I just told my AH that I could not be around him when he is drinking. Of course he really is not drinking. - Al-Anon Family Group

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I just told my AH that I could not be around him when he is drinking. Of course he really is not drinking.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, if it helped you to say it, then you've done what you can for you for now. So, now that you've walked away after telling him you can't be around him while he is drinking, what fun thing can you do for yourself? It doesn't have to be big!!! It can be as little as going outside to watch stars, writing a limerick, baking a cake from scratch, sketching the night sky, trying a new hairstyle, entering the chatroom to see if there is someone to hang out with now.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am going to get my hair trimmed tomorrow and go to a book store, and weather permits, I will go and sit on my patio with my dogs. Thanks.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jen. The thing is, when we state a boundary, we must be clear it is one, and have consequences when that person steps over out boundary. Without consequences it means nothing.

example: AH I need to set a boundary for myself. I choose to be around sober people. I find I am uncomfortable when I am around people who use. If someone chooses to drink or use other drugs, I don't want them in my house, in my bed,or sharing time with me.

OR whatever you want to say. example: If you choose to drink or be drunk, I will take myself into another room to do my own thing.

I will leave the home. I want you to not be in our home drinking or drunk.

consequences can be you don't get to have my company, you need to go somewhere else, I will make plans to move out. Whatever. HE needs to know he has a choice as an adult.

Well if I drink she will leave the room, house, may decided to move out. YOu have a right to live how you choose and so does he.

Its nothing against him this way. You don't want to be around anyone who drinks. its not a punishment becuz he has a right to do what he chooses. YOu have the right to decide how you want to live also.

Being together only works when both sides respect each others space and choices.

Me, I removed myself from his company. It was fine and worked for me. I cannot control him anyway and never wanted to.

hugs,debilyn ps good for you for looking for the skills to live with the A!

giraffe13 · Senior Member

I told my Abf I did not want to be around him when he was drinking. I did this same thing. Then, he started to have behaviors of leaving me out of things, I wouldn't hear from him when I normally would. So, I started to go out and do my own things w/ my friends. That triggered him to get angry and tell me that I " never invite him out with me or my friends and I am treating him badly." I found myself in a corner obviously , and now I am wondering what to tell him. I do not want him coming out with us b/c he drinks until he blacks out. every time almost.

He manipulated the situation and turned it around on me as being " neglectful" that I did not include him in my life. However, If i make no plans to do anything with anyone, and tell him I do not want to be around him when he drinks, he has no problem leaving me at home and enjoying his time out with his friends!

funny how that worked out.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

The biggest lesson I have learned and NO it's not an easy one is mean what I say .. say what I mean and don't say it mean.

If I am stating what I mean with my motives being clear/clean meaning I'm not looking to manipulate, control or manage a situation for the other person then their reaction is their issue not mine.

I've already shared so much of this so I will put it out there .. I stated on 5/15, please do not contact me about the divorce case I will no longer respond, I will discuss the children and visitation with you. I am done discussing things that will have to be resolved in court. His response still texting me about things that were about court and resorted to texting my oldest about visitation. 5/17, please do not contact me about the divorce case. (this had to do about lawn mowers and HIS stuff .. LOL) my mother is coming into town and if you would like to pick your stuff up in front of her and the kids with the sheriff (he told me there would be a sheriff present to "keep the peace"). You are more than welcome to come or you can do it after she leaves. His response .. fine I will wait for her to leave. Once again contacting the kids about visitation and me about the court case. 5/31 contacting me about the court case while in his atty's office no less because my atty called his atty and asked about some weird money stuff. Me .. no response. 6/7 contacting me about the court case after not seeing the kids for 4 weeks (my mom's visit) and stating that he's not going to do this or that and I lied about some financial things such as seeing his bank account and a man who is basically a figment of bad information. Me .. no response to him. Sunday morning as he's dropping the kids off calling the Sheriff's department and they were waiting for him to drop off the kids as to "keep the peace". By Wednesday I had an EOP and now that has been extended to 8/8 ..

This is what a boundary is to me .. can I follow through on what I say? Do I really want to deal with the consequences of my decisions? (this is a real PItA in terms of visitation I love the peace it brings, so for me it's worth it.) Am I just saying it to manipulate/control an alternative agenda .. I want them to stop drinking, I want them to see how wrong they are, I want them to "fill in the blank". For me the consequence of the OP means that I have peace and serenity regardless if he is drinking or not. He has been informed there is NO contact and apparently I really mean NO contact. I am no longer willing to deal with an irrational person. Can I say it in a way that is not mean or can I just change my behavior? Obviously the situation I am giving it was extreme. NO, you can NO longer treat me as if I am invisible or as if it is ok to verbally, mentally, emotionally abuse me because your angry over your own behavior. NO, this is unacceptable behavior and I DO have other choices. NO, you do not get to do what you want to do and I'm just going to go along with it all. My issue is he's not listening and I've said NO many times and very directly this has fully gotten his attention and he is NOT happy about it.

Boundaries for me .. do I really mean what I say or am continuing to send the same message that another person doesn't need to listen to my words? I'm now putting actions behind what I say. I'm also prepared to understand that if I throw MY will into the mix the results are going to be a tad messy. At this point the peace .. OMGosh the peace is sooo worth it.

Hugs P :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the truth is that if we decide that we cannot be around an alcoholic's drinking -- which is a very reasonable and self-protective decision -- then we will not be around their life very much. Because their life is obsessively, compulsively devoted to alcohol. Relationships are just a side hobby for them. If we don't want to play second fiddle, then there's not very much left for us in their world. Of course they want us to stay available when they have a need for us. So of course they'll accuse us of being snooty or unavailable or unloving. But if we want a real relationship with both people fully in it, then we're looking in the wrong place if we look for it with an active alcoholic. And if we refuse to hang out with someone whose focus is always on alcohol -- if we refuse to spend our time feeling needy and second-best -- then we won't be spending much time with them. That's the truth of it in my experience.

giraffe13 · Senior Member

my oh my was that worded well Mattie. Thank you.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Mattie, U said it....Sooo spot on....I have never been ANYones #1 , ever, in my life...It was either favored siblings that displaced me and later, when married, I was #2 to the bottle and it was a distant #2......oooh yea, when I first got into recovery, I eliminated the thought of having any man in my life until I felt within that it was going to be healthy and a TWO way street....So far, I have dated, but have not been in any relationship...The older one gets, I think it is harder....I just figure, IF it is right, WHEN it is right IF it is meant to be, I'll meet someone....

Until then??? I have become quite adept at "dating myself" If I want to go to the movies?? I take myself...Sometimes I get lonely, but not often...As i become more comfortable w/me and my company, being alone does not mean I am lonely...There are plenty of things I can do to have fun....I learned....It is a hell of a lot better than being with someone who reeks of alcohol and is slurring his speech and is nasty or insulting like my AH #1 was...AH #2 was fun, but I wanted us both in recovery...That was back in 2000...That year, in May we split b/c I wanted to get better and he wanted to drink...I wanted to Address my many issues...So when we split, yes, I had to adjust, and my brother died so it was a tough year..Then in 2001 I was battling to save this job I was in b/c sales had dipped and I was doing a budget to cut costs, we had lay offs , thank goodness I wasn't let go, but still...I hadn't yet gotten into recovery

Summer of 02..August, I finally said to myself "NO more distractions" and I got into recovery and the first thing I realized was NO relationships..NO major decisions till my inner HP gave me a sign that I was "Ok" enough to do major changes....Now I think I could pick someone healthy enough, if there is such a thing, and hold up my end of a relationship, and I can trust my choices and decisions better....

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