The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This use to happen when I was at work and I couldnt concentrate or focus.
Only thing I was focusing on was the alcoholic husband.
I would write down what I was feeling. Then I would write this over and over until I felt better, "It's not life or death, at least your breathing" it would make me see how I was blowing everything out of proportion. If I open my Alanon ODAT book, I can see it still written in my book, from that day, many years ago.
I still treasure my little blue book, I would take it to work and read it at lunch and it would calm me down.
"I will not give reality to trouble that may never come".
We must arm ourselves with as much Alanon reading material as possible. It is wisdom we need .
I use to go to an Alanon meeting in the beginning almost every nite, thats how much anxiety I had. It always kept me in the Now.
Keep practicing, it works.
hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 27th of June 2013 06:42:14 PM
I have my days where I just CANT focus, can't stay in the now, can't concentrate, mind going faster then my fingers, etc. it shows in my typing when I reverse letters terribly
it shows when I do something and mess up and its b/c I am NOT thinking, not paying attention, not in the now, not "present" in my body...The old thinking from the neck up.....not grounded
I am sooo aggravated and frustrated with this "defect" as you will, and I was wondering is it the repeated trauma these A's put us through from childhood through adult hood, is it my PTSD?? or is it a common aggravation of folks who have been around too many substance abusers and their mal treating us and I am just "trauma'd out"????
I grew up with this...parents and their violence and evil stuff they did...Married into it TWICE....Have brothers (now down to one b/c I am separating from the one...) and my, dysfunctional daughter....
I wonder if this happens b/c I am not just being w/me and that I am letting too many distractions and worries and outside "junk" get to me and distract me....
Do any of you have problems staying grounded and/or focusing,concentrating, being in the NOW????
Any ESH would be gr8tly appreciated............Thanks
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Aloha N...you just co-wrote my story...Wow!! I don't know if what goes on is because of conditioning from where I was sprouted...Don't know and do know that ADD and PTSD together are prevelant mental/emotional conditions. Dyslexia...that too...Compulsive disorder...yeppers. Am I done for? Not by a long shot "The courage to accept the things I can..." This helps alot along with the programs suggestion of slowing down and taking life one step at a time. That works for me and when I don't do that I clutz like a chicken looking for an invisable june bug. I also have the dropsies where my grip relaxes when it shouldn't and whatever I'm holding of course goes along with gravity...I use to be told I had "soft hands" meaning that I don't hold on to things very tightly or sufficiently and then okay...Me is all I have and all I have to do anything with. "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems".
Seems like it's you and it's me and probably many others. I mean there just can't be two of us...how are we going to laugh at this? Been this way all my life also and also was born and raised within the disease of alcoholism with all of it's weird and wacky, scary and mind chilling events.
Glad to meet you...don't have to ask the question, "Is is it just me, or do some others also do this"? anymore. Keep coming back...I'm in support. ((((hugs))))
this is our disease. We have one too. it's a disease of Confusion, obsession, anxiety, escaping, blaming, criticizing, analyzing, denying, reacting, etc., and much more at times. We can see what the Alcohol (substance) is doing to others or has done and sometimes can't see what it's doing or has done to us. I Hated being in the moment. That's where all my pain was and some days still is. The only time I truly Love being in the moment is when I'm sitting around the tables of the face to face Alanon meetings and listening to others share their experience. In those moments, I find peace and contentment whether the As are using or not .. I hope you get to meetings !! There's the saying, Yesterday's Gone, Tomorrow's not here yet, all we have is the Present. When it comes to meetings, we can also spell this Presant. There are many gifts. We each Share the Common symptoms and problems of the disease. That's why we need each other ..
For me, when I'm going through that although it doesn't happen very often, I'm avoiding feeling my feelings. Instead of pushing harder (when I can remember to do this), I find a place to be just to center myself and settle down for awhile or I read one of my Al-Anon meditation books. This helps me slow down my breathing, my heart rate, my thoughts, feel my feelings and return to my life as it is.
