Anger toward the alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Anger toward the alcoholic

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dearest Jim, Hey if you go out there, volunteer at an animal shelter or a carwash or support whatever is going on in your community, GET OUT THERE! Volunteer at a used book store.

um women like confident men, men who listen to them and ask questions. But women like a man who wants attention back too, don't be a wus. If you are afraid you will blow it, like if you are fixing her tire whatever so what? Just do your best.

Smile at people, mellow out, smell like soap, keep a nice shaving thing or a nice beard/mustache. I like a clean shaven face, and sorta long hair. Somehow my guy has a bald head and a beard and mustache! lol And I think he is yummy!

being confidant, and comfy in your own body is VERY attractive to women, good women. Be careful as there are lots of them who only think about themselves. lose them fast. but if you volunteer at a soup kitchen or whatever you get to know people and get comfy and that is the best way to find, OH I like her, she likes me then ask them to go for a walk. keep it simple at first.

Listen to her, do not look at other women when you are around her! I mean it is natural to some point. My guy teases and flirts with waitresses etc. Does not bother me a bit. He is mine I know it and he would NEVER do anything if he wants me. and he does...hehe

Just be you, let your freak flag fly too, be the unique one of a kind person you are. THAT is attractive. I would also say talk positive, only positive things in your head. Go out to make friends by being one.

My friend tricked me into meeting three single guys she had at her house for dinner. lol I am so in love with my guy that they were just nice men, but..... nothing.

What i am saying is look for people you feel comfy with as friends. I do get the lonliness. Thru mip I learned I was lonely for that person, not my life situation. We can fix that.

I thought about how my life is on a new path, and find all kinds of things i want to do to change my life for the better. Its exciting. take risks!!!

What have you always wanted to do? do it! I want to parachute. I want to swim with the pigs at this one tropical place. I want to meet dan hill a wonderful singer.

Let go of the pain, throw it away! Try on some new wings! hugs,debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey, Slogan Jim: There are all sorts of kids who have no male role models in their lives that are in need of consistent adults with them and lots of organizations begging for dependable adults who will be present to the kids in ways they can depend on and trust. Check some out in your locale.
Find a good one that requires background checks (on you alone), drug and alcohol screens, maybe even driving record checks that also has other volunteers involved that you can get to know. Give to those kids what you wanted and didn't get. It's healing for them. It's healing for you. Be one of the few men who get involved in a work like this and help give them some of what they aren't getting. You might even meet a gal that you can develop a friendship with although that shouldn't be the main reason you volunteer. Its only a few hours a week to work in most organizations, but it can open up a whole new life for you while it benefits children who are growing up just like you did. You can't have what you wanted, but you can give what you wanted if you so choose.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Here in New England it's been a dreary week, and I've been feeling down and lonely too. I responded to someone's elses post this thought...my hopelessness and loneliness are my safety zone. I isolate because it's what I am SAFE doing. It is safer than taking risks and putting myself out there and especially risking being rejected and judged by others.

My counselor told me that I need to practice and work on these socializing skills...a little at a time...and get out of my comfort zone....and as much as I hate it, he is right.

So, my challenge is to initiate contact with someone (not necessarily a date...but with a friend)...and set something up...we'll see how it goes...hopefully I won't just stay home with a book...which is what I usually do...

RP

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Guys,

Thanks but it's not lack on confidence, lack of belief in myself or fear of rejection that are holding me back. It's that I am not finding opportunities to get rejected ahaha. I get out, I play ball hockey, I go to the gym, I have friends, I go to 3 meetings a week, I volunteer on committees....I am out there. I have even got phone numbers from girls I talk to on the bus.

All the things you guys are mentioning were a factor in the past and i'm pissed that because of that I have missed the boat and now I'm paying for it. I'm angry because those were my 20's. I feel like the opportunities I blew were supposed to be the foundation of my life. Now they're gone. It really seems like I have 0 to look forward to.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

So is your #1 obstacle between your ears? hahahaha sometimes my biggest issues are because of the way I'm thinking about it...my biggest enemy is between my ears...

if you figure it all out, please post, or write a book or something...because I really need a life manual...

