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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My Mom died
Post Info TOPIC: My Mom died
kitty


~*Service Worker*~

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My Mom died
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oh my gosh, I am so sorry for your tragic family loss lluucy.  In al-anon we learn to put the focus back onto us, how to cope and what we can change and control in our lives.  Right now, your entire family is grieving and folks to that in different ways and at different rates.  Take time out for YOU and take all of the time you need.  

You already know how it is ~ we give in to the A's in our lives and consequences get more and more out of control.  Everyone has free will.  The truth is if you run to rescue them - we lose us.  We resent them for "making us" help them and then they resent us for meddling/attempting to help.  We aren't perfect either ~ in fact, perfection is an ideal that is not only utterly subjective- it does not even exist.  

Learning to focus on us is very hard bc we so don't want to be "selfish" like the A's are.  Focusing on what you can do and control and change is healthy- detaching from the rest is healthy.  I would look around at healthier people and they weren't all upset and freaked out trying to rescue others.  They were living a balanced life and had boundaries with appropriate consequences for their own behavior.  Think of it as self-preservation.  

Our lives are not a judgment.  Our lives are merely a consequence of the choices we make.  Try to separate your bro from this disease.  That helps - when you can identify when the disease is talking - bc it is mean, and it is designed to hook your pity, fear or guilt.  It is okay to love our family without having to approve of their choices.  Their choices are none of our business anyway.  

You have to take your time in sorting out what your own wants, needs, fantasies, dreams, wishes and whims are.  I was told my needs are non-negotiable and my wants are irrelevant.  It helps to actually write them all down, too.

As adults we do not owe anything to another adult.  We owe everything to ourselves, especially if we have children.  They will emulate our behavior.  The healthier you are for you, the healthier of a mother you can be to parent your child.  Do the best you can, take all of the time that you need.  If you need some space, take it.  I know, I sure did and it helped me.

I hope you keep coming back, this program does work when we work it, so work it YOU are worth it!  Glad you found us!  Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.  Know you are no longer alone with this.  (Also, I PM (private messaged) a short note). 



-- Edited by kitty on Friday 28th of June 2013 02:45:11 PM

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lluucy


Newbie

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I'm new.

My Mom passed away a few weeks ago.  She always enabled my brother's drinking problem and gave him money.  Since her death, my brother is spiraling downward but I don't think I (or anyone else in the family) can help him.  My brother has drank for the last 20 years.  My adolescent years were a mess living with him.  He lost several jobs, his license, went to jail, went through recovery, got a job again and is at risk of losing it all again.  He keeps calling me asking for money, telling me he's starving but every time he calls, he's drunk.  I'm 11 years younger.  I recently married, pregnant with a toddler.  My dad is 73 and grieving the loss of my mom.  My mom is dead because my brother pushed her over in a drunken rage and broke her hip and she never got medical attention (to protect him) and her pelvis became badly infected.

I want to cut him out of my life.  I tried to.  However we all came together and acted civil when my mom died.  My brother makes me feel bad for the life I have and feels he's entitled to a hand out, even though my husband and I are working hard to support our family.  I also spent my savings on my mom's funeral expenses because she had no life insurance.  He's unappreciative and feels like his problems and his grieving are more important than the rest of us.

Anyway... I need someone to help me not feel guilty for cutting him out of my life and I'm thinking therapy is long overdue.  I feel bad he has drank himself into this position, but I can't help him.  He was over 400 pounds and got gastric bypass and lost 200.  He's had a new chance at life but he chooses to drink it away. 

I appreciate any words of advice or similar stories. 



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nal


Senior Member

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I'm so sorry for your loss.  Be gentle with yourself.



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nal
grateful2be


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What a lot to deal with in your life.  Al-Anon can help you deal with all the feelings that you are experiencing to include the anger and maybe feeling guilty because you feel anger towards your brother?  We have this message board, on-line meetings and there probably are local face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area to attend.  Guilt is what keeps us hanging into this painful disease in many ways.  Others who are wiser than I will respond to you, but until then, I want you to know you are in the right place.  There is help for you and there is hope for your family.  



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Green Eyes


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The 3 C's regarding alcoholism: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Keep the focus on you - and give your brother to his Higher Power. I hope that you can get to some local face to face meetings soon so that you can get the support that you need right now.



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Ms S


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I am so sorry to hear about your Mom's death and the difficult circumstances around it

It sounds like you're doing some important thinking. Al anon can support you in this. Do keep coming back here and attend face to face meetings for even more support

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Hoot Nanny


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lluucy: I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes it takes what it takes for an alcoholic to get sober & appreciate life. I agree w/ Green Eyes.
Kathleen

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Hoot Nanny
Debilyn


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oh Lucy that is horrible! Hey she is gone now, can no longer protect him. I would call the authorities and tell them what he did! He should NOT get away with his behavior!!! What if he hurts you or dad or someone else. He has crossed the line now and got away with it. I doubt there is any statute of limitations on this.

Plus he would be out of your hair, be fed, and taken care of in prison. Your poor dear mother. that is horrible!

Lying for the A is NEVER  a good idea. This is the ultimate in sick co dependancy.

