I was pm'ing w/a nice new friend on here who gave me some really, AS usual, good ES&H

thought I woudl share with you all something I learned

I just want to stop hurting me w/ accidents and then the anger at my inability to pay attention....I stubbed my toe due to NOT paying attention. Then got angry w/me for AGAIN...Not paying attention......

there is a cool thing I learned about forcing me to stay in the now.....NARRATE everything i am doing...like when I was walking to bathroom and kicked my toe.....what I needed to do was  say  "Ok, Neshema, U r walking, feel the tile on your feet...where are your feet???? feel the air between foot and air,  and just do a narration of what I am doing, sometimes piece by piece......like washing dishes.....I see me picking up dish...feel the sudsy water on it.....feel the weight of the dish or cup I am washing...the warmth of the water...etc................Hey I am gonna post this on the board.......might help some others who can not feel their body or pay attention

Yesterday in the pool, I swam...I felt my beautiful over hand strokes, cut through the water, I felt my head going from side to side, breathing in my nose, out my mouth, I felt the water carress my body as I swam, peacefully through the water, I felt my limberness 

I get back spasms due to the ptsd.....my left lower back is where a spasm was so bad, it tore the muscle so I have a "knot" in my lower back...the right side isn't half as bad...anyway, somtimes my back will "grip up" for no reason, I can turn wrong...sit and turn wrong...bend and turn wrong adn I can feel it "lock up"   so I have to, if it is bad enough take flexoril (muscle relax) and hydrocodone (pain ) to releive my pain.....however the one on the right side, travels down my r. rump and settles in the muscle -soft tissue of my left leg...and if i get hit on the left upper leg that pushes it towards my r. foot, OMG, the pain , but when I take a bath or swim, I get limbered or relaxed and I get relief....Its all soft tissue issues......Had my bone density test and I am fine.....

Anyway, this swimming is a god send to me b/c it relaxes my body and I am not tight...not feeling my bad back....i feel good....and its so funny......I can play tennis and NO pain....I can do any sport and NO pain.....why??? probably its becuz I am out of my head and enjoying my  "oneness" with me...

So...why not narrate what I am doing to   keep me in present  (can't get anxious thoughts if I am in present)...keep me in my body  (can't kick my toe or bang myself if I am paying  attention)....also My breathing kinda follows when i am narrating what I am doing...right now....I do it at work and I am the most efficient thing at work..incredible......its OUT of work where I need to help me focus.....so whenI meditate, I focus on my breath....Did it last night and it did help me relax....

so my GOAL is to be at oneness with me....to connect with me.....when growing up my booze saturated father would come into my room starting when I was 13 and he would make me "use my hand" on him...I had to "go away" to get through it.....this kept up until I was legally old enough to run away.....yes, i got away from him, but not the emotional demons and this habit of having to "check out" til its over....now I am not at risk of being attacked by a monster.....now i can be in my body....I do not have to "go away"   I do not have to  "dissociate" to get through anything......

I will practice this till I get better......my GOAL for this upcoming how ever long it takes is to be in my body...in the present....connected fully to me.....AND finding joy wherever and whenever I can find it....

I am learning soo much or being reminded of so much on this wonderful board...

Have a good Sunday, board mates......Cheers and happy thoughts to all of you