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You weren't ready or it would have happened then. There's no such thing as missed opportunities. If you didn't see them then - they weren't for you.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi slogan_jim,

I don't know your story. I find myself alone after a 31 year marriage. I understand having a 0 social life. My AHSober has filed for divorce. We have been separated for 8 years. He has a great social life evidently. I don't have any answers. I made a major move last summer. I attend Alanon meetings, talk to my sponsor, read the literature, and try to be of service to others. I moved in with my 90 year old mother. Talk about no social life! We watch Lawrence Welk on Saturday night.

I have had to make an effort on my behalf. I go alone to functions, signed up for things at the gym, go to freebies at my school, call friends, make new friends. And there I sit still alone. Sometimes I get too busy trying to fill the void. I believe in the program that says this too shall pass. Keep trying.

Nancy

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Um what????? you missed the boat? I am 60 there are still opportunities. Geez are you laying in bed dying? lol If the past stuff to you was the boat you missed, believe me there are many boats to flag down!

If you truly wanted to meet someone back there you would have. Life keeps going, we must keep going. I do relate, but wonder if you are tired or hungry or feeling unconnected. It can be a hormonal thing too.

Do you have a dog? I am telling you having a mutt to take walking and hiking and fishing is nice too.

there are infinite opportunities out there, so put yourself in them again. Who cares about your age, you are going to get older anyway!

I missed my chance to go onto medical school. I think about it so much to go back. Sadly my hands are no good anymore. I wanted to be an emergency surgeon. BUT I use my skills to do vetting for me and others.

Whatever you love get out there and do it. So go get on the buses and go just to talk to people! I go to crummy ole Walmart, take my service dog, a cute Pom. When I come out I feel so much better.

I do relate, my huge family is gone. I have my son here that is it. Every time people are going camping and family fun picnics, dates, sunday meetings together, i can get that pit that hurts in my stomach cuz I am alone. I can go weeks not talking to or seeing anyone. Now I have learned that me going out there I can help me to feel better.

My friends are all married to their hi school loves. sadly mine died. So believe me I get it. It, for me is part of the way my life went. I am telling you though, I am OPEN to falling in love and meeting someone and starting a friendship and on even if I am 99!

Hey it helps to have five dogs, couple cats and a pot bellied pig in my bed.? hehe Get on facebook on your newspage and jabber with people for awhile. What do you love? boating, fishing what? I have met the most fun people who have the same passions I do. I could talk pigs and goofy animals all day long. Or we talk about rescue or post funny videos of funny stuff.

I met the man I love and plan to marry someday online here at mip in the chat room many years ago!

get that cute bum out there and have fun! love,debilyn.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I tried to post something last night and my internet connection has been the pits and I hate typing on my mobile for long lengths of time.

Anyway, I guess I need to be more to the point .. lol.

Hugs Slim,

What I want to suggest is a gentle kick in the butt, .. this post particular sounds like you are living your life backwards looking in the rearview mirror instead of looking where you are going. Looking for happiness outside instead of from the inside is a recipe for disaster, it's settling for a life 1/2 lived, I don't know what your situation is however you are what 25, 26? Your best years are not behind you. You have soooo MANY more dating years ahead of you if you so choose. Men have MANY more opportunities and choices than women do. Sorry .. I know .. sounds terribly sexist .. it is what it is.

Don't super glue the pity pot to your butt. It leaves a nasty scar .. trust me I have one, this is years of self pity and it didn't get me anywhere and I spent a LOT of time looking in the rearview mirror.

I DO understand wanting that relationship with someone who is special to me and I am to them .. I don't know what God's plan is for me. Maybe that is part of it .. maybe not so much, .. right now my situation being I'm not divorced .. I have looked to see what is available and OMGosh .. all I can think is SERIOUSLY?!

I'm in my 40's with 2 amazing children under the age of 18. This limits who wants to come in and take on me, the kids and the baggage that comes with .. an absent bio dad who pretty much has created his own depths of living hell by being active in the disease. The men who want to date me are late 40's, 50's and 60's, .. they are either retiring or retired looking to be "spontaneous" .. LOL .. good luck with that raising 2 kids on my own. I haven't considered younger as most men aren't looking for older they are looking to trade up by that age. (I know, .. bitter much? LOL .. I just mean that's been my experience .. it's nothing personal it just is what I've experienced). Now I could get stuck in the whole I'm never going to meet anyone, I'm never going to have another relationship .. maybe I won't .. maybe it will be my choice because I'm just way to hurt.

