The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Feeling trapped is a symptom of our disease as it tries to fool us into believing there are no options, no choices, no way out, no help, no hope, gotta live with it, put up with it, etc. Al-Anon is your way out. You do have options. You do have choices. There is hope. There is help. There is a way through to new life for you and for your kids whether or not he decides he needs to get help. Good that you are here and are receiving the gift of wisdom from the posters above. Keep coming back and finding help at local Al-Anon groups in your area. The more recovery work you do, the more freedom you'll experience from the effects of this disease. (PS Those who don't think pot is a drug either have never used it or use it and are in denial. My husband never thought it was a big deal even though he stopped going to work regularly, became more and more apathetic and later paranoid, and may have suffered an early heart attack because marijuanna - according to some research - can make the heart brittle. He lost two wives over it and his strange behavior, smoked it with his son, and used harder drugs, too. He had nothing saved or anything worth keeping when he died. Pot IS a drug AND it can wreak havoc on our lives.)
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 27th of June 2013 04:14:46 PM
My husband has been sober 17 years until last week. He went to a concert with a friend. I suspected his friend was a pot smoker the night he left. Later I found on the computer topics googled that looked like he was trying to figure out how to pass a drug test after smoking pot. So I confronted him. I asked if he had smoke pot with with his friend the other night. He said maybe. So we talked about it some.I asked him why he would do this after 17 years of sobriety? He said I dunno. I am very angry. Also I truly had trusted him. He very rarely goes out with friends. I wanted him to go and do things with others. This was a Dave Matthews concert the friend had won tickets to. So my question is now what do I do? I last had delt with the drinking by an ultimatum of him moving out until he goes to counseling. He moved out at first. Then went thru a program of rehab outpatient treatment. IThis was all 17 years ago. Then he moved back in. He never really attended AA meetings. Said he didn't need it. He did try counseling a couple of times. Because as you know the drinking just numbed his feelings about how he delt with life and then he was the unmasked person who still needed help. So now I have only told 2 freinds. My best friend says don't make too big of a deal about it it was only pot. I don't feel that way. I was told when we went thru the counseling that any other drug is still just a transfer drug. So never do other drugs instead thinking its ok. Because it's not. So am I to treat this as if he is now gone off the wagon or he is still sober? People just don't seem to think pot is a drug. Because we don't do it now but did do it pot isn't so bad. I don't smoke it but I did back in the day. But I still feel it's wrong. My husband thinks it should be legalized. When he had talked about pot recntly he said it wasn't as bad as alcohol. I now am a stay at home Mom. I have had health issues. So I no longer have the income to live on my own. I feel more trapped than ever with this situation. Help!
I hear you and understand your confusion and concern A drug is a drug and to an alcoholic that can be a trigger We who live with the disease of addiction understand a few other can We too asked the same questions, tried desperately to "Help" our addicted family member and became lost in the process.
I urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend Check the white pages for the main number and call. In alanon I learned that I was powerless over others and that the best I could do for myself and my family was to become healthy myself. Attending meetings, connecting with others, learning new ideas and new tools opened up a world of choices I could not see before.
I agree with Betty -- a drug is a drug...and alcohol already is legal! However, if someone is really working his/her recovery, then he or she will steer clear of anything that alters their consciousness...because they are NOT like other people who can use recreationally, and not get addicted.
I'm so sorry...this happened to me after about 15 years of my A not drinking...my A started with occasional pot...then went to NA beer...then to "I can drink and handle it" then all hell broke loose...well things never got better. Not saying this is gonna happen to you...but As are more at risk for this path than other folks...
Do what you need to do to take care of you...for now...understand that you have suffered a real loss...the loss of trust. It hurts...but you will get to the other side...
You don't have to make any decisions now...try to just take care of yourself one day at a time....
and if you haven't read Melodie Beatties work or Toby RIce Drew Getting them Sober...these books were very helpful to me.
I believe pot is a drug! So many alcoholics have sobriety from alcohol but think they can smoke pot. I know only from my experience w/ others. 17 years of sobriety & losing it stinks! I am so sorry for you but I know that you can deal w/ it!
