This August it won't be 12 years, but 11 years in

recovery.....August 02 of 2002 (had to look up my first

ever post) was my "take back my life" month and

year...thought it was 12, but oh well, what have I done

in 11 years???

I'll never forget it...I was in the depths of despair

and this little short guy I met on line as a potential

date, had another idea for me....When we made friends

he showed up at my door w/an ARM load of

literature...Alanon, you name it, I got it

So he was the one who intro'd me into recovery..I was

skeptical especially about the emphasis on the God

thingy as I was not an atheist or even agnostic, but I

was agnostic as to how much is this God involved in my

life...Didn't see much proof of it all these years, but

I told "L" I wold give it a try b/c I certainly could

not lose as unhappy as I was

So I tore Into the literature and with his guidance I

couldn't wait for step 4..It would be my into to ME...I

didn't know me..Didn't really know what my needs were,

or my wants, who who I was...I was that stripped of my

identity since I was a child and on through my adult

hood...All Iknew was that I was in PAIN and it was an

ongoing situation...Life stunk and I wanted out...

This program taught me ME...Yea, the bad as well as the

many (surprise) good things about me I learned

boundaries...

I learned that love begins within and before I could

hold up my end of a relationship, I had to have one

with ME first...That was a task, but In the following

years and many visits and revisits to the steps, I got

to do this..Experience healthy, mutual and rewarding

friendships and I noticed that I am a better mom..

I am A better sister to those who support me...A better

cousin and even a better worker...I saw that I had a

ton of good points...Stuff noone at home ever told me

about...It was only bad stuff they assessed me

with...Life is still hard...

Financial is tough...This economy has really tested my

alanon skills I learned and I even worked this out

w/Creator...I still think HP is only involved in the

spiritual realm,  kinda hands off on the worldly

or physical realm, however I have a part of the divine

that is WITHIN me...

and I can and do tap into it and it seems to work ok

for me...yea, I still feel like I am kinda on my own

re: my life and its ups and downs, but I do have

something more powerful and resourceful and better than

me within me...Learning to tap into it, I guess, with

my fear of not being in control, will always be a

challenge, but very doable The road was rough...Loads

of potholes and obstacles...

Many many tears, working through the anger and the

outrage and the grief of a life so shattered by alcohol

and drug abuse, but after the tears, and they were hard

and often, & I sorta hit the "muddy basin" where the

mud is all icky and slimy but when the sun shines on it

after all that digging I did into my fam. of origin

step 4 work, I can see the icky mud starting to dry and

it does not have that icky smell to it anymore...

I do feel the need to cry every now and again, but its

fewer and far less intense then before..As a new memory

comes up, yea, I have to work it through to get through

it but then it no longer dominates my life...As to

triggers, I can work my step 4 and see what, how and

why I am triggered and I can kinda identify with it and

manage it...

Some triggers I may never be able to reconcile with..I

may have to avoid certain things forever, I don't know,

but for the most part, identifying them and have a

place with which to work on them has helped....I accept

that I may never recover , fully, from my ptsd, but if

I can live in peace and manage it, I can handle that...

What happened to me is not the defining thing about my

life...I define my life....AND there is nothing wrong

w/ME, just a heck of a lot wrong with what happened to

me .I was saying "12 years in recovery." but I got here

in Aug. 2002...This board on and off for a good many

years for sure...So I was wrong...11....not 12...and

its never a finish line, but a progress in my

journey...

I will always be in recovery to keep MY issues in

remission...the ptsd is much better...the anxiety tho

bad, is not ruining my life, and yes, I do need more

quiet time and rest then a non ptsd person, but I can

manage it...

I can manage my coda issues working my program...ptsd

and anxiety does drain me and I need more rest, but I

have learned to pick my battles and I know when to let

go, walk away and let what will be, be....The need to

be in control, I have to work on, constantly, but its

no where near as bad...