It doesn't mean I opt out of life, living and fun. If I want plans when the kids aren't here .. I make plans .. even if it's just with ME. I do groups and enjoy going out with girlfriends who share my interests. I actually want to find a gay guy who likes to dance and I can take lessons as there would be no weirdness in terms of just being able to hang out with a nice guy and nothing more while dancing the night away. I swear this is on my list this year to do just that .. there is a big new years dance every year I want to attend this year and I want to knock it out of the park on the dance floor.

Anyway, .. point is .. you are to young to sound so old and resigned to how crappy life is, how you are never going to meet anyone, seriously and I mean this is a REALLY nice way .. no, with that attitude you aren't going to meet anyone .. that screams baggage from here to the moon. That all involves self work, and working the steps, sponsor, reading and being open minded to suggestions .. maybe that's not what you were trying to express and I certainly never mean to be hard or critical it's more .. come on .. nice guys don't finish last .. knowing how to man up (or woman up as the case may be) and be the man God intended you to be which is not the one crying in the preverbal beer. Honestly .. that is a relationship killer from the get go. No more than if I go out on a date and dump way to much information (TMI) and talk about how crappy my ex is, what an alcoholic he is and so on, how he doesn't pay .. I mean I think or hope you get the point of what I'm trying to say, if I dwell on the negative in my life .. who is going to want to be with me, vs letting someone get to know me and showing them .. yes .. this part sucks .. I'm more than just this part.

There are things I like about being single .. I will date myself and there is a Barbara Mandrell song about eating crackers in bed .. LOL .. I love that song it's been eons since I've heard it. I like not sharing the remote. I like doing my own thing. I like knowing it's ME mowing the lawn. I like knowing I can ask for help. I like knowing that I have friends and family who care about ME and want to know how I'm doing. I like it when the kids are gone and if I want to get dressed on Saturday I can .. or I wear my PJ's to the open AA meeting and everyone laughs ... my response .. hey I'm here and I'm on time what more do you want .. showers cost extra! :P I like so many things.

I miss the smell of a man .. not the funky sweaty smell, the aftershave smell. I cleaned my car and my little booger got an air freshener that smells like aftershave .. THAT was a throw back. I miss having that soft place to fall and share my feelings, .. OHHH wait a min .. someone else's relationship not mine .. LOL. I want that in my next relationship. I want a man who can man up .. be there for me, let me be there for him and us share on a deep level and I miss SEX!! I'm not going to lie about that one! I want my children to see what a healthy relationship is like .. I also know .. right this second I can't show them what that is .. I don't know what it is.

So in the mean time .. I'm going to keep going to meetings, I'm going to keep an open mind, and I'm going to get frigging divorced!! I'm also going to NOT stop living just because for one moment in time my feelings are telling me something that is only true for a moment .. this too shall pass.

BIG hugs .. keep coming back, P :)

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Pushka wrote:

Anyway, .. point is .. you are to young to sound so old and resigned to how crappy life is,

I know right! lol ! I am 29 and I feel/sound like I am 59. I feel much older than I am because I've always had to be much older than I am.

What is scaring me is the fact that when I look around me it seems a lot of the people in my circle are becoming mirrors of their parents. They do so proudly. I don't know if they are consciously doing it, but they fall into the same careers, same type of relationships, same income level. I have no one to look-up to. no one positive to mirror. For both my parents, things did not turn out ok. They crashed and burned and continue to crash.

My father has never had a successful romantic relationship. He is a drunk that sits at home by himself. No hope......sound familiar? Who do I turn to? Where is my re-assurance. How do I know what is normal? How do I know what is right? If you visit the White House, do they let you walk around by yourself? No. They give you a guide. My whole life I have been my own guide. And I've had to open all the doors without anyone telling me what's in them.

Who taught me how to date? Taught me what a normal life is? Who showed me there was more to life than working a dead-end job and you have no options? Noone.

There are a lot of meetings in my area that have a lot of men in their 40's-50's that are single. They spend all their time coming to meetings and when they share they put on a brave face but you can tell they are very lonely men. I don't want to be that guy. Seems like it's headed that way.....Is that a life? That doesn't sound fun. That sounds like my life now. I deserve better. Granted, I think I am judging these guys as I don't know about their social lives.

