The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Welcome to MIP. For now, what if you let go of the label - codependent - and allow yourself to be a woman who is hurting. If you go to Al-Anon, you know the method we follow to improve our outlook and our life. So - I'm simply going to talk with you - woman to woman. What if you make a list of things you love to do and use each day of this week to do at least one of them? What if you look in a mirror and tell yourself 10 things you really like about yourself every day for a month? What if you buy an article of clothing that you normally wouldn't buy because it costs too much? What if you rang up and old friend and went out for a walk, breakfast, lunch, a snack or supper and talked about the fun things you used to do together and make a date to do one of those things with your friend the next week? What if you spent the whole time with your friend focused only those things and left the trouble at home out of your discussion? What if you called an Al-Anon member and talked over the trouble at home and asked for guidance? Tried a new recipe every day for a week? Went for a swim without your husband and then wrote a poem or short story about the positives of your experience?
My ex was cross addicted - alcohol/pot. My son is cross addicted and brain damaged. I have multiple siblings who are functional alcoholics and one who isn't and has cirrhosis. The only way I can breathe in health more often than not is to work my program AND fill up my life with things that are good and healthy and fun for me. This is the direct opposite of what I did while caught up in my loved ones' diseases. Others will share their wisdom with you. I wanted to share what helped me get beyond seeing myself only as a codependent and victim of my family's disease. Keep coming back and treat yourself to fun and relaxation every day of your life - especially on those days you don't feel like it, are especially worried about your A, feel like fighting, or don't think you can go another step.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 30th of June 2013 08:36:27 PM
Hi there: I am new to this forum and hope to get some help. I do attend local Alanon meetings when I can, but need some help sometimes when there are no meetings or anyone else to talk to. My husband of 16 years is a major pot head but will also settle for getting shit faced if there are no drugs around. I am a social drinker and very light, at that. My family is full of addicts/alcoholics and I am a pathetic co-dependent (crying now...).... would just like to chat to people who know what it's like to be someone like me....thank you!
Hi there: I am new to this forum and hope to get some help. I do attend local Alanon meetings when I can, but need some help sometimes when there are no meetings or anyone else to talk to. My husband of 16 years is a major pot head but will also settle for getting shit faced if there are no drugs around. I am a social drinker and very light, at that. My family is full of addicts/alcoholics and I am a pathetic co-dependent (crying now...).... would just like to chat to people who know what it's like to be someone like me....thank you!
Hey Muffin,....Welcome to the club....I've been there..Done that.....grew up with drunks and then married drunks and potheads too
the only way though this crap is to work through it...work through me, and learn why i married into what I ran away from....
To do that I got a sponsor...got on the boards here, worked the heck out of the steps over and over and did family of origin/inner child work to see WHY I kept going back into the misery I ran away from and I discovered that I was a "learned Codependent" it was my "comfort zone" sticking with the familiar even tho it sucked majorally
to change my life, I had to change me and al-anon was my way out.....finding ME...who I was...What make me tick...Why I did the things that I did to sabotage me so I could change....change comes from within...I cannot change the alkie brother I still choose to have a close relationship, but I CAN change the way I respond to him when he is drunk
My boundaries i learned in Al-anon were for me...how to take care of me....
Your Husb. is on his own, you couldn't change him if you tried.....this drinking curse, you didn't cause it...you can't control it.....you cant cure it..........but you CAN change YOU and how you let this jerk you around or do you detach from it and let him to his own devices while you take care of yourself
please keep working the program...LOVE your going to meetings...and so glad you found this board....WE are here and WE are listening ok???
one day at a time...It took you a while to get messed up, it will take some work to manage it and a lot of it we can get rid of
I always say the deeper the pain, the deeper the recovery...I went through some horrific stuff as a child...thanks to those 2 drunks....I have ptsd and anxiety, but I aint giving up on me.....No..I probably will not recover from the anxiety and at best will be able to manage the ptsd, but I CAN and SHALL and AM making a decent, and better life for me.....
If I can come this far and I am gonna improve more as I work on me...Then anyone can.....We CAN overcome and manage our screwed up lives and our screwed up perceptions....We CAN.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
QUOTE.....The only way I can breathe in health more often than not is to work my program AND fill up my life with things that are good and healthy and fun for me. This is the direct opposite of what I did while caught up in my loved ones' diseases. Others will share their wisdom with you. I wanted to share what helped me get beyond seeing myself only as a codependent and victim of my family's disease. Keep coming back and treat yourself to fun and relaxation every day of your life - especially on those days you don't feel like it, are especially worried about your A, feel like fighting, or don't think you can go another step.
I can't agree with this more......however I still call me a RECOVERING "Coda" nothing wrong w/that, but the "victim" part I would check that at the door..I am not a victim....I work my program, take care of me, do stuff fun for me, as described by Grateful, above........its OK to take care of YOU....and that means....Program.(which is steps...literature....sponsor work....meetings.....posting and sharing on the board here.....in fact as a newbie, 12 years ago or so I went to meets on line or in person if I could find one every DAY for the first few months) NO major decisions for the first YEAR..... and I cut loose, at least emotionally, those people, places, things that did not nourish my recovery........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Codependent is not all bad. I entered into recovery knowing I had glaring codependent traits. 5 years later, I like to think I have let go of most of the ways those things hurt me but I have not become so "autonomous" and "independent" that I don't love, feel empathy, sympathy, and want good things for others. My relationship with my partner is still very important and one of the most meaningful things in my life. Some of my codependency aids me in relationships. It makes me committed. Being a people pleaser pays off for me at work sometimes too because I aim to please my employers.
So---remember, these terms are used to describe when the behavior becomes sick and hurts us. Not all love and caring and being sensitive is "codependent" so use that label only as it helps you.
Codependent is not all bad. I entered into recovery knowing I had glaring codependent traits. 5 years later, I like to think I have let go of most of the ways those things hurt me but I have not become so "autonomous" and "independent" that I don't love, feel empathy, sympathy, and want good things for others. My relationship with my partner is still very important and one of the most meaningful things in my life. Some of my codependency aids me in relationships. It makes me committed. Being a people pleaser pays off for me at work sometimes too because I aim to please my employers. So---remember, these terms are used to describe when the behavior becomes sick and hurts us. Not all love and caring and being sensitive is "codependent" so use that label only as it helps you.
DEar pinkchip....I absolutely love this post....For a while I did become "autonomous" and "Independent"...Its like I was a pendulum...I was waaay left at beginning of my recovery then after a while, I swung waaay right...I was autonomous and independent out of fear of being used and abused again..I was gonna protect me no matter what, but in the process, I was shutting out the GOOD relationships I had...so gradually through working step 4 and my sponsor I realized to have love and empathy and caring for others w/out carrying their "life knapsacks" that they could carry was OK...to love..to care...to have empathy..compassion I no longer see as a threat...I do have those traits , naturally, as I am a caring, compassionate person and I now trust when its "ok" and safe to be that way and when I have to bring up the drawbridges and say "NO"....I have 3, hopefully 4 clients whom I do bookkeeping services for....People might think I am a coda with my clients but I enjoy doing a good job and going 100% for them and they appreciate me for that....so yea, as long as the loving/caring/giving/assisting isn't toxic and its a blessing for all concerned then its "ok" when it becomes abused??? I can pull myself up short real fast now thanks to the program........LOVED your post....Thank you
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