To me being not in control meant helplessness and that

frightened me and angered me...Now, yea, its hard to

throw up my hands and say &"i am done...HP ;YOU handle

this b/c I am done fighting this"..and a lot of times I

don't turn it over until I have had my anger time, but

learning boundaries has helped me with that....Get the

emotions out...feel them..embrace them, even, THEN I

can turn it over and things get better...

This program gave me evidence that thru hard

work...Brutal Honesty with self, HP within, and a safe

other and a willingness to change,being open to new

ideas and concepts and therefore, being teachable and

changeable where needed , it showed me that

 anyone can break through and see the light...

this program taught me I can be loving and

compassionate but not be a doormat....This program

taught me that I am OK as I am....I am lovable,

acceptable, and a good blessing to the universe AS I

AM....Recovery has been

hard...Slow...Arduous...Painful...and heaven help me I

could never ever go through this again, LOL, but its

been WORTH it...

It did have its cost, but really?? was it really a loss

when I look at it??? I had a sister from whom I had to

completely separate from..I wish her well..Always, but

she no longer exists to me...

When I came forward about the abuse as a child, working

my recovery, and I decided to drop my father's sur name

off me and chose a new, clean name, and went to court

and legally changed my name, my sister turned on me

with a hate I could not believe She will never ever

forgive me for telling the truth in my journey to get

back my life and to take back my power and to seek a

healthier , happier life..

She mocked my recovery..She did not wish me

well......She will never forgive me for dropping my

sire's last name...I did that to help me..to free

me...To not associate with that kind of evil....I did

it for MY recovery....She curses me and condemns me and

even demanded I return my share of the small

inheritance we got when he died....Like I should have

gotten the WHOLE amount after what he did, but I didn't

say that, I just refused to entertain her nonsense and

her hate...

To this day , she suffers with cancer, hating my guts,

spewing her hate to anyone who will listen to her....I

blocked her email, I blocked her cell, but on facebook

we do have mutual friends and she spews her hate,

making herself look bad as I ignore her and her hate

filled posts...

Was she really a loss for me??? Not really!!!  oh

yea, unless I assess the "loss" of being hated,

condemned, put down and attacked, insults

galore.....that kind of "loss" I embrace...It is her

loss, really b/c I could have been a good friend to

her, but oh well...I wish her well and peace, but never

again near me

Yes its been a long haul, this thing called recovery,

but I am coming to love and respect myself, even tho I

get irritated w/me for not being always in my body,

being centered, not paying attention, but I have a

routine to work on this...I have a goal...BY August, I

am going to be better about being centered, breathing

correctly, paying attention, being mindful about what I

am doing and experiencing the moment..Not perfection,

but a hell of a lot of progress to this end...

That will be my ELEVENTH not 12th anniversary present

to me.....Being whole within myself....Gonna go out

side and do some practice exercises to that end So

newbies, my prayer is that you please keep coming

back...yea , we slip and we slide, but 2 feet fore and

1 foot back = 1 step ahead right??? We are worth

it...and I always say, good ole progress is

OK...Perfection is only the Creator...

IF this program can give me a chance at a good life, it

can for anyone...The drinkers and druggers may never

find recovery and that is sad, but as I walk over that

bridge from darkness to light, yes, I look back at

those who refuse recovery and I cheer for them to "come

on, its ok" But I have to honor their choices.

Sure I want to see them walk towards freedom of their

past and their pain, but the choice is theirs and I

have to honor their choices...When the student is

ready, the teacher comes...

August 2, 2002 marked the beginning of my finding

ME...there was a yahoo group for alanoners and codas

and acoas...a mixed bag of folks and ya know??? Some of

them I am still very very close to.

(((hugs)))

I remember when you were here as Rosie LightShines... and I must say, I can see and feel your growth, your changed personality, and your seriousness about your healing and recovery.  I am extremely proud of you, and feel you truly have a great contribution to make to so many others provided you are taking good solid care of yourself first.  

Welcome Home!