I left but I hope for help for my AH - Al-Anon Family Group

sadsusie · Senior Member

I left but I hope for help for my AH

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

AA meetings are a sinch to find....All he has to do is google it and he can find meetings in his area if he wants to go

I think , I would leave it alone...you said it was more than the drinking..I won't ask you what b/c it is up to you to share or not share about it...It is ok , we are just sharing and caring

When I left my X, I left him alone..We didn't even get together on the divorce b/c the house was mine, no kids by him, so it was a simple deal, some divorces are more complex

We all hope our A's get help, but instead of wasting my energy on my Ex when I kicked him out, I spent my energy on ME and MY recovery and MY program took all my energy except for my work and my daughters who are grown.

If he wants to get help, he will find a meeting and go...Simple as that...I don't know if the parting on your part was friendly or not...Not going to ask b/c its your business, if it was friendly and you don't feel threatened by him, and you WANT to send him some info??? thats your call....however, if he was abusive, I think , if it were me, I wold stay away...

I hope my brothers get help, but I do'nt obsess over them, I send them healing and positive energy in my thoughts, but I work on me....I dont' have any husbands and don't see that in my future, just friends and family that drink, but I don't let them interfer in my life and derail my recovery or my progress or anything...

If my A brother were to ASK me , "hey where can I find meets???" then yea, I would google his area and email him the lists....Other wise, I am not doing anything...He does not ask...I don't offer....the younger brother is on pills and booze and I kinda gave up on him long ago...he lies...drinks..drugs, lies about it...gets into car wrecks and jail time maybe coming...I am done with it...washed my hands of him b/c it is wasted energy

Do I "hope" he recovers?? Sure, but I don't interfer with him b/c he doesn't care, so why should I waste my energy..

I dont' see my favored brother getting help either...I see him one day dying of his addiction and there is nothing I can do...I have let it go...I love him and have fun with him when he is sober and leave it at that..I dn't bring up recovery b/c he is not interested...

You gotta do what you gotta do...But for me??? If they don't reach out and ask??? I mind my own business....

PEACE and good luck in YOUR recovery

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sas susuie

I understand The AA hotline is listed in the white pages of the directory . You could send it to him if you choose

Keep coming back and sharing the journey

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thanks for the response. I have posted quite a few other times about my ordeal and figured i would spare everyone=/. He was mentally abusive and controlling and has gotten to where he wasn't staying home and is spending thousands of dollars a week. I was at a point where I was damaging our home and I broke my computer because Iwas upset. other times I felt like i needed to hurt myself. I just finally got it in my head that even if he didn't stop. *I* had to get help because my own life was in potential danger and I knew something was wrong.

SO I have not actually spoken to him since I left. we have texted a bit. He told me he stopped drinking...but it is the weekend and I can tell that he went and bought liquor from his credit card statement.

I am blessed that I found friends that I didn't know I had (you see he was so controling that I didn't make friends) I have been staying with one (out of state) for over a week. I will be heading to my parents for a few days...my mom suggest that she get to know me again...since I haven't been able to speak to her for quite a while..the pain in my life was too much for me to bear and I knew that if I spoke to her I couldn't take it...so I cut myself off from her. And if you can even believe it I found an adorable fully furnished completely renovated 1bed 1 bath cottage it will be ready in about a week. It even has sheets and towels plates and pots and pans. I can move right in. All for about $900.

ive been quite proud of myself for being so committed. I still hold on the that dream that maybe one day we will get back together. But not until he gets some sobriety under his belt as well as counseling. Plus I will go to a counselor for my own issues so that it won't happen again with him or anyone else.

Regardless of how I proceed. He deserves to be sober. It is not my responsibility. But I could throw him a bone. I will keep your thoughts in mind when he ignores it.

All the best.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

As hard as it might be to believe it, it might be your disease encouraging you to send him information about AA, innocent as it all sounds in your mind. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. And sending him information this early in the game is a way to stay linked to him.
You've made the decision to leave him and you can make the decision to leave him be, too. For your sake, if you'll feel better sending info about AA to him than do it, of course, for YOUR sake. Yet, just be awake - so new as you are to this separation - to the reality of how cunning this disease this is and how easy it would be to get sucked right back in as vulnerable as you are right now. Whatever you decide to do, if it doesn't turn out well FOR YOU, you can always begin again. Much support as you treat yourself with kindness, gentleness and understanding. A move is a major stressor in addition to separating from your A, so doubling up your kindness, gentleness and understanding towards yourself would be double healing right now. His HP will take care of him as much as your A will allow it.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 1st of July 2013 06:51:22 AM

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Sadsusie,

While it hurts to know the ones you love have an addiction to alcohol, there is nothing you can do to save them.

You don't know what the future holds for your husband or your brother. They have a HP too and you must trust in that.

Just because you email the number of AA, and just on a chance he goes to AA, doesnt mean he is still on the road to recovery yet.. That is his and only his journey, without interference from you or anybody else.

You must stay with your recovery , that is the most important and best thing you can do for YOU! You said he deserves to be sober. Thats a compassionate thought. But more than that you deserve recovery and serenity. I think you should start there , with YOU. Do it for YOU!

Hugs,

Bettina

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry all this has happened but so glad you are finding your way forward. It is already very easy for him to find AA and if he wants to, he will do it. The reason he's not doing is not because it's too hard to find a meeting. We have to be very careful not to get sucked back into the chaos, and contact with our A will do that. I always had the feeling that my A was just on the brink of recovery, and if I could just urge him over the brink... This was an illusion. Mine even went to AA for a while, many times. Unfortunately AA is no magic solution, the person has to want it and keep on wanting it. In my experience the best solution for a good future is to take care of yourself with all your strength! Hugs.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

If he woke up with a tumor do you think he couldn't figure out how to go to the doctor? Leave him the dignity to make his own choices. He knows you believe he needs help. It's up to him to follow through. When I decided it was time for me to go to AA, it was a very easy google search.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

QUOTE ou must stay with your recovery , that is the most important and best thing you can do for YOU! You said he deserves to be sober. Thats a compassionate thought. But more than that you deserve recovery and serenity. I think you should start there , with YOU. Do it for YOU!

