The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read many of the post tonight and couldn't bring myself to respond to each of them individually. While each person on this forum is valued and truly a member of my chosen family, I too am going through my own struggles, my life feels very topsy turvy, I am going through my own mental aerobics, and my emotional center seems pretty whacked out most the time. Now, I must be honest. I believe that 40% of the unmanageability in my life it is a direct result of having active alcoholics in my life, and the other 60% of it is about how I am responding to it all. I have been in Al-Anon for 14 years and think that I'm behaving and processing things like an untreated Al-Anon. like a newcomer, or maybe even worse because I can be very skilled and use the program as a weapon against others, instead of as a tool that provides the opportunity for ME to make needed adjustments in MY own life, not to fix the lives of others with. Sometimes, it's as though all the program I can muster cannot stop me from being unhealthy and making unhealthy decisions, letting myself get saturated in unhealthy thinking and feelings. Like the analogy of the person who says, "leave me alone, I can do this myself, I don't need or want anyone's help, just back the hell off!" And then turns around and resents everyone because they are having to do everything alone and no one is even trying to help them! LOL Or someone stating they want and need help, and gets a lot of it, but instead of utilizing it, immediately starts out setting up road blocks to new ideas and obstacles (excuses and justifications) that interfere with their ability to take and use any solid suggestions. And so the mental and emotional whirlwind gets ignited within and takes on a life of its own. It just needs to just get started by ME, and then it is running the show again. So many times, I have to say, with the voice of authority, firmly, like I am disciplining a child, "John, Stop! Just stop! I've have put up with enough of your crap for one day!" Like what the heck am I going to do? Take my own cell phone away? Put myself on house restriction for 3 days? Tell myself, "go into your bedroom and don't come out until your attitude changes!"?
The funny part is what get's said after that spill... "bud, me and you are going to a meeting tonight and you are going to be honest and tell on yourself!" Suddenly, since that is the last thing I really want to do, the unhealthy part of me starts to straighten up and act right again, trying to find a way around this self embarrassing, sometimes humiliating experience. But I don't let him, (ME) off the hook that easy. If I do, I can't get any better, and by gawh, I am so tired of being sick and tired!
Boundaries? I read a lot about them here. My experience has been that to set a healthy boundary on unhealthy people, I am setting the stage for being disrespected, my boundary being ignored, and being disappointed again and very upset at those I love who have untreated Alcoholism. So, I don't set boundaries on them, I set them on ME. They are mine. I get to take full responsibility for whether they are honored. I don't do the "if you drink or drug in my home, or come into it under the influence, I will.. blah blah blah. I set the boundary by saying to myself, "my home is MY safe haven, where I come to relax, enjoy myself, be comfortable, etc. When my home is not that for me, I will do this... and I will do that... to regain, and reclaim my life and my serenity. If it means I have to put someone out, I will. But one thing for me... is I will not leave my own home. When that day comes, it is time for someone to go, but it isn't going to be me. Does the alcoholic need to hear this boundary? I don't think so. I need to hear and honor it. It's mine. I am responsible for creating it and honoring it. I put some relatively healthy boundaries on MYSELF. I am an animal lover. I have 3 little dogs and two cats. They are so very dear to me. I will not associate with any one who abuses, is mean to, or is cruel to animals in any way. Should this become a obvious part of the picture of any one's personality, I will find a way to exit my relationship with them immediately, and no longer associate myself with them. Do I need to tell everyone this, set the boundary and give them a warning? I don't think so, its MY boundary, I need to know it and honor it. Another self imposed boundary; I will stay out of most people's business and let them work things out between themselves. But if it involves animal cruelty, abuse of a child, the disabled or the elderly... I will make the phone call to the appropriate authorities, I will not turn my back to it. Again, my boundary, I get to honor it.
Trying to get abnormal, unhealthy people to act normal and healthy only sets the stage for me to go nuts and become a "crazy maker". I don't want to do that to myself or others. So, I might express my position once to someone else, but after that... I am not expecting them to honor it, I am expecting ME to honor it.
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I cannot fix any one else's pain, suffering or hardship, but I can be supportive and encouraging, in many ways, offer what I can and simply be there as they move through it and get to the other side of it. If they are not willing to do that, but prefer to stay stuck in it... I simply back away, and let them find their own path. I will not allow myself to drown in the dis-ease of others, trying to help them when they are not trying to help themselves. When finding a solution for someone else becomes more important to me than it is to them... something is seriously wrong with that picture.
