QUOTE...I have a hard time remembering that God is presenting his lessons to him as many times as he needs to learn them.  I feel the butt of these lessons sometimes... like... why must I be involved in HIS lessons???  Why must I be hurt - why must I be in pain?  How am I suppose to just be okay with it and give it time when it's so terrifying? 

 

And what is your lesson???? HIS lessons are nothing to do w/you....I am thinking as I read your post, what is your lesson??? only you can answer that

I would, if this were me...I would get into some meetings, if I don't have a sponsor, find one and work the dickens out of the steps, meets, et al and ascertain what is it with ME to keep bringing this unwanted karma onto me....

When stuff happens over and over to me, via a person, or a situation or anything, I have to do an inventory on me to see WHAT is it I am not getting....What do I have to learn and respond to to end these painful lessons....

I would 4get about his meetings or non meetings and think about what is safe for me and the kids.....verbal abuse usually ramps up to physical abuse at some time or another...It usually gets worse and sadly its the innocent ones who get hurt....

I would be seriously looking at what options I had to get away from this abuse....Each person knows what they can deal with and what they cannot if they are working their program and being honest with themselves and focusing on themselves, NOT the alkie who is not , obviously , serious about his program or wanting to get better

Only you know these answers..Only you can figure this out if you detach from him in your head, first, then work your program, hopefully with a sponsor or a trusted recovery mate and figure out what you can do to take care of you adn those kids who are going to be as messed up as I was due to my drunken parents and their violence, abuse, and hell they put us kids through.....

good luck and sending you energy of  "be safe, be at peace and may you find your truth quickly"

Tasha: Now that I know a little more about you - not a lot about your husband, my thinking is that you are new to Al-Anon and that he has been involved with Al-Anon for a short time and not in earnest? If what I'm assuming is correct - this is what I think based on my own experience. Your husband has been through hell. In order to keep the family together, he has done all he can to do it. Now that you are sober, he gets to relax a little and the pain that he has supressed trying to hold it all together for I'm not sure how long is coming to the surface at strange times to you and probably unexpectedly to him. I'm not condoning his behavior, but as a recovering person myself who was constantly surprised by horrors of my husband's making, I was deeply affected by that and am still recovering years later. Here's a possible solution to entertain with your husband: When he's raging - understand that something may have triggered fear and old pain. He's fighting off whatever unpleasantry he imagines or is actually happening.
He isn't going to calm down while he's exploding. He can't. He's been damaged and needs time to heal himself. When he's calm, you can ask him what scared him when he was yelling and screaming at you or at whatever outside of him has set him off. Then, you can talk about ways he could handle that fear better. Don't tell him how to handle it better. Invite him to come up with ideas or to ask you for suggestions. Depending on what he has been through, this could take time. Doesn't mean you can't tell him how you feel when he behaves this way - but, let him tell you how he is feeling without taking it personally when he can talk reasonably. It's his turn now to begin to see some of his issues and to learn new tools. If you love your husband and he loves you - then perhaps you can see this as an opportunity to be patient with his healing process. The slogan, say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean is one you could both practice together if it feels right to you?

I have two stray cats that I adopted as kittens. They ran for three months on their own. Who knows what happened to them. When I take them to the vet they turn into snarling she cats who will never get "I was good at the vet" stickers. They don't recognize me. They don't recognize each other. All they know is that they're scared - so scared they will hiss, snarl, growl and warn anybody who gets near them they're going to get bitten if they don't let them be. Once the vet visit is over and I've taken them into the car in their little carrying cases, they are docile and calm again. I'm not going to change them. I just have to accept that something has happened to them and they are going to be in raw fear everytime we go to the vet. When your husband is raging (and I'll bet it doesn't happen very often), he probably feels just like those cats and doesn't even realize how terror-filled he is. Compassion, Tasha, might be the best training exercise for you and for him right now, if everything else is pretty good. He might have forgiven you, but it doesn't mean he wasn't hurt deeply and needs to heal slowly.   Like my cats, I have to set limits on how close I'll try to get to them as you can do in relationship to your husband for now.  He may be raging now but with work and understanding, he may just be yelling by next year, talking forcefully the next year, and totally over it by the fourth.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 1st of July 2013 09:49:01 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 1st of July 2013 09:51:29 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 1st of July 2013 09:52:03 AM

