The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been 4ever since I have been here..Distractions..Family..Slow work..Backsliding...You name it
I figure the only way to get my serenity back is to get back to work on me..Lately I have been having problems concentrating, staying in my body, focusing on the now and I could go on
I have realized that we "al-anoners" dont' really graduate or recover but we keep our issues in remission by working our program. I am al-anon and ACOA as I have wallowed in drinking parents, ex husbands and also siblings. I departed from the X's, but the siblings its hard.
My dear brother has been on another "80 proof sabbatical" and we are on the phone, talking and hes whining and crying b/c if he does not come up with the 3k rent he is behind in, he could lose his possessions inside the rental unit he has.
I just told him "well who self inflicted this pain on you????" And of course he does not want to hear that
My entire family , I do not even communicate with because they are more toxic then Monsanto's roundup poison, but this one brother I do care about b/c he is a good guy..Just an alkie who will not get into recovery, I do not talk about it with him anymore, and I told him tonight that I have to "put some distance" from him, b/c it is always about him...His problems...His issues...His last minute scrambling to pay his rent b/c he drank up his money...Doesn't ask me how I am doing...Same old same ole...Like going to Home Depot for bread..
I guess this exchange between him and me made me realize that I need to work my program, lower my expectations from a drunk, put distance or shut down relationships that are toxic..Depending on who they are and how badly they upset me, it is time to either shut it down or put some distance between me and them
We have a sister who absolutely hates my insides for some reason..I had asked her when I did my first step 9 and never got any reason as to why she hates me, but nevertheless she does..I know that legally dropping my bio. father's name from me has irked her beyond reason..He was a monster..a serial sex offender on young girls..He was brutal to all of us kids and me and my little cousins he would attempt to rape or at least molest us
So yes, I dumped his name, legally and SHE is sore about it to the point where she finds a way to get an email to me or a text and "jabs" at me about "well you were needy and that is why he attacked you" Oh yes..Aren't ALL children needy??? and what about my 2 cousins??? Were they needy???? Yes, it is MY defect and not his evil..
HOW did I end up with a family like this??? I am soo much happier and better due to getting into recovery..Facing my problems..Doing my inner child, family of origin work, facing adn owning my mistakes and making proper amends even if that amend is only to work on me and change or drop the unwanted behaviours so I don't repeat or re-offend so to speak
Oh I need to get back into the swing of things and work my program..I see old patterns coming back..The racing thoughts, the obsessing over things I cannot control, the fear of being helpless when not in control...
So here I come back..Realizing that I need to steadily work on me and take care of the things that I can and that is ME...
Now I am going to read some posts and see if I can offer anything intelligent, LOL
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome back. Funny how we can get to feeling better and doing better and then not - just like our As? Good that we know where to turn for help - something we didn't always know as kids. Sorry you're dealing with so many people in pain in your family. I don't think any of us want to be estranged from family members, but the disease is what it is and does what it does. Hope to see more of you in the future.
Welcome back. Funny how we can get to feeling better and doing better and then not - just like our As? Good that we know where to turn for help - something we didn't always know as kids. Sorry you're dealing with so many people in pain in your family. I don't think any of us want to be estranged from family members, but the disease is what it is and does what it does. Hope to see more of you in the future.
aww Thanks grateful2be...I like your name :) Oh yes, and on top of this I have a dysfunctional daughter to is passive aggressive at me and that is another story, I have to DETACH DETACH DETACH
I know I can't kick some of them entirely to the curb, well I CAN, but I don't want total separation from a few of them, however, I need to distance myself from the ones who disrupt my serenity...Its like they can stay in an outter circle where , yea, we can chat if they are not abusive (abuse is a deal breaker for me...do it and I am GONE) but daughter dearest with her passive aggression is pushing the Evp. nearly off the table
I can take care of me and keep my distance and still, sorta, have some communication but not where they can "jab" at me and do harm....I hope this made sense..I am exhausted
AND on top of all of this manure, I am losing a GOOD sister to Alzheimers...and SHE is a love..Thank God I only have the one bad one...the other 3 are my dear friends and I am losing one of them...I have been grieving since my niece told me last Sat. that she is going fast...
Thanks for the nice welcome...Cheers :) and it feels good to be back
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Sounds like some good insights and one of those "moments of clarity" that we get after having worked the 12 steps. Good for you! Yeah, you will benefit from maintaining your program and it will be work but it's worth it and so are you.
I too have a very very toxic family. My family were also sexually abusive, mean and didn't appreciate my recovery.
I really grieved for a long long time that I didn't get to have sisters in recovery.
My two sisters choose daily not to deal with the family legacy. I have chosen to deal with it. I can no longer send poison arrows to them about why aren't they doing what I did. For so much of my life I really judged, labeled and resented them. Now I have not had contact with them for a long time I can have compassion for their decision. the issue is that I don't let their decisions control my life.
Certainly not having a family that offered any kind of nuturance has been a huge defecit in my life. To get to al anon I had to go through many an awful relationship to find some semblance of peace. There are moments when I can still fall victim to why me. Why do people do these things to me. When I take a long hard look at them I know that I am expecting the impossible from some very dysfunctional people.
I feel for you in having ptsd. Ptsd has been a constant barrier in my life. Having any kind of a relationship was a real issue in trust and understanding who I was, where I was and what could I expect. I have really struggled.
There are times lately when I have even got to why not me? After all there are so many people in the world who suffer. My argument was that I should be one of them who doesn't suffer who doesn't have to work and who doesn't have to do what I need to. I wanted someone else to do that for me.
Now I see that I have always had to do it all for myself and no one else could ever have done all this recovery work for me.
