It's hard not to be REALLY angry - Al-Anon Family Group

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

It's hard not to be REALLY angry

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

He sure knows how to work it, doesn't he? What might happen if you let his Dad know that you've rethought the whole thing and realized that since this is something he and your son agreed upon, you aren't comfortable getting into the middle of it with them and therefore won't be paying for it or giving your son rides after you talk with your son about it? Might be risky, but it might also help change things, too. (translation: Disease, this game won't be working with me anymore.) You could also let his Dad know that down deep, you know that he wants to do this for your son and you trust that he will come through with his promise to his son. Then, let it go.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 29th of June 2013 07:37:45 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 29th of June 2013 07:42:04 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Your heart is being manipulated by your X. He knows exactly what screws to turn. He isn't going to change until you do. This can go on for the rest of your life. At first, its like cold water thrown in the face - then it gets easier. My daughter tried this same kind of thing with me with my grandson. I kept giving and giving because I didn't want him to be hurt or disappointed. One day - a day before his birthday - she called me needing money to celebrate his birthday. Oh, Gosh!!!!!!! Imagine the emotions with that one. I said, "Let me think about this." I did. I called her back. "Daughter. You have known for a year that your son's birthday was coming up. I've decided that I'm not going to help you with this. You are capable of figuring it out on your own." She was furious. I was sick inside - worried about his birthday. Guess what. She found a friend who loaned her the money and he had his birthday party. I also got him presents, but I let his birthday party planning in her court.

Her son. Her responsibility. Her desire to give him a party. She tried me a few times after that. Didn't work. She found ways to make more money, budget better and quit throwing money away. And she got over her "mad."

I also edited my previous post with an additional suggestion for you.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 29th of June 2013 07:48:21 PM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow!!! I hate that for the kids and I'm in a similar position. The stbax promises the moon and I am left to deliver. I've been able to however not any more. I sat down and explained to the kids that I am not in a position to continue to make good on their dads promises. Now they are responding to his promises by saying that sounds great, I'm excited that you will be following through ... for the moment it's working. I have to break it down to if I am enabling him and do I feel resentful in having to pick up the slack. If the answer to either of those is yes .. and I just don't have the money or time .. it's an unfortunate reality of the kids aren't going to do it. Maybe it's not right .. I've been sending them back to their dad for answers as to why the answer changed. I sooo understand wanting those extra things. If I choose to do it I have to take responsibility that I'm allowing the behavior and do it with a smile on my face. I hear you sister on being angry and amazed at the stupidity of the thought process. Hugs p :)

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful and pushka --

thank you...I'm sitting here at the end of my rope...and it's so nice to know there are people out there who get it and have ideas about how to deal....

BLECH. I hate the disease.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I was typing on my mobile .. LOL .. anyway, I wanted to add something .. my daughter decided she wants to learn to play the violin .. I'd love for her to learn .. I can't afford the lessons or the instrument .. sooo .. I suggested she work out what kind of things she could do to earn money towards it. She made the choice to talk to her dad and he has made 1/2 of a payment for her. That's between them and that's fine. What I'm trying to teach her is money, budgeting and what things cost. She's finding out that it's not going to be so inexpensive in terms of lessons and so on. Again .. I'm happy to pay her to do extra chores and so on, I'm not giving her money just because .. I figure let Dad do that if that's what he chooses to do. While I would rather he be on the same page .. he's not and because of the lack of communication at the moment it's forced me to stay out of it. Now if it doesn't happen .. I can't be blamed, this is between them .. I have NOTHING to do with it. I only have to hold up my end of the bargain with her.

Anyway, .. it's going to be a difficult lesson for her and it's her first really in terms of money. She's excited though and regardless what she does with the violin .. this is really the first thing she's had to earn on her own, figure out how much lessons are and so on. It has already given her a greater appreciation for what she has been able to do and now she's creating her own path.

Hugs P :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((rehprof)))) learning this program and walking it are two different things. When I got into recovery I went from all far left to all far left and then learned that serenity is really somewhere in the middle. My sponsorship used the metaphor of a fine German wall clock. I was asked to respond on how the pendelum works in order for the clock to keep near perfect time. "It doesn't make wild swings...it makes gentle small swings left of center and then right of center". This was how I would monitor my recovery and my relationship with my alcoholic/addict. The gentle swings I learned came from using patience and tolerance and open mindedness and a willingness to work with rather than defaulting to work against. "I can do that"? I asked and then was told "not only can you; you must in order to participate in recovery". I was to do my part...I expected my alcoholic/addict to do her's...I was to do mine and sometimes, actually a lot of the time, I had to overcome my fear in order to do that; my fear of calling off my resentments and my fear of appearing of going against my decisions I adamently made in the past because I was soooo angry and rageful at her. I learned how to be a part of our mutal responsibilities and detach from the fear and anger and resentment. It became okay to be vunerable...scary...and okay. I stopped fighting all of the time and relaxed and I am remembering that our literature was so very helpful along with the fellowship and my sponsor.

