The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a while since a post, although I have been coming here and learning a ton from all of you, as always. It seems that if I feel a bit unmoored, or down all I have to do is read a bit on these boards and I recognize myself and feelings immediately, it is empowering for sure.
It's been about 3 weeks since AH has left the house and living in his own apartment. In that time our kids have stayed with him, he has been here many times, dinners with the entire family, and it feels as though a huge weight has been lifted off of both of us. I can't lie--it's exasperating to realize that now that he is out of the house we are gettting along better than ever, like WHY couldn't we figure this out in the 21+ years of marriage?? Also I find myself backsliding from time to time...thinking 'wow it doesn't seem like he is drinking much at all' or noticing that he has a 12pack of beers in his fridge; then I remember that I can let all that go and that's a relief as well.
We made it through a harrowing day at the courthouse in our city--the morning of our scheduled appearance was a time when their is a 'volunteer lawyer' program in our city so there were tons of people there and all the times were delayed all morning; anyway child support was determined and the number is something that AH can manage; if I show his payments for 6 months plus my raise at work, I will be able to refinance our mortgage and take over the payments, incorporating a credit line (taken out to clear some credit card debt of his!) as well.
On the positive side I am carefree and happy when I look at my online banking statements...I am not wondering about where this hundred went, or what that hundred was used for. This is my money, that I am earning and saving, and as per our agreement, when he left he took his monstrous credit card debt with him! On the not-so-positive, nights can be difficult, in spite of the fact that when we were together I was alone many nights, I find that the 'night thoughts' creep in easily--'will I ever meet someone else?'; 'we were college sweethearts, what happened to that soul mate thing?' and even, the worst :'is it possible I have made a mistake?' But I am recognizing that these are the thoughts and feelings that come in when I'm not at my strongest.
I have been encouraged to journal, and as much as I enjoy writing I am definitely avoiding this! I think I am afraid of what might come out of the pen! haha...but I will try; I also have been avoiding church, so for now I read and say prayers daily.
Thank you all not only for the support I have felt on this journey but sharing all of your stories as well. I am not exaggerating when I say that I learn something every single time I come to these boards!
Of course you'll find someone else, but look at it this way. This is a time of transition. You have to go through this and become more of an independent and confident woman and then you will be read to have a relationship with that more mature, confident and emotionally healthy man. God is looking out for you and you NEVER have to settle for a relationship where there is so much pain and confusion. Once I healed more and figured out myself, I started recognizing unhealthy partners faster in dating and then was able to know when I found someone worth investing in. Even now, if things ever went downward like in my past relationship with the ex-A...I would just leave and start over and I know I can do it now. Knowing that goes a long way....Nobody can ever hurt me as bad again but that did not mean I stopped trying to have relationships or find one more suited. I just made better selections. Give yourself time and when you are ready to date: Happy hunting!
Good for you way to take care of you and first things first. I know what u mean about the wondering--I would write out and stash the thought in my God jar or God Can (cuz He can) until it becomes clear that it is time. I heard recently: One day at a time we can have happiness and contentment whether or not there are unresolved aspects of our lives and/or the A's life.
My best to u!
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
Whatever we are at the time, that is what we attract.
I so agree with Pinkchip, now is the transition time . Time to work on ourselves. Give it time and you will attract that great person or you might even find a new creative way to still be with your A husband.
You are doing good right now. Remember, ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Thank you all for your responses; I do need to remember to pay attention to what is happening NOW and not dwell so much on past and future. That's a tough one for me!
I have heard people talk about dealing with things outside of their comfort zone and some of that for me is just the focus on me. I think a lot of us alanoners have spent so much time focused on what our As are doing or not, our lives become very much about other people and/or our reactions to them.
You are doing just fine .. you have the 3 A's going on for you and now all you have to do is make a commitment to what it is you want to accomplish. Keep doing the next right thing .. hugs my friend.
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Mary-I'm very proud of you! I can recall the roller coaster of emotions when I left my 1st addicted husband. It's kind of like mourning a death-some moments aren't so bad and then slam, you are flooded with pain. I think when a marriage ends it is like a death-death of the family you knew and what's coming next you don't know. Once I heard a slogan I liked-years ago-I don't hear it much but I have remembered it: Keep your head over your feet (then you'll be in the moment you have). Lyne
) as well.