I am so sorry you are going through this...my exAH smoked pot too...always said pot was not his problem (alc. was) but when he went to work drunk they drug tested him-he tested positive for THC and he was forced to resign and 30 year career with the same company. Had he just been drunk they would have kept him in his job, and paid for rehab...but he worked in a zero tolerance envvironment...and pot is illegal ...so much for pot not being his problem.
I urge you to get to AlAnon....anything that alters their personality is TROUBLE...
Whether he feels it is "okay" or not is not a reliable sign because of course active addicts always say they're okay. One danger I would think about, in your situation, is that if he thinks it's okay and it should be legalized and all that, that sounds as if he thinks it's okay to keep on doing it. And if he has an addictive personality, it's not going to stay infrequent.
The "good" news about this is that if it's going to be a problem, it will become apparent. Addicts can't hide their compulsions for long.
But even being in a worrying situation doesn't have to be okay. I mean you don't need to wait to see whether he's going to spiral downhill, to feel unsettled and worried. Because the fact that he's started this is enough of a problem. You shouldn't have to feel worried that the future may bring bad news. You are already justified in feeling that this situation is not okay by you.
Going to Al-Anon will help sort out thinking and give you tools to be going forward with. If it comes to separating, I hope you will get a good lawyer who can help you with your options. There is no reason, if I understand your situation correctly, that he should not pay alimony and you should not be supported. I'm not saying that you will end up splitting up. Just that you do have options and are free to do what's best for you -- whatever that looks like.
Just wanted to say 'welcome' and let you know you are not alone. My AH was dry for 15 years before picking up a drink again. He started with NA beer and then mixing regular beer with it. Then he moved to hard alcohol where I'd find half drunk bottles hidden around the house. Then he got a DUI and he quit drinking the hard stuff but still drinks his beer. And, he's still gotten into trouble with it just being beer, too, LOL.
As Bettina said, try living one day at a time. Today is all we have and staying focused in TODAY helps me release my fears and worries and the 'proverbial other shoe dropping' syndrome I always succumbed to. For today, how are you? What are you doing for you? Keep coming back and I hope you find an open Al Anon meeting near you so you can get some in real life support. I find meetings to be invaluable to my recovery and coping skills. You've gotten great advice today so I just wanted to add that I will send you some virtual hugs tonight!
i have learned through my own program of recovery to trust the voice within. I no longer have to ask anyone the answers are to things that are already obvious.
but I had to do my own work and go to meetings myself.
my ppersonal choice is to have a relationship with an alcoholic if they are not only going to meetings for quite some time steadily but also had been through the 12 steps and did their own work too.
however I know people in Alanon who choose to stay with an active or dry alcoholic.
again I had to do my own 12 steps to find what was best for me. There were no quick answers.
we can also go to AA meetings anytime we want to find out what recovery for the alcoholic looks like.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Friday 28th of June 2013 08:08:39 AM
Aloha Nancy and welcome to the board...Actually its his responsibility alone and not yours...his choice, his consequence. Yes it affects you and the rest of the family however he has to own this. Blowing 17 years of sobriety with a joint is kinda weak. People I know with that kind of sobriety do put themselves in situations where they will drink and use. If he wasn't attending to recovery with others who could support him and had a sponsor to guide him than he was just on hold. Get to some open AA meetings and listen to the men and women who "work" the program. I agree about the suggestion of you attending Al-Anon in your area...the hot line number is in the white pages of your telephone book close by. Call it and find out where and when we meet in your town. Keep coming back here to the MIP family and read how others in your situation have handle it...((((hugs))))
I come from both sides of the fence... double winner with 23 years sobriety and 14 years Al-Anon.
Best response I can give to you that comes from my own experience is what you are to do now is NOTHING. Take yourself to some f2f meetings, read your own literature, talk with another Al-Anon... but what you are suppose to do about a relapse your AH had after 17 years of sobriety, is NOTHING. Of course, there is the alternative; you can jump right into the dis-ease with him... forget that you are powerless, let your life become unmanageable, become absolutely insane, let all your own character defects start controlling things, and stop having gratitude for those 17 years, and thereby ultimately make both you and your AH absolutely miserable as he tries to find his way to the other side of this relapse.
He knows what to do, what he needs to do about this. He already feels crappy enough about it. By your own words he is already in FEAR... looking for a way to pass a drug test?