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Another boundary on myself. When my life, that is a gift of recovery get's so busy that it is taking my recovery from me... I'm not able to make as many meetings as I need or should, I am not having time in the am to say my prayer and read a page of literature, when I don't have time to sit down and do my free flow, thought of conscious writing for 10 minutes at the end of a day because I am just too tired, I'm not staying in touch with other members of the recovery community... I will put the breaks on, recommit myself to my recovery, bring it back to being the priority above all else, and do a 30 day regiment that brings back a sense of true structure and consistency in my life. I either want to get better or stay sick, and this boundary helps ensure that I am always willing to move back into getting better, getting healthier.
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There is more I could write, but I've done as much as I can at this time. I may be adding a few things to this as a reply when I review a few of the post I have read.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I have to go back to the beginning and say the first 3 steps to myself over and over. I light a candle every night in my bedroom, say the serenity prayer and my prayers for all our son's and daughters. I read below often
1. STOP repeating negative enabling behavior in all its forms 2. STOP ignoring my own personal issues 3. STOP being alone in my pain 4. STOP the flow of money - NOW 5. STOP pretending things are going to be fine if I continue as I have been 6. STOP putting off the changes that must be made 7. STOP my own destructive patterns and behaviors 8. STOP feeling guilty 9. STOP demanding that my child change 10. STOP making excuses for his negative behaviors and/or choices 11. STOP engaging in arguments, debates, or negotiations - no verbal volleyball 12. STOP being a martyr
If I continue to act badly is only hurts me......nobody else.....nobody. If I continue to fear, worry and cry for someone else it only hurts me.....
I will continue to pray for the strength and courage to change my life and have peace within.
I will Let Go Let God
We love you John....you are not alone.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Dear John - my life today is just my grown daughter and I going through each day; the Al-anon and spiritual stuff inside of me permeates into almost every conversation with her and she accepts it with grace and even echos it at times. Just yesterday we journeyed to the next state to buy fireworks, the big booming kind, yeah baby! On July 4th we will journey again to that state where they have an area all mapped out and ready for all the pyromaniacs to play - its a hoot! I spent more than I wanted to considering I am taking her to Vegas this month, but what good is going if you don't have your own toys to play with? Afterwards we went to lunch, found out one of our favorite places is closed, boo hoo, went to another favorite, had a good lunch and spent a HOT afternoon going to a few garage sales, got groceries, bought a few items of new clothes (rare for me!) and then went home. The heat of the day had worn us down, we watched a movie in the darkened cool house and then I puttered outside after the heat had eased up a bit. She came out and we sat on the porch chatting until darkness and mosquitos came; went inside, she to her room, me to my piano until I couldn't see (I like to play in the almost dark), then I watched something on Netflix and finally went to bed.
Whyfore do I bore you with the details of my yesterday? Well, since you asked, its because your post makes me think of a topic we visit often; living a simple life, eliminating anything we can that causes complications or strife. Almost every day one of us remarks on how nice it is to live without the bs of the last few years with my ex-A and her bullying father (two different men). Yesterday she remarked that we talk about it because its important to remind ourselves to appreciate just how great it is - no one yells in my house and we both really love the peace and happiness within our walls. We talk about finding someone; we talk about being lonely for a special someone; and we talk about not being willing to let any someone into our lives if they bring with them any chaos and negativity.
I've heard people say they "did the 12 steps" like they are something you do once and move on - I revisit different places in the line depending on where my life is - Step 1 continually crops up in regards to what might be going on right now - "is it in my power to do anything about this, or, what CAN I do about this?" Step 4 & 10 - why does THIS particular event bug me so much, what are the roots of my unrest? And Step 12 - passing it on is just so easy because I am happy in my life, I want to share the secret to my happiness! I visit this website several times every day, because I know that I need to keep reminding myself of it, not be doomed to repeat the past.
I'm off to do something to the Iris's in my garden before it gets too hot to play in the dirt - Cheers!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
YOU said..........My experience has been that to set a healthy boundary on unhealthy people, I am setting the stage for being disrespected, my boundary being ignored, and being disappointed again and very upset at those I love who have untreated Alcoholism. So, I don't set boundaries on them, I set them on ME. They are mine. I get to take full responsibility for whether they are honored. I don't do the "if you drink or drug in my home, or come into it under the influence, I will.. blah blah blah. I set the boundary by saying to myself, "my home is MY safe haven, where I come to relax, enjoy myself, be comfortable, etc. When my home is not that for me, I will do this... and I will do that... to regain, and reclaim my life and my serenity. If it means I have to put someone out, I will. But one thing for me... is I will not leave my own home. When that day comes, it is time for someone to go, but it isn't going to be me. Does the alcoholic need to hear this boundary? I don't think so. I need to hear and honor it. It's mine. I am responsible for creating it and honoring it. I put some relatively healthy boundaries on MYSELF. I am an animal lover. I have 3 little dogs and two cats. They are so very dear to me. I will not associate with any one who abuses, is mean to, or is cruel to animals in any way. Should this become a obvious part of the picture of any one's personality, I will find a way to exit my relationship with them immediately, and no longer associate myself with them. Do I need to tell everyone this, set the boundary and give them a warning? I don't think so, its MY boundary, I need to know it and honor it. Another self imposed boundary; I will stay out of most people's business and let them work things out between themselves. But if it involves animal cruelty, abuse of a child, the disabled or the elderly... I will make the phone call to the appropriate authorities, I will not turn my back to it. Again, my boundary, I get to honor it.
