When do you know it's time to move on - Al-Anon Family Group

wings of a dove · Newbie

When do you know it's time to move on

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe the time to move on is now. It's advised that before making big decisions, we get familiar with Al-Anon and the tools it has to offer, because those will help us get perspective, choose for the best, and go about our choices in the best way. One thing that happened when I first began to find my relationship with an alcoholic intolerable is that I would keep deciding to leave, but then I'd go back on my decision. I had too much fear and unsteadiness to know how to live life more calmly. So it was a roller-coaster no matter what I decided. With some recovery under my belt, I was in a much better place to make calm decisions.

Have you found a face-to-face meeting? They say to try 6 because they're all different. And read all the threads here on these boards, get the literature, work the program, and keep coming back. Many people here are testimony to the fact that things can change so much for the better.

linnday · Newbie

This morning I started to feel like this member. I'm starting to ask myself when should I move on. I've dating and living my boyfriend for 7 months. He drinks whiskey every night and his excuse is "I have to do it, to cope." Since I felt bad for his situation, I let it go. He also says, "I'm Irish, it's in our blood." I try to tell him his behavior changes when he drinks. He becomes emotional, then angry, and the next morning an ugly hangover. Sometimes I feel so alone because I dont want to talk to my family and friends. I'm trying to get into counseling to help us through this difficult time. But, I feel like this member, I wish I could just fly away.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear friends: Welcome to MIP. There are no easy answers to living with the disease of alcoholism or fast fixes, but there is hope and help in Al-Anon. Your HP(s) have/is probably guided you here to help you learn more about this subject and ways to deal with it that help you heal. There are probably face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area. We have on-line meetings and a chat room. And there is Conference Approved Literature to help you, too. Keep coming back. You're in the right place.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Grateful, when I am in a "bad situation" that is time when I back off....take care of me...get into my program, do my inventory and ask myself "what is the pay off or trade off as to why I am in this sucky relationship" is it financial fear??? is it fear of loneliness??? is it "comfortable" b/c that is all I have known all my life (my situation---fear and comfort zone) and when i go back to my family of origin work, doing my inner child/fam.of origin work, I usually discover pretty quickly as to the origins of my staying in something that does not nourish me or bless me or help me grow but takes me down...

bad relationships are a indication that I don't yet love me enough to say "hey...I am deserving of waaay better than this" and doing something about it even if it means detaching and unhooking from them and doing my own thing, living my own life...

I am alone now and its tough sometimes, but its a hell of a lot better than being with a drunk who treats me like I am the root of his life problems...

I have learned to take me out (limited do to finances) and have fun by myself....I am back into working my program b/c I feel I have stagnated...Life is so dull for me right now , yes, it is nice not to have disasters in teh form of humans or misfortunes like plumbing problems or car problems...I am gr8ful for the "disaster free period" that I am in, but I also feel like I am not living, jut existing.....so its back to working my program...back to taking care of me (my mind and emotions as well as my body) and practicing the things I learned in the program

We are in our spots to teach us something...when se figure out what the message is, then we can come up w/what to do about it

I know when I let myself be treated bad (had a sister I kept 4giving only for her to deliberately trigger me and push my buttons when she KNOWS I have ptsd) I separated from her permanently b/c she is NOT a blessing to my growth...she is not encouraging...she is not a person i can go to in time of need....she is 100% a negative....so why did i keep giving her chance after chance and let her back in my life??? She is a "dry drunk" acts all the parts....sober for 30 years, but no recovery......she is still being like our abusive, toxic parents....I have risen above that by facing all the pain and anger and outrage of my past and working through it......so why did I keepletting her back???? probably b/c I "wanted us to be family" well what I WANT and what IS are 2 very different situations....so out of denial I came...saw it for it was.....made the decision to separate from this toxic person and I have not looked back

when I an in any bad situation, i really look deep inside of me and ascertain what "payoff" do I think I am getting, staying in this terrible state of affairs...when I can discover the "inner child need" that puts me there, I can work through it and change my persepctive.

good luck and hope future has brighter prospects......if a dating or live in situation is that bad, imagine what being married to the guy would be like......they get worse...trust me...I lived w/husb. #1 and it was worse when we tied the knot....I should have bailed BEFORE but I did not......lesson learned