I encourage you to protect yourself and call the police or sheriff dept!

We here are happy to support you thru it. Or if you choose not to, we still will support you.l am so glad u found us. I hope you stay. love,debilyn



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canadianguy


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Hi... welcome to MIP, and very sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom.  As the others have said - your brother is an adult (even if he doesn't act like one), and is responsible for his choices, as well as the consequences of those behaviors.  Giving an active alcoholic a freebie handout (particularly cash) is insulating them from feeling the complete consequences of their decisions, and not doing them one bit of good.

You're definitely on the right track here.... Al-Anon can help, as can the guidance of some great books, i.e. "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.

 

Hope you keep coming back

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
hotrod


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Dear Lucy 

Welcome

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Please follow the suggestions of others and search out an alonon meetings and atttend

There is hope and help

 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Jerry F


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(((((lluucy)))))...I'm sad with you about the loss of your Mom...It sucks that she was taken by the fatal nature of the disease of alcoholism.  It isn't fatal only to the drinker...there are those victims that also die as a result.  It's okay to give up the feelings of guilt as you have already been given the 3cees of Al-Anon.  You are not the cause of this disease in your life.  Let go of the fear.  You are not responsible for your brother, his addictive drinking and all of the negative consequences which have happened as a result.  It is okay to cut him loose....and even tell him....so that he can have the dignity of his choices what ever they are.  Turn him over to his and your Higher Power and with your husband go on with your life.

Alcoholics are very self centered and always grasping for attention...accept it and go on with your life.  He has every opportunity to make his life into a success story as anyone else.  If he wonders why that isn't happening tell him to stop drinking first and get into recovery and then redo  his life.  It really is okay to let him go; without anger, without shame, without resentments without grief.

Keep coming back.  Let us know how the Al-Anon meeting went for you.   smile



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neshema2


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QUOTE.....Anyway... I need someone to help me not feel guilty for cutting him out of my life and I'm thinking therapy is long overdue.  I feel bad he has drank himself into this position, but I can't help him.  He was over 400 pounds and got gastric bypass and lost 200.  He's had a new chance at life but he chooses to drink it away. 

I appreciate any words of advice or similar stories. 

 

Oh BLESS YOUR HEART ...I am so sorry for your loss AND the  alkie brother....When I am pondering something or my daughter (oldest one who treats me like a mom)  asks me something I tell her   "Sweetie, what would you tell YOUR child if they asked YOU this ???"  and she usually comes up with the right thing

So...What if your toddler was an adult and told you this story...What would you say to your child???  keep holding his/her hand over the same flame who keeps burning you or let it go

I have a brother , too, who is a drain on me BIG time, or WAS a drain on me....I had to let him GO...the other brother, I don't help him money wise, I love the other one , he is sweet to me, just an A...the younger A  Brother is very selfish and insensitive and not good to be around and always needy....I had to cut the younger one out....Had to...Or he would keep draining me...

My FIRST duty is to myself...How can I be a mom or a friend or a sister/cousin to the ones who CAN benefit from my support if I am being sucked dry by this youngest brother who is a psychic vampire to me??? 

Its hard...people say to me  "oh you can't...he is your brother"  and I say  "oh yes, I can b/c I need me"....DNA is so overrated in my books...People think b/c it is a bio. relative or a husb. or wife. you GOTTA keep letting them drain you.......NOT!!!!!!  That is my assessment...Would I let a stranger do this to me??? Of course not!!!  But "oh its my brother"   So what????  IF a person is a curse more then a blessing, I owe it to me and my recovery to take care of me and help/support the ones who WANT to better themselves and who are not a drain b/c they want to help themselves, just need a bit of a boost..

it made me sad to read about your mom and why she passed..OMG..Really was sad, but please know that you were a GOOD daughter to her and I am sure you are a GR8 mom..Your baby needs you and your husb. need you to be healthy enough to be there for them...This A brother needs to reap his own karma, his own lessons and when we enable these drinkers and users, we rob them of the hard lessons they otherwise would learn and maybe benefit from...

I am gonna let my younger brother fall in his own stuff....Not gonna help him, not going to lift a finger for him...If he falls hard enough, maybe he will learn, maybe he wont'............It  AINT my problem....

Please take care ((((HUGS))))



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neshema2


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WOW!! I just read a post from "kitty" on here....Awesome post, Kitty...I totally concur with what you soo beautifully said.....

 



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nancymom4


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Oh my gosh I am so sorry your Momma passed away. I have been thru that and it is hard. Even with out the other situation. You are not responsible for your brothers life. I know it's one thing to hear that and another to feel and live like that. You are adults now. It's time for him to understand that. There are many adult children who are not even alcoholics who don't understand that. That is until their parents are gone and then what a big shock! Don't let him suck the life out of you or money. Keep the detaching with love attitude when you have any contact with him. You know an I'm sorry but I guess you are going to have to figure this problem out on your own because I can't help you with this one. And then turn your thoughts back to your own families daily activites. Take of yourself friend. Especially right now. Hugs and prayers to you.

Nancy



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Nancy
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