You are describing the experience of dissociation and yes - it is related to trauma and having experienced violence and/or abuse. You are not talking about all out personality splitting but a more common thing which is derealization and depersonalization to an extent. Most of us have those experiences...for example we all tend to tune out when driving longer distances and then go "Whoa...how long was I just driving? Where am I now?" These experiences are on a continuum and are more common when a person has been traumatized.
I certainly identify with this. My experience is that there are millions of adult children walking the earth today and I am fortunate to be one who was led to a solution. God is in the Solutuon, He is the Solution. I have to stay in the Solution with Him.
I have days and moments where I am tired and angry and frustrated and sometimes I self-seek.
But then I remember I have a Solutuon. I like to say, Oh God, Im so sorry I'm trying to do your job! I forgot! You are in charge! Of my life, others lives, and the whole world! Whatever befalls me or us, I know you are available to those who seek! And all I have to do is remember You are running the show and my life. I will abandon myself to You again and put You in front of my own distorted thinking. I will let You be in charge.
Then I literally can visualize placing Him in front of me. A physical mental picture in my mind where I've now stepped to the background.
May you receive all that is available to you today in that space.
I have been feeling very anxious lately I keep writing myself little notes (like Bettina above) that focus on positives I allow myself to write to me from my HP or else I write little prayers to my HP to be relieved of the anxiety of the moment
sometimes when I've been feeling incredibly anxious and unwell I have written a long letter or card and then posted it to myself as an afirmation I just allow myself to write all the positive things I can think of as if a loving friend was with me (or my HP) and I sign it 'love HP'
There was one in my bag from weeks ago that never got posted. I opened it yesterday and it read ' Dear Ms S, you're doing so well and I want you to know that whatever you decide that's alright with me. Love HP x'
I find this helps at the time and later when I re-read them
You are describing the experience of dissociation and yes - it is related to trauma and having experienced violence and/or abuse. You are not talking about all out personality splitting but a more common thing which is derealization and depersonalization to an extent. Most of us have those experiences...for example we all tend to tune out when driving longer distances and then go "Whoa...how long was I just driving? Where am I now?" These experiences are on a continuum and are more common when a person has been traumatized.
U know, my therapist, when I could afford one said something like this...dissociative, "going away" But I do it even when I am by myself or something....Must be ingrained b/c I have my "days" where I am just awful and others are not so bad...I guess old thoughts sit in the back of my mind, and I am "tuning out" for some reason...and yes, I had trauma aplenty growing up and marrying into it......Thanks for this really informative post
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I have been feeling very anxious lately I keep writing myself little notes (like Bettina above) that focus on positives
hope you feel better soon
Oh I will just put one foot in front of the other , I guess...That is neat about the little notes...I just wish I had trust in HP like a lot of you guys do..I mean I do know there is a Creator ..My hangup is the invalidation that HP is really involved in my life..Like I feel for the most part that I am on my own, save for the wonderful people in recovery with me and my close loved ones who love and support and encourage me.....Thanks....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I know you are available to those who seek! And all I have to do is remember You are running the show and my life. I will abandon myself to You again and put You in front of my own distorted thinking. I will let You be in charge.
Then I literally can visualize placing Him in front of me. A physical mental picture in my mind where I've now stepped to the background.
May you receive all that is available to you today in that space.
This is my hardest challenge.....trusting in anything/anyone divine to "let me put my life into their/its/hers/his hands"......This goes waaaay back as a child when I would cry out for help b/c I didn't know if one in my family would get killed from the violence that our parents threw at us all the time.....I don't know when I became unable to trust, but that is my biggest challenge....My HP has been the program and its community...and whatever part of the universe that resides within me....IF there is a HP it has to be WITHIN me, b/c that is all I can see......You all are so lucky that you can still trust something.....It is soo very hard for me...A life time of Broken promises, unanswered prayers, hardship unending,now its financial, lies, dreams shattered has taken its toll on me...I'm not an atheist b/c I do believe something greater than I built this universe that can be very beautiful if you take out man and his ugly deeds towards other living creatures....so yes, I do believe there is a Creator, I just think its a "hands off" Creator....More involved in the spiritual realm rather than the earthly/material realm which, unfortunately I live in, LOL...