The only thing you might want to do is get yourself to Al-Anon meetings, and "suggest" he might want to start going to AA/NA meetings again, and get a sponsor so he has one person he can start getting honest with about his situation, and then you step back. Turn him and this situation over to the care of God, and don't lose sight of what this disease is based in.... POWERLESSNESS, UNMANAGEABILITY. For both the A and those that love them.
Remember also that this is about Progress, not Perfection. A alcoholic that drank or smoked pot for only a day in 17 years is an absolute miracle, (but still in progress, just like the rest of us). By the nature of this disease, he is still beating the odds. Lastly, remember that while it is a medically recognized disease, it has no medical remedy. It's solution is based in ongoing spiritual development, and he will have to find his own way towards getting back on that path.
If he would like to talk to someone about it, I would gladly make myself available to him by phone and help him get back to a place of serene sanity so he can start making healthier decisions for himself as he goes down this road. Otherwise, you back off, focus on yourself... and let him find his own path back where he knows he belongs. The shame, guilt, self disappointment, fear, etc that he has happening inside him is enough. He can and probably is doing that part of the job very well, and doesn't' need any help from any one else.
Just my two cents worth
John
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Alcoholism/drug addiction until medical science can find a cure for it (if that will ever happen) is a life-long disease - not unlike diabetes. People with diabetes eat a piece of cake, a candy bar, a doughnut and then pay the price of that in whatever way the body reacts. For a very long time, we have judged people with this disease and tried to hide it, bury it, pretend it doesn't exist, lecture it, moralize it, control it or cure it. I was in my 50s when I realized how many people in my own family were heavy drinkers and learned that people on both sides of my family had died of it at early ages, but nobody ever talked about it. Medical science is learning things about receptors in the brain that seek out certain drugs to try to regulate mis-fires in the chemistry of the brain. These are fairly new discoveries and thus far - the only thing that scientists studying this disease has found most effective is talk therapy in established 12 step groups - AA being the oldest and most successful since Bill W. Treatment for alcoholics is almost like aversion therapy as letting them suffer consequences of their own choices seems to help some of them get into recovery in earnest, but they are always susceptible to picking up that first drink/drug, therefore, the ODAT slogan. Without help ourselves, we can be dragged down by our own attitudes that develop in relationship to our own expectations and the way this disease affects us all. Its more how we think about things that hurts us then the alcohol can. Al-Anon helps our thinking, our behaviors, our attitudes, and our overall wellbeing.
Your husband cannot guarantee you that he won't slip or relapse because he has no control over the disease just like a diabetic cannot force his body to regulate insulin normally. As a diabetic must adjust their diet and take proper dosages of meds, all he can do is treat the disease by not picking up that first drink/first drug one day at a time and hopefully enter AA in earnest. Slips can help a problem drinker get back into or enter a program. Not all alcoholics need to hit bottom to go for the help they know they need although several I have known resist getting it. I understand your hurt, but it may be based on thinking he'll never do this again? Truth is - he may do it again or he may not do it again. You can't trust the disease, but you can trust that your husband has it and that you can find help and hope in Al-Anon and I'm glad you're here.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 28th of June 2013 11:57:05 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 28th of June 2013 11:58:57 PM
OMG 17 YEARS...thats sooo sad, but a drug is a drug as others said and drinking is drinking.....It can happen in a heartbeat...a trigger...a temptation.....They are never "cured" just in remission
If this were me, I would be focusing on me, taking care of me, getting into meets or on line or on the boards, bottom line I would not obsess over the "slip" I would start over with ME...1 day at a time, work on me...
I sure hope that he isn't on a spiral and goes back to old ways....Hey , I know I can slide if I am not working my program that does not mean i am going to go down the coda rabbit h ole, it means I just slid...so i get back on my feet, work my program, get my mental and emotional sobriety BACK in my life and go from there
Sure hope U keep coming back and if U have a sponsor, I would be on the phone or emailing her pronto, or on line meets are good, too....I dont' have any al-anon meets near me anymore, too far to drive so I go to chat meets, and I get the same benefits....
working my program keeps me thinking of me and the solution...Not the toxics and their problems..
sending you comforting HUGS...