You've been sober for a while Tasha (a year and 4 months or so?). For me, researching and being part of alanon helped me stop worrying about controlling others. I remove myself when they are acting absurdly (when possible - which sound like you did). I don't waste time wanting things for people more than they want them themselves. Life is a struggle at times. In the past, your communication has been decent with your husband. Perhaps a heart to heart will help because he knows you do care.

I would be careful not to sound too judging in your discussion. Remember, he put up with your alcoholism for years. If you tell him you are sick of his disease...UMM...That would make me fly off the handle if I were him. One thing I found when I was about a year to a year and a half sober was that I had done all this intense healing and work on myself and I was frustrated that other's didn't automatically see things through the steps and a recovery mindset. I started hearing anyone not living in the solution like we do as whining and being a baby. It's not like that. They don't have a program or one that they have had to work to literally save their lives. Yes. He has dabbled in alanon but he's way behind you and will likely not see the need to work his program as hard as you work yours since you are literally going to die if you don't and that wont happen to him.

Detachment is a good tool that alanon stresses to everyone and that included double winners like you and me. He's got his own issues but they don't have to become yours. For me, I was totally not capable of being relationship material for like 2 years. I tried and got bad results. I was really imposing and dominating since I had found this "great program and the 12 steps" and everyone should get on board! I was turning into a hardcore AA Nazi in all my relationships (which is an improvement over a drunk but still...) Wear your program like a loose garment and that will attract him back to working his most likely. If not - then you trust you guys will work through it, his HP will show him the way, or more will be revealed for the both of you. It's going to be fine. Your marriage has survived you getting sober better than most I've heard though I know you guys have moments....(Like this one).

P.S. - for those that don't know Tasha and I go back from the AA board here. No - I'm not a mind reader. I just know more history due to that.

That wasn't my point, Tasha. My point is that he is probably acting out pain and hurt that surprises him as much as it is you. Suggestions offered are suggestions intended to help you find a solution or middle ground that would help both you and your husband to heal through this together. You didn't say he had addictions in your previous post. It seemed as if you were talking about a codependent husband who is lashing out? The damage caused was by the disease as I see it. That's what I meant in saying he might have forgiven you but he is still damaged. (If he wasn't - he wouldn't be lashing out). Compassion, patience, understanding and working a slogan that seemed like it might fit some of this for the both of you together were also intended as ways to help you and your husband connect. Since it was you and not him who posted, I could only make suggestions to you. If he had come, I might have said the very same thing. There is nothing in the post that suggests you deserve anything. It's like all that we offer here - it's a take what you like and leave the rest. If you belive in your marriage and you believe in your husband, what I've shared with you are possible helps to try in understanding him and helping him heal as you do. 

Both of you have been affected by a disease.  Both of you can help each other if you choose.  I agree.  He shouldn't get to do what he wants, but I can tell you that he may not WANT to explode at all if that's what is happening.  If so, it comes from a deep place within him and he hasn't developed tools to use yet.  Doesn't mean he won't.  Doesn't mean its your fault.  Does mean he's got a problem that maybe you can protect yourself from and yet still help him heal from, too?  If peace is the ultimate goal and you want to remain married to him, then this is my offering to you.  I'm not suggesting you let him berate you or punish or threaten you or intimidate you.  Only you know what he's really doing.  I am suggesting that if you love him and want your marriage to last, removing yourself when he lashes out and then talking about it with him in a way that helps him find his answers and his way out of behaving the only way he knows now when hurt, frustrated or angry might be helpful to your relationship.  My best to you.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 1st of July 2013 03:50:18 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 1st of July 2013 09:03:13 PM