Your faith is wonderful...I don't have it, I try to look to that part of creator that is within me..and that is a BIG step forward for me....Thanks so much
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
For me, when I'm going through that although it doesn't happen very often, I'm avoiding feeling my feelings. Instead of pushing harder (when I can remember to do this), I find a place to be just to center myself and settle down for awhile or I read one of my Al-Anon meditation books. This helps me slow down my breathing, my heart rate, my thoughts, feel my feelings and return to my life as it is.
This makes sense...I am avoiding something...Hmmmm, like another wise poster here said "dissociation" makes sense....I got a cd by a meditation instructor who helps you go through the steps of being in my breath b/c I catch myself NOT breathing...and she helps you do stuff w/your body, i.e., walking or moving an arm, or sipping coffee and experiencing the feel of the cup, the smell of the coffee for example.....and yes, I do need to teach me to SETTLE down....SLOW down as one on here said........Thanks for the ESH
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Aloha N...you just co-wrote my story...Wow!! I don't know if what goes on is because of conditioning from where I was sprouted...Don't know and do know that ADD and PTSD together are prevelant mental/emotional conditions. Dyslexia...that too...Compulsive disorder...yeppers. Am I done for? Not by a long shot "The courage to accept the things I can..." This helps alot along with the programs suggestion of slowing down and taking life one step at a time. That works for me and when I don't do that I clutz like a chicken looking for an invisable june bug. I also have the dropsies where my grip relaxes when it shouldn't and whatever I'm holding of course goes along with gravity..Seems like it's you and it's me and probably many others. I mean there just can't be two of us...how are we going to laugh at this? Been this way all my life also and also was born and raised within the disease of alcoholism with all of it's weird and wacky, scary and mind chilling events.Glad to meet you...don't have to ask the question, "Is is it just me, or do some others also do this"? anymore. Keep coming back...I'm in support. ((((hugs))))
OMG....I had to laugh with relief and your post is soo cute....the "dropsys" I forgot about those, LOLOL...I can be standing with something in myhand and it almost feels like something "taps" it out of my hand and it goes to the ground....and I didn't think of ADD being with PTSD , which I know I have PTSD...had a breakdown in 1970 and was diagnosed w/PTSD..wonderful hey??????? but ya know I just have to keep on keeping on and NO there can't be just you and me, LOL...I had to giggle at that one...I am glad to meet you too, LOVE your acceptance theory and the way you can put a humourous spin on this BS that sometimes I wanna just SCREAM....it is the A parents and the A marriages, for sure...and yes, scary and mind chilling....this HAD to have left some bad stuff on me.....and hey!!! I am in support too..............
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
G2B, I just remembered last night that when I was writing my 4th step I would be talking on the phone with someone and I would HAVE to stop talking for a few moments...they would be waiting for me to continue and I would try but I just HAD to stop...it was the strangest thing, like a form of anxiety - I needed to resist continuing using my voice, it was sort of a way to get comfort, a compulsion. U would hold my breath until I thought I would burst, and all of this against my own will.
Sometimes I forget how sick I was and how much the steps healed me. I really did think I had no right to exist. I have worked through so much and only the God I found through AAs Big Book Steps could Heal me, I was too messed up for anything else. I had so much trauma etc.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Saturday 29th of June 2013 05:31:14 AM
A friend of mine who has a doctorate in pastoral care and counseling once taught a workshop that included the fact that women hold their breath often and aren't even aware that they are doing it. According to some schools of thought, when we are "in our heads," we are not living comfortably or fully in our bodies. Paying attention to our breathing (the lack of it especially) and making adjustments with it can help us return to a more peaceful state. The reasons women hold their breath are multifaceted - but one of those reasons is due to our deep belief that we don't have a right to exist. For those of us who have been abused, this reason makes sense. It is not a personal issue as much as it is part of the pain we have carried corporately for generations on a global scale. One of the gifts of Al-Anon for us - as dark as our sharings can sometimes become - is that in allowing ourselves to feel our pain, share it and support each other (women and men both), we are helping to heal the lives of others in ways that we cannot always see or know about as we heal our own. Maybe just consciously breathing is healing in itself? I don't know. But, I do know I've caught myself holding my breath or breathing in a shallow manner. That in itself stops blood flow to the brain and can cause physical symptoms that are uncomfortable and in some cases - alarming.