I SAy..........This is sooo what I need to do....set the boundary for ME.....Oh i see where I have been screwing up....setting a boundary on THEM, telling THEM , when I just need to do it for ME and then stand to it..............LOVE this post.......THANK you and oh....I am with you on the animals, elderly and otherwise vulnerable creatures......Abuse one??? I will call the cops or the animal shelter in a heartbeat.......U R sooo spot on on this post..........THANK U for really clarifying this with all of us.........I sure got a bunch out of it..............Cheers and have a WONDERFUL Sunday........from a GR8ful Neshema
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you John for your heart felt and very helpful share. All great reminders... and I do need to fine tune my boundaries so that I am safe and not giving fertile ground for resentments.
I long time ago, I accepted that I would feel like an Alanon beginner because for me it will be progress and not perfection, and, despite not feeling (or wanting to feel) human at times, I totally am. It's helpful for me to remind myself that each day is a new beginning and that I can restart the day at any point.
I'm grateful that you're here and there is this amazing MIP family!
Please be gentle with you and do something good for yourself today. Sending prayers for overcoming your struggles.
I live in a duplex on a cul-da-sac that is usually very quiet. However, last night there was some insane stuff going on between a few of my neighbors. A man that lives right next door to my place, in the same duplex, was shot by a woman that lives a few doors down. He was in the street intoxicated with a group of others, not on the woman's property, but in the street, yelling and calling her names with some others. Without a doubt he was intoxicated. She on the other hand suffers from untreated severe bipolar disorder and for whatever reason had access to her boyfriends gun. She went inside and brought it out and started shooting it into the small crowd gathered in front of her yard. Today he is still in the hospital being treated for a gun shot wound to the stomach, and she is in jail for assault with a deadly weapon resulting in serious bodily injury. I was writing my post when all this stuff was going on outside. I went to open my door and look to see what all the yelling was about when the first two shots were fired. I retreated back into my apartment and called 911. While on the phone with them a few more shots were fired and thats when I heard my neighbor screaming in pain that he had been shot.
When all was said and done, the police, ambulance gone, I thought to myself... God, I am so truly grateful that whatever mental health problem I have (anxiety/depression)
is not allowed to go unchecked, and I'm not a drunk standing in front a mentally unstable woman with a gun in her hands, continuing to arguing with her about something, like an idiot! LMAO!
I sat back down and continued writing my post.
This is what it looked like outside my front door last night. Yeah, I couldn't help but take a pic with my cell phone. :)
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
((((John))))...that all sounds so normal to me including the chaos. I remind myself of a small variation of Tom's experience to keep me sane and on my side of the street, "They are going to drink, use, shoot each other, yell, scream and bring the authorities...what are you going to do"?. Works for me. I got peace of mind and serenity to wallow in and so I get to it. Let go and Let God, Don't play God, Smile and say "No...Thank you...I've had enough" and then go home. Remember this is a "walk" program not a "talk" show. Practice, Practice, Practice. Grateful for John.
John: I used to get so upset when people told me expecting the alcoholic to act normal is like setting yourself up. Because of course I was obsessed with the alcoholic, fixing them. I realize now I was always obsessed with fixing my parents or getting my parents to know what they did to me. Since they are now dead that isn't going to happen.
I live in a crazy world, the place I live in is full of addictions too. There is a long saga along with it and some days I can fall victim to it and somedays I don't. I also work in a crazy place, who doesn't. I have been working for decades, every place has been a real test to my boundaries. These days I am adamant I am only doing my job. Everyone in the world tries to get me to do their job too. In reality I can do the job with my eyes shut but I can get so caught up in the games and manipulations that go on. I have to learn to step aside from them. I really like your idea of setting a boundary for myself. I did that one by saying I am only going to do my job. I can meet the goals of the position with my eyes shut. Some people crave attention so badly they will do anything to get it. Do I need to give it to them I don't think so. I have to learn to set more and more boundaries for myself.
A great share, John...
