!!!

My favorite meditation book warned me yesterday, "Do It Now" (it didn't say what, the reader knows what!) and then today it told me I had been warned!!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

WorkingThroughIt wrote:
.
But I also believe that when I say too much about recovery or share too much (I did!) to people who aren't in recovery, that can leave me open to bad behavior.
AAs Big Book says in the chapter Working With Others: "Remember they are very sick."

Boy am I having problems with boundaries. Relationship issues continue. Which is perfect of course. I need to set some
Serious boundaries.

It's painful As hell.

I also know I'm incredibly hard in myself. So it's all a balance.

God bless

Hello Workingthroughit.

I understand and have done the same with similar results. Sharing program with program people is one thing. Answering some ones question outside of program is another .People love to gossip , judge, blame and critique . Giving them access to your vulnerable intimate information feeds their defects. I can give an overview of both AA and Alanon without ever giving intimate details of my life to strangers. .

I had to learn that trusting someone takes time and this trust must be earned.

Be Gentle with yourself You are "Working Through It"

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Working...not much I can add to these really gr8 shares, but it does'n't always have to be YOUR problem, some people are just jerks...this gal seems nuts...and yea, as for me when I am workin my program, I am less sensitive to what others may think of me as long as I feel I am moving forward

sounds to me that you were minding your business..answered her ???...then she pulls the rude act....maybe she, deep inside resents you for having the courage to work out your issues and she is still wallowing in hers...If she lived near me, and I saw her coming, I would just get up and go in my house or walk away........

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

2 things come to mind as I read this thread....

I, too am SO uncomfortable if someone doesn't like me...WTH? I'm 50 and I still haven't figured that one out...I can say "what others think is none of my business" -- but I don't really feel it...

the other thing i thought was that people have to put you down in order to put themselves one up...it's a very limited view of the world...competition...that somehow there isn't enough affection, or recognition, or whatever in the world to go around? So I have to take you down a notch so I can get get to it first? I know people who think this way...on offense...take them out before they can get me.

You have such thoughtful posts..they reflect your self work...don't let the B***ards get you down. Step one helps me here...I am powerless to change how people behave...no matter WHAT kinds of contortions I feel compelled to try to please them...I have to remember I am POWERLESS. I always think it's my fault if someone is unhappy....

Thinking on this one...

RP

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I love the ESH you received, especially you see crazy coming cross the street and what others think is none of your business. I can relate and have had to scale back a lot with opening up to people and letting them spill whatever private stuff they want, but I only do after I have figured out who they are and how close I want them. Sending you much love and support!

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a similar situation a while back with an acquaintance. Although the women in question just avoided me after we talked about alanon one night (she brought up the subject) I didn't understand why she was avoiding me and after a few times of this happening I made the first move and said hello when i saw her in the neighborhood. She was very short with me and couldn't get away fast enough. After much thought on the subject I figured that maybe she was embarrassed by the things she shared with me and it was easier for her just to not talk to me anymore. Or maybe not, i can't know what her thoughts were.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I read something a therapist wrote about people who felt really comfortable with her and opened up really fast -- she felt proud of that -- but then she found that if they opened up really fast, faster than they were prepared for, they were hostile and closed down afterwards. They felt vulnerable and then they got angry and closed down later. Because they had exposed a part of themselves they weren't comfortable about. So she found that it backfired and they quit therapy. I wonder if a variation of that happened with you. Not that it's healthy that this woman did that. But it sounds like it can be a pattern for people who aren't very healthy.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I got so tired of allowing others to make me feel uncomfy in my own skin! I quit the negative crap I told myself. I focused on what I liked about me, the me the creator gave me.

This horrible old crazy neighbor was so mean to everyone in the neighborhood. When she began calling my kids ***** lovers...(I had a wonderful manfriend of color.) that did it. I went to her door and told her never, ever to speak to my children again, she pushed me off the porch!

Well anyway I learned hey i am ok, felt good to stand up. I used to run from conflict, now I walk towards it. My goal is to defuse. When Someone says something icky to me. i listen then I say are you finished? I listened to you, now here is my response....

I wanted to like me so I learned about me, met challenges, did things I always wanted to do.

Learned to never ask why or what about people who were rude or whatever. Learned the "You cannot rationalyze insanity." I like that. It just does not matter. I choose who I want to speak, love, help whatever.

YOu be true to you. If you felt like sharing great. Its not your job to be concerned how someone responds. WE have zero control over that. In my relationship now, i am so open and honest and tell it like i want to say it. I am not embarrassed or feel bad. He does the same.

Hey people show their true colors sooner or later. that is their problem if they are putzes!

YOu are doing well thinking things out. My boudary is, treat me with respect,
don't tell me what to do, and so much more.

Its so freeing to know who you are and like that person. I am strong when it comes to me, as I know hp gave me, me and helps me to be the person I am. So how dare anyone be inappropriate to me?

Every single night when I talk to hp. I ask him to please help me to become the person he wants me to be. HE sure does!

hugs hon, debilyn

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 2nd of July 2013 07:12:00 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

WTI - you may be right...probably are right even about this woman. But - I notice you attribute negative motives to people a lot. Why bother? Why not just assume she was trying to be like you and "1 up" you cuz she admires you so much? You don't have to allow others to irk you so much. I know easier said than done though.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.