According to some schools of thought, when we are "in our heads," we are not living comfortably or fully in our bodies. Paying attention to our breathing (the lack of it especially) and making adjustments with it can help us return to a more peaceful state. The reasons women hold their breath are multifaceted - but one of those reasons is due to our deep belief that we don't have a right to exist. For those of us who have been abused, this reason makes sense.. One of the gifts of Al-Anon for us - as dark as our sharings can sometimes become - is that in allowing ourselves to feel our pain, share it and support each other (women and men both), we are helping to heal the lives of others in ways that we cannot always see or know about as we heal our own. Maybe just consciously breathing is healing in itself? I don't know. But, I do know I've caught myself holding my breath or breathing in a shallow manner. That in itself stops blood flow to the brain and can cause physical symptoms that are uncomfortable and in some cases - alarming.
WOW~!!!! when I was little my drunken mom always told me my existence was a curse to her...she hated me b/c my beast of a bio. father would tell me that I was useless and shoudl marry b/c I was incapable of caring for myself he said this AS he visited my bedroom, stinking of his booze and forcing me to "use my hand" on him...Oh I remember how useless he thought I was and you know, reading your post, omg., I must still live in my head, (suspect that I vacate my body a lot) AND I think I don't have the right to exist.......I am still doing that....the anxiety attacks due to the ptsd, the not being grounded...the stop breathing or breathing shallow....omg......what an eye openign post you have blessed me with.....I sure needed to come back here.....I STILL do not love me as I should.....I wonder if I ever will b/c my EX AH used to withold affection and ignore me to "punish" me for something I did wrong in his eyes, so I didn't exist to him....He would sit in his chair, drink his booze, watch tv and I did not exist.....so it went from parents to marriages........omg.....I do hope I can someday realize that I DO have the right to exist....I have really gotten good at boundaries and taking care of MY needs first...I assert myself when not being treated right by setting boundaries or leaving the relationship.....but I still don't quite love me yet....sooo sad but I am glad that I have a place to start.....or shoudl I say RE-visit....and the big thing of late that I did was to separate me from bio family who think I am a waste of space here......Thank you so much
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
hold my breath until I thought I would burst, and all of this against my own will.
Sometimes I forget how sick I was and how much the steps healed me. I really did think I had no right to exist. I have worked through so much and only the God I found through AAs Big Book Steps could Heal me, I was too messed up for anything else. I had so much trauma etc.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Saturday 29th of June 2013 05:31:14 AM
I don't hold my breath till I am ready to pop, but I do catch me NOT breathing....OR if I am it is shallow and it is true, breathing oxygenizes the body and gives much needed oxygen to the brain and organs....the stifle the breath is to stifle the life of the person....I still feel the need to "stifle" me........being w/others in recovery, working my steps...gonna do step 4 again tonight.....I don't see g-d really being involved in my life...I feel this is something I have to do....its like g-d is busy...corporate....working on the spiritual realm rather then the physical realm, but I DO believe there is that part of the divine that is WITHIN me....I must work to re-connect me to my Christ within and just do over and over the steps and inner child stuff so I can SOMEHOW convince me that I DO have the right to exist......reading these great answers to my thread makes me sad that I still am down on me, but b/c I am solution minded...I am GR8ful to be here with you all..........Thank you all so much for your tremendous offerings to me