Hugs,

Bettina

I agree....for too long I put MY needs/wants on the back burner to helpl/save everyone else...I spun myself in circles obsessing is "so and so" going to go t meets..Get help...Thought about everyone but me...I left me by the wayside., Just like I was abandoned as a child to the drunken craziness of my home....Recovery showed me a different path...REcovery showed me its "ok" to show compassion but give it to ME as well...and to put ME first...If I don't put ME first, I cannot be a very good mom or friend or sister to the ones who WANT to help themselves....Its a healthy selfishness that we all need to employ in our lives if we are to EVER be free to have the full lives we so deserve

You are a better person then I b/c I won't cut any slack or compassion on anyone who was abusive to me...I cut them out..kick them to the curb..Turn them over to their Creator and I am gone...No contact..No help..No wasting my time on them...Abuse is non negotiable..So is drinking and drugging and so is adultery.....Just my rules for me..

Also pinkchip, I agree...If he woke up with an illness, any illness, he would find a way to get to the doctor......His life is HIS choice

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

mark aka pink chip is right. The A is an adult, does not need a mommy.

You are doing great! Your place sounds so wonderful!Having your own home will help you so much in your healing. Its a very tough time but also a very good time to learn about you and your needs.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Am so glad to see you on your path to further recovery!

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thanks for the support. I have said nothing else except that he needs professional help etc. and sent no AA information. I am still gone...a friend out of state and now my parents out of state.

MY AH has had controlling issues since we first married. I think that part of my disease (so very well put and accurate) is that I liked the control in a sense. I didn't have to accept responsibilty for anything - it was all his decisions. Now I realize that I was giving up my self worth, and friends, and family, and fullfillment. I was so wanting to please him that nothing else mattered, and no matter how hard I tried, I never really felt like he cared about me, even though he was good at convincing me from time to time to keep me going.

yesterday was only two weeks gone. It feels like a month. I realize that I don't have to look over my shoulder or check my phone or be careful who I talk to or how I talk in case i do it "wrong". I felt like I did everything wrong. it is nice to feel normal again.

He has repeatedly told me (via TEXT) he loves me, and then ends it by telling me to come home. "telling" me. hmm, I am not really feeling it. Today he told me that I abandoned him and I should come home, and that he would never abandon me. (he has only slept home 2 or 3 nights a week and brings home strangers to our house).

I am getting off track. It is interesting to hear you talk about the A along with the Abuse. I feel like I need to separate them into two categories. I am having a hard time figuring out how to deal with this. I feel the (crappy) way I do because of the abuse....but he is an alcoholic. I don't want to "give up" on the marriage. But (i don't think) he can't stop the abuse until he stops drinking. Even if he stops drinking I am not sure he can stop his controlling. he has agreed to see a counselor..but for ME / us. Not sure if he would really go..probably just wants me to come home, If we did go to a counselor..should I go to the women's abuse counselor (she also gives court mandated classes to abusers) and she is free, OR should I go to the registered nurse/ counselor who has 20+ years experience with alcoholics/addicts/ who has also counseled married couples. (not free) He still has no idea that he has been suffocating me for 13 years. frankly, he probably wont believe me....which feeds back into that whole self worth thing..where I give up trying to say how i feel because he is such a manipulative bully that i am worn out.

my life can never be the same. I now realize that I am going to have to find myself a career (separate from our businesses). keep my own bank account..all so that If I feel like I need to leave again I can. As well as reminding myself I am strong enough to live without him. None of these concepts will be well received. But you are right I need to set up some rules for myself. He says (hmmm?) he will do anything to get me back. I just wonder if he has any idea how much he is going to have to do. i wonder if I will even want to go back.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((sadsuzie))) So much courage you have shown here. It is good that you are choosing to think of you and doing what is necessary to protect yourself. You have no much on your plate right now and so many changes to make - it is good you are putting the marriage question on hold for now. There will come a time when you'll have to make that decision, but unless you are being financially harmed there is no need to decide what to do about that legal contract right now. I've been there with my own ExAH many years ago and learned the hard way that he was what he was showing me he was then. When he got older, lots of it changed, but that was 20 years later. And he still died directly or indirectly due to his cross addictions. You are freeing yourself from bondage to a disease that means you nothing but harm. As far as counseling - only your HP really knows which would be best for you right now. I find it helpful to ask for guidance and clarity. HP never lets me down.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 5th of July 2013 09:35:26 AM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I have my own saying when it comes to the STBAX in my life and that's show me the recovery don't tell me. He believes what I show him not what I tell him. Now .. interestingly enough I want to believe what he tells me not what he shows me.

He's shown you who he is .. believe him. I do much better when I stop trying to make the STBAX into someone he is not .. he is not recovering .. he is still drinking .. he still have no respect for me as a woman or a person really. When I try and manipulate my own mind into trying to believe that he has changed then I cause myself a lot more pain than necessary. So I show him who I am .. I am someone to be respected, I am someone who has feelings, I am someone who matters and I am someone who will support him in recovery. Recovery is his choice. I do not nor will I support his choices in drinking .. I mean he can certainly drink .. that is his choice .. I don't have to participate in any way, I don't have to be the focus of his anger or blame .. I can remove myself from that position.

So I encourage you to seek Alanon f2f meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps .. know your value and worth as a child of God (the God of your understanding).

Hugs P :)

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