You are sooooo right. "It's hard not to be REALLY angry" and it is growth not to be or let anger get in the way. Keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Of course you don't get it, you are not insane! Sounds like some boundaries are needed here.

I found in this type of thing to sit down and right down the rules.

Whoever has the kids, it is their responsibility to do 100% of caring for them financially, entertainment etc.

There is no you taking over for his decisions! It would not kill your son to go to dads and dad will have to figure out what to do. Myself I don't want my kids to learn that mom will pick up the slack when dad blows it. I want them to learn to accept him as is. If I clean up dads messes, then I am showing them how we are suppose to fix an A's bolony. nope.

When you are with me, this happens and you can depend on that. When you are with dad, whatever happens with dad is what happens.

I refuse to clean up an AH's messes. AH can get a job. But why when you will clean up his bolony?

Kids just want to be with us, they don't care what they are doing. I loved doing the dishes with my mom, holding boards when my dad used the saw.

sometimes we don't realize when our sickness is showing. I am sure you don't call ex and say hey I was going to take the kids to the pool, but decided you don't work so you come do it. I bet you don't even think like that.

YOu are an amazing person, your kids see that. They also need to see Dads bolony but how he will figure it out and treat them well anyway without dumping things on you.

sending you love,debilyn

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you everyone.

One thing I am learning with alanon tools -- my anger and resentment last less long...it used to eat me up...now I am finding ways to let it go..it's just hard after the initial incident with the ex..and he still manages to surprise me...

I just have to figure out what I am willing to do, and not "pick up his slack" -- and then explain to him what I will and won't do.

Jerry F -- I don't know if I can ever just accept him or his behavior...it's like being "okay" with someone burning you over and over and over...I cannot, and will not ever be okay with what he has done to me, or my family...because that would be totally invalidating to my feelings and experiences of pain...if that makes sense? I can detach...but that is all I can do.

RP

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

My friend you are right where you need to be, as long as you work your program have faith in the process, .. your journey is right where it needs to be, keep the faith sister-friend.

The benefits of the program are far better than doing this dance without it.

Hugs P :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

His family is in denial, too. Easier to blame you than to accept they have a sick kid on their hands over whom they are powerless, too. I understand how hard it is to raise children with a sick Dad and no family support to back us up. I lived it, too. I also had church people put me down because I was divorced without every finding out why. I might as well have worn a scarlet "A" on my chest with them while I worked three jobs, tended to the kids, took them to the doctor, dentist, church, soccer, softball, PTA meetings, school programs, etc. Then, his girlfriends got involved in the mix, but they learned quickly why he was no longer married to me and it wasn't due to my being the wicked witch of the west who "made him do drugs, drink, beat me, not pay support just in case I'd give the money to any imagined or real new love interest, or bring people who were getting deeper into the drug culture into our home and theirs." I was often accused of doing things I would never have even thought of doing by him and his family, too, that was used to hurt me anywhere and with anyone he and his family saw fit.

Its no easy road you're traveling, but you're traveling it with a willingness to do your best to care for yourself and for your children. We don't get family support or medals for taking care of our children or living through what we have lived through, but we do get to do what we believe is right for ourselves and for our families and choose who we'll let into our lives following our decision to deal with our lives as they are. Al-Anon sure helps us stick to what is a mountainous climb to a happier, healthier life. Lots of support and understanding as you rebuild your life through adversity,
challenges, set backs, surprises and lots and lots of miracles with the help and guidance of your HP. When you look back on what you have lived through as you age, you will see just how heroic your spiritual journey has been and you'll be grateful for it all.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think we ever have to be okay with it. But it gives us peace when we're no longer surprised by the chaos. "Of course he'd do that -- he's an alcoholic. I see that 'SICK SICK SICK' written on his forehead." And when we figure out how not to let them pull our strings, it's more peaceful.

I think if I were in this situation, I'd leave the problem of the lessons right where it belongs, with the A. It might even be enabling to pick up where the A failed and keep the lessons going despite the hassle for you. I understand that your son would be disappointed. I'm afraid life does have disappointments. But it's not your job to carry all the weight for your A. "I'm afraid your dad's not very reliable, as you know," you might say. "What else shall we do this weekend?" Peace for you, realistic expectations for your son. Take good care of yourself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.