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Dear sisters: If we did not have the right to exist, we would not exist. We were born for a time just like this. Let us rise up in our strength and in our beauty and give thanks for all that has been accomplished through us and will be accomplished. We are child-birthers, nurses, bakerwomen, chefs, garden tenders, nurturers, writers, healers, poets, admirers, animal tenders, doctors, therapists, accountants, creators, businesswomen, teachers, childcare givers, recyclers, ecologists, historians, traditionalists, pioneers, adventurers and more. We exist because we do and the world is changed because of it. What we do is who we are. We are love as it marches into the trenches to tend the wounded. We are love as it binds up the wounds of children. We are love as we wrestle in the darkness of not knowing. We are love as it educates, protects, creates, encourages, corrects, delights, defends and builds, pickets, explores. We are love in human form. And love calls us all "good." Though evil has tried to destroy us and violence has threatened us. Though we have been feared, misunderstood, rejected, screamed at, avoided, used and abused, we are here today wanting to continue living out our feminine call to be love in human form. Nothing has stopped what is in us. Nothing ever will. We are women born for this time and we are strong in our vulnerability and in our tenacity as we prepare the way for others who come after us. Let us carry flames of faith and trust in life, in goodness, beauty, nobility, character, patience, awe and in the purpose for which we exist: Love
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 29th of June 2013 09:04:31 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 29th of June 2013 09:07:54 PM
Dear sisters: If we did not have the right to exist, we would not exist. We were born for a time just like this. Let us rise up in our strength and in our beauty and give thanks for all that has been accomplished through us and will be accomplished. We are child-birthers, nurses, bakerwomen, chefs, garden tenders, nurturers, writers, healers, poets, admirers, animal tenders, doctors, therapists, accountants, creators, businesswomen, teachers, childcare givers, recyclers, ecologists, historians, traditionalists, pioneers, adventurers and more. We exist because we do and the world is changed because of it. What we do is who we are. We are love as it marches into the trenches to tend the wounded. We are love as it binds up the wounds of children. We are love as we wrestle in the darkness of not knowing. We are love as it educates, protects, creates, encourages, corrects, delights, defends and builds, pickets, explores. We are love in human form. And love calls us all "good." Though evil has tried to destroy us and violence has threatened us. Though we have been feared, misunderstood, rejected, screamed at, avoided, used and abused, we are here today wanting to continue living out our feminine call to be love in human form. Nothing has stopped what is in us. Nothing ever will. We are women born for this time and we are strong in our vulnerability and in our tenacity as we prepare the way for others who come after us. Let us carry flames of faith and trust in life, in goodness, beauty, nobility, character, patience, awe and in the purpose for which we exist: Love
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 29th of June 2013 09:04:31 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 29th of June 2013 09:07:54 PM
Dear Grateful, after reading this awesome post...ALL I know to say is WOW and WOW and more WOW......U R right!!!! every bit of it I so agree with.....Now its convincing my heart of that.....It took those alkie parents and husbands of mine a long time to hurt my mind haphazzardly, but If I really RE-program me concertedly and continuously, with purpose and with a concentrated effort, I do think I can re-learn what I really am...
I get soo aggravated with me when I am not paying attention, not grounded, not in my body, like this eve. I am walking into the restroom and I bang my foot on the dresser that is close to the BR door and I got angry w/me...Again...Not paying attention, however today when swimming I made an effort to feel myself breathing in my nose, out my mouth as I swam my beautiful strokes accross the big pool, i felt the water around me and my limberness in the water......I think, like Debilyn said on a thread of mine, GOALS...so my immediate GOAL is to practice being whole in my body, not just living in my scattered thoughts and racing thoughts.
my typing has all but gone to hell..I reverse letters terrible....so I am going to FORCE me to slow down as another poster told me....to SLOW down...PAY attention....I think that should be my immediate GOAL.....somehow I have gotten worse with this not being present in my own skin,not being grounded, not being able to pay attention.....IF I can do it so well at work??? I can do it off work.......and then, I, too, will for sure love and respect me more and things GOT to get better
Thank you for this POWERFUL share......U have a LOAD of good things to offer this universe and I am glad that I met you and ALL of you sharing with me...Soooooo GLAD I am here....What a great community this is....in two days, I have learned so much and seen so much genuine caring and sharing and encouragment......................HUGS..........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