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

ooops I see first poster IS married....Sorry for the oversight.....and yes, I lived with and married my first Ex and it was awful...finances kept me from leaving sooner, but where there is a will there is a way...some time I will tell you how I fenagled and connived to get out of that abusive situation and into my own, quiet, drunk free home.......it was hard, but the will is a very powerful thing...if I really wants something I focus on it...see it as completed in my head (once I make decision of what I want/need) andI see it over and over as completed...and my "best within me" usually comes up with a solution

When I first got into recovery 11-12 years ago, I didn't do anythng major until I was in really intense alanon meets, literature, sponsor work, the works....for at least a year...for me?? as messed up as I was I swore off any major stuff for TWO years.....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

When you don't have to ask, that is when you know. It does come believe me. When one is really tired of being beat up, they start making plans and goals to go to a better life.

It helps to be active in your own recovery. Also in your own decisions on how you want to proceed. How much income do I have? Do I want a house, apt., share, move in with friends or other loved ones for awhile?

going to a womens group for abuse is vital for you. Being an abuser as he is has nothing to do with him being an addict.

You have every right to say NO MORE! You have every right to make arrangements with someone that when he begins his bolony to go out the door and head to their home. Keep key to car, some cash, your meds whatever you NEED somewhere outside or at a neighbors. Pets stuff if you have a pet or pets. then if you gotta get out quick, you can.

I had a door put in my bedroom that went out!

Maybe ask yourself, what makes me put up with this? What do I really want? What do I really want to do? The fantasy of flying away is a fantasy and not any help. Have you been beat up enough or not?

I have seen people on here for years leave and end up ever so much happier. I sure know I am. How DARE he talk to me like he used to! We gotta protect ourselves and say HEY do not treat me like that! We are precious people, we are blessed with life, so I believe we need to teach others that enough is enough, or I am taking my sweet bum outa here!

Believe me NO ONE will talk bolony to me anymore. NO ONE. I am still a nice person who loves hard too.

Hugs, glad you wrote, so what are you going to do?

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

WOW...I wold read and re-read what Debilyn says.....She has a great plan

I never thought of the door in bedroom going OUT

but yea, when U dont' have to ask then you are ok where you are....When I ??? stuff its b/c something is not right...within me or a relationship, or whatever

and yea, abuse is a personality disorder in my opinion that has NADA to do w/drinking....My 2nd X was a drunk, too but unlike my first, he would NEVER put a hand on me...I was safe with him...he just drank...finally i marked a date on the calendar and said "we get into recovery on THIS date, or u have to go" He did not want help so sadly, i let him go...but abuse??? that is NON negotiable....any kind of abuse and I am outta here....and when it gets physical, it escalates to bigger extent....Any abuser usually it starts with ugly words, and control and insults, etc., then it ramps up to physical....not good....I won't take that from anyone...I don't have to...Its bad enough I am Coda from all the alkies in my life messing up my head, but abuse???? Nope...if i am so scared I hae to make a bedroom door that goes out, its TIME...but I love Debilyn's idea of keeping key to car, extra cash and meds, pets needs outside of house...also a cache of clothes and hygeine products isn't too bad an idea either like if U were going away for a week...what would you take???? make a list and cache it somewhere.....

good luck, its tough, but where there is a will there has to be a way

giraffe13 · Senior Member

God, I have asked myself that question so many times. And gone back on my decision. I just got tired of it all like Debilyn said, and I eventually started making plans for a better life for me. little things did it.. and i became slightly more independent and happier.. but still find myself in the last two months of making that change wondering if I should leave /bc now I just don't have it in me to argue anymore, and i see the craziness in him just going in circles and never ending.

I have gotten to this point now, where he will threaten me to break up, but seem so nice like he is trying to "discuss it with me" and I just say, " ok. " (? blank, sitting there, waiting. sound of crickets..) THen he starts crying. And I just say, "Ok well I have to go, its late and I am tired. Or , I have an appointment in 20 min and I am late!"

I just cant be bullied, I'm disgusted. That is progress at least for me.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.