As stated earlier I am tired of doing this alone.

I want to believe that things will turn out ok. I just don't have anything that shows me that.

I guess the fellowship will always be there. But this is getting routine. The same meetings, the same people sharing.

I am stuck and out of answers.

thank you for listening

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Slogan Jim: Okay - now - I get it. You think you'll turn out like your Dad has turned out? Your Dad's life isn't over. You don't know how its going to turn out yet. One day at a time, Step 3 and Step 11, then do the next right thing. I'm 64. In some ways, I'm like my Mom and like my Dad. I'm also different. I'm not their clone. I made different choices than they made based on my own understandings and circumstances. In some ways, my life was harder than theirs. In other ways, more fulfilling, satisfying and miraculous. Neither were drinkers and both took very good care of themselves. Yet - my Mom died of cancer. My Dad has Alzheimers. Maybe I'll die of cancer. Maybe I'll die with Alzheimers. Don't know. Doesn't matter. All I have to count on is today. Today I am in good health. Have a work to do. House. Friends. Car. Exactly the right amount of money I need for today. Al Anon. Sound mind. Come back to today, SP, and live it to the best of your ability with the guidance of your HP. There are no predictors that are ever absolute for our futures and no horrors of our past that define us if we're willing to work our program, do our best and accept that the results are in our HP's hands.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thank Guys,

That's what's it. You guys want to hear something freaky that happened before I left the house to do groceries? I was in the shower and saw I had a voicemail. it was my dad and he was clearly slurring his words. This was the text conversation that preceded:

Me: We're not going to dinner tonight if you are drunk.

Him: OK not drunk do not like the way you say that

Me: Sorry that's how you feel

Me: I have to do my groceries, I will see you later tonight.

Him: Do not take me to dinner will go my self like I have done all my life smile smile smile

Him: Feel like I am forcing u and ur sister to take me out forget it.

I then let my sister know I wasn't coming tonight.

Lol !! Man see where I am getting it from? i don't want to be like him any more. I hate that pity party attitude and here I am coming on here and displaying the exact same thing, just without the booze.

In so many ways I am not like my dad. in so many others I am. it was eerie how this came up literally as I am battling this.

HP at work smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

God love you my friend .. I hear you big time .. I also get not knowing what to do.

I grew up in a home where a penis was far more valued than a va-jay-jay .. I did the same dang thing in this marriage and my first, please fill in the relationships in the middle .. UGH. I'm going to vomit and be back .. GAK!! I don't mean that I hate men because .. I do not .. I love men .. very much so .. it's hard to grow up feeling unvalued and unloved because I wasn't a specific sex at birth and these people chose to adopt me.

I think that's a part of maturity is not knowing what you are doing and doing it anyway to the best of my ability and seeing where I fall down and seeing where I excel. The best way I can do that is look at how other people who have successful relationships communicate and treat each other. You want to know how to date .. buy the book "Dating for Dummies" those awful titled books that have step by step instructions on what to do. I actually love the series because at least it's common sense stuff.

So what .. you didn't have a model .. do you know how many parentless children there are out there right now and father's are HUGE .. I mean father's are VERY important. I didn't have that either .. my dad was completely absent and he never taught me that I was valued .. sometimes those lessons are the ones we have to teach ourselves. There is no manual on how to love yourself .. you just kind of have to learn on the go. There are some GREAT ideas and good thoughts on the subject .. I've mentioned Louise Hays on here before LOVE her and positive affirmations. My children are going to have similar challenges, .. I'm looking into getting my son involved in the big brothers program .. it is a travesty how long the waiting list is .. it is disheartening. You want to be around kids and give something back .. that's a wonderful program. You want to learn about being different than your dad .. invest into someone else. I mean give of yourself without the expectation of receiving in return .. the St Francis prayer and that book mark Just for Today .. OMgosh LOVE LOVE LOVE that book mark and have really taken it to heart.

Just because your dad is who he is .. it doesn't mean YOU have to be that person too. You have a right to be whomever you create .. you gotta love yourself first though. I'm saying "you" .. I'm talking to me too .. LOL! I don't have to be my mother and value one sex over another. I just need to learn to value me. I also don't have to be like my dad who I just have no relationship to speak of with .. that's ok .. it just is what it is. He totally doesn't value women .. ugh.

