I changed my cell phone number yesterday. That has been the main means of communication from my AH. I had told him earlier that if he even pulls in the parking lot of my apartment, I will call the police and so far he has honored that so I usually get phone calls from him. He recently went through his 3rd hospitalization/detox and after 3 weeks of enjoying the brief time with the husband and father that my sons and I remember, he is drinking again. Our sons witnessed the seizures this time and are struggling with the reality that their parents are going to divorce and that their dad is most likely going to die or be a burden for them in the future. They are 26 and 24 and are pretty independent but have been leaning on me heavily during this time. Our oldest son just recently went through a breakup with his girlfriend and is sad and lonely on top of all of this with his dad. He called me Wednesday night and said that he wasn't going to do it but he felt like he wanted to just take a bunch of pills and go to sleep and never wake up. I advised him to increase his anti depressants and anti anxiety medications and contact his doctor first thing in the morning. When we hung up, I didn't feel like he was in imminent danger but definitely needed to seek help. I alternate between feeling like I'm doing pretty well to feeling like I'm hanging by a thread. During this phone call, I was back to hanging by a thread and told my son that I had heard and seen all I could stand and I was turning off my phone and wanted everyone to leave me alone for a while. I hung up and just cried and had a tantrum. I am so tired of being strong.  I called my AH to demand that he get his head out of his a** and his mouth off the bottle long enough to go and check on his son. He didn't  answer so I went over to the house and found him wasted and trying to hide the bottle from me. I blew up! I started throwing everything I could get my hands on, pushing him, and told him to just go blow his brains out and save us all the time and trouble of watching him kill himself so slowly. After I left, he spent the next 20 minutes calling me and leaving me nasty messages instead of going to check on our son. In the meantime, he calls the other son thinking that he was the one with the problem so now that son is scared to death and thinking that his brother is suicidal. He tells his dad to go over and check on his brother. He finally does and there is no answer at his door or on his phone although his car is at home. My son calls and tells me that and then I do freak out. I call 911 and head over. I am just distraught thinking that if he has hurt himself because he felt like he couldn't lean on me anymore because I can't handle it, I would never forgive myself. It took about 20 minutes for them to get the door open and I was just sitting on the front porch with my mom, head in my hands and crying. My AH walks by and told me this was all my fault and he hopes my affair was worth all the trouble it has caused. (I NEVER had an affair!!!) I am always amazed that I can still be surprised at the depths of hatred and cold heartedness that an alcoholic possesses. At a time like that when he can see I am in agony, he can twist the knife and be more concerned with what was done to him (in his sick imagination) and not what is happening to his son. In the meantime, our youngest son shows up. He immediately and brilliantly decided to check the ex girlfriend's house. Within minutes, I see them both coming up the street. Omg! I can't even explain the relief that washed over me. We are all three just standing there crying and hugging while the AH stands there by himself. I had totally ignored him the whole time not even bothering to dignify his insults with an answer. Our youngest son who is so tender hearted starting pushing his dad and told him to get out of there, that he has done nothing but tear us apart and my mom started in defending me against the accusations he was spouting out again. I got my son and my mom in their cars and out of there before things could escalate any further. My sons and I went back to my apartment and talked. We have been to hell in the past three years and things are just getting worse. I don't know what my sons will decide but for me, I decided that my contact with him in any way is OVER.