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks so much everyone for your comforting words. It has been so long since I have heard these kinds of things and the strength that it brings. When my hubby quit drinking and things improved I gradually fell away from my meetings. I did still have the encouraging words from my 2 Al Anon daily reading books. But I have gone thru times of reading each day and then I get busy and don't even take the time of 15 minutes to sit down and read it. The slogans have always been kept in my daily thoughts. Especially to keep things simple and how important is it? To love each and every moment of each day.Taking one day at a time. This helps me much in other areas of my life too. Since I have health issues. (I have Sarcoidosis and Fibromyalgia.) This is good to help me appreciate everyday life. I have loss touch with my sponsor. But always remember her saying life is not like a Hallmark greeting card. It helps me not to exspect perfection from others and myself. It doesn't mean I can't still get off track and head that way again. I used to think if only my floors were cleaner or my children were more perfect then my hubby wouldn't drink. He used to just not come home from work. He just never came home. He left work and went to drink with co-workers. I would ask him why he did this. He would say just get off my a$$. He never really answered. This made me think he just didn't want to come home to me. That he was avoiding me. That it was all me. I guess what really hurts with this relapse is that I trusted him. This thing was the farthest from my mind. That he would ever do this. I feel so stupid. So dumb to have let my guard down. Why didn't I see this coming? After sobriety he always called when he would be late. After the first week when he was late from work. I will never forget he put loving arms around me and said I will never do this to you again. I will always call and let you know. I don't want to scare you like this again. And he has done this. Kept his promise. So I trusted. He never went to bars again. He hasn't just lived like a recluse. He has done Tai Kwon Do. The activites he does are all good things. Learning to play the guitar. He has developed his interests. But he also is an addict. And it seems what ever he does he does to excess. Even if they are good things. I think he hides in these things and avoids relationships with me and he kids. I also feel stupid because I get hurt and then I always forgive and give him another chance. I know it really is a good thing to not hold grudges and be forgiving. But I feel walked on. When I forgive and then get hurt again I think evertime I was so stupid!! I reach out to him and then I get hurt and recoil back to my corner until it is my nature to reach out again. I do try to do somethings for my self. Like learning to crochet recently. I go to the library and get books to read. ( by the way thanks for the book suggestions) I get outside and plant flowers in my pots etc... But I do think it is either not enough or not consistant. Such as exercise or the readings of Al Anon. So room for improvement. I do think you are right my hubby is feeling bad about it. He may feel guilty by looking at the way to pass the drug test. Hmmn... maybe. I do think he may act nasty with me but really be feeling bad about his self. I would think anyone would after 17 years of sobriety. If that person really thinks pot is a drug. I have only told 2 people. My girlfriend and she says whats the big deal? After all we did this in the olden days. Well I don't do this anymore and haven't for years. And I do consider anything that risks you livelihood. and your roof over your childs head a risk not worth taking. And a drug! Since if you did it and then might not pass a drug test! I will also try to get to a meeting here in my town. It is something I need to do for me. I do understand the strength in this. My Dad has alzheimers and I attend minthly caregiver meetings. He is in a nursing home so I do not have the stress of everything this entails but these meetings do help give me a new perspective and are a stress reliever. Thanks again for letting me vent. I am doing nothing for now. I am sure my hubby and I will talk about this again but for now he has avoided looking at me in the eyes and I felt his guilt. It is sad that he will have to start all over in his sobriety. But we are all human aren't we?
Saying "What's the big deal, we all did it" is showing that your friend doesn't understand addiction. Sure, a regular person can smoke pot one time just like a regular person can pick up a drink one time -- with no ill effects. It's different for an addict. It's like saying of someone with a deadly peanut allegery, "Hey, I ate peanut butter sandwiches as a kid, why can't you?" I think what this shows is that your friend doesn't have the experience or depth of wisdom to be a helpful sounding board in this situation.
Maybe this would be the time to find a good Al-Anon meeting. When the going gets tough, the tough need more support. Hugs.
Just want to say thanks again for all help. to have such help come to me. someone you don't really know is amazing. I did go to a Al Anon meeting for the first time in over 17 years last night. Thanks so much for the encouragement to go to a meeting. My sponser who I had lost touch with was there with open arms. I feel better just having gone. Thanks again to all of you! :)