Something about dating a little off track here .. for a LONG time simple kindness confused me and it still does and I have to be aware of that part of the deal .. someone would be nice and I thought OMGosh they LIKE me!? The reality is yes, they liked me because they are nice people who like other people. I am a nice person too. Well .. when I'm not duking it out in court and then I'm not so nice .. lol. I am soooo starved for simple kindness that I had a therapist say to me .. P .. I am concerned you are going to get someone who is a little nice to you and think that is the end all be all of what a "good" relationship is .. I think that's kind of what happened in this last relationship .. I never made him work for anything in terms of he was a little nice and OMGosh .. I scarfed it up and was like OMGosh .. he LOVES me and look how NICE he is .. then he went back to making no effort at all. That's not ok for either party to do that in a relationship. It hurts and it's not fun.

You just get to be YOU .. that's all anyone expects .. yes .. you had a crappy role model .. you aren't 3, 5, 10, or 15 .. you are an adult and YOU get to choose who you are .. you are a little late getting started .. that's OK. It's better than being in your 40's and just figuring this stuff out .. so think what a rock star you are going to be as you get older and more mature .. you are in those years of just figuring it out .. and that's not an easy place to be standing on the outside looking in .. no one else can fix that except YOU!!

It sounds like you need to do something different .. take a left turn and figure out what you like to do that is something you can be passionate about, .. maybe it's alanon and meetings and maybe it's something totally different while sticking to your meetings .. more importantly .. are you working with a sponsor and are you working your steps??

Hugs P :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

wink Keep it to pull it out the next time you're feeling blue so you can remember what you learned about yourself, friend. You achieved this today. You deserve to remember it. And, you're very welcome, SJ. It's a delight to watch you grow. (Only, change the SP to SJ. Geez. smile Sorry)

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 1st of July 2013 07:42:41 AM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((SJIM))) Loved the shift that wouldn't have happened if you hadn't chosen to keep dialoguing with us even when you probably didn't like everything said! Bet you feel a whole lot better now? And I'm glad you're staying home if you don't want to be around him when he's drunk. You get to choose. He gets to choose. See how easy it all is? Hope you have a peaceful night.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thank You everyone.

For those still reading hahaha;

I just came back from a swim and a coffee with a friend. I feel a lot better.

I want to look at some positive things in my life.

-Education and job in the field I chose. I am continuing to educate myself and grow my skills. I am able to support myself and put some money away.

-I have friends who love me and make time for me. This includes Al-Anon. My home group and all the members of the fellowship. I have spoken and told my story at conferences, al-anon days and rehab houses. I have been commended for my speaking skills and many have said I've helped them gain a perspective on what their kids are going through.

-I am healthy and able bodied.

-I am blessed I have my own apartment and I can go somewhere peaceful.

-I have access to a message board where I can vent my self-pity smile .

Sometimes it's funny that all you need is a friend. Thank You for being out there in the online world and I pray that together we can get through this.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you ever been to a website called: meetup.com You can join and put in your city and state and see if there are any groups that might meet your fancy. I finally joined and then joined a group call North Valley Lady Friends over 50. I hope to meet up with them soon and maybe find some new girlfriends.

You can't believe how many different groups there are out there to meet people and do things together.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, SP: You've hit your sweet spot - that place in you that is healthy and alive. It took work. It took help. It took rigorous honesty. And look at you now! And your Dad is probably still drinking. See??? You don't need him to get well for you to be well. He didn't show you how to do any of this. You chose to learn it. Applaud your effort. Give thanks to your HP. And - have a grand evening, too, if its just one with you in it enjoying your favorite hobby.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

grateful2be wrote:
Wow, SP: You've hit your sweet spot - that place in you that is healthy and alive. It took work. It took help. It took rigorous honesty. And look at you now! And your Dad is probably still drinking. See??? You don't need him to get well for you to be well. He didn't show you how to do any of this. You chose to learn it. Applaud your effort. Give thanks to your HP. And - have a grand evening, too, if its just one with you in it enjoying your favorite hobby.

Thanks grateful2be,

That was nice.

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