The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I posted this month, my son was released from prison recently. I would not let him stay here, haven't given him money, rides, clothes, cleaning supplies, food - nothing that I did before with him. He's attending classes, looking for work, and is tethered as parole requirements dictate and currently working himself out of a hole. He wanted us to attend church together - a first - but due to a legitimate obligation I have on Sundays, I turned him down. There is also a big part of me that doesn't trust the motivation since he doesn't attend AA or NA and doesn't want to go. Says he's doing enough. Of course, I let it all go - his life/his decision - and just enjoyed the normal conversation we had tonight.
I'd love to just totally relax in relationship to him, but can't - been there, done that. But, I am grateful that for this time, this day, I could have a fairly normal - if fairly guarded - conversation with him affirming his progress in working his way out of a hole and learning to live within his means as meager as they are right now. I know that none of what I say to him can affect him one way or another, but I can feel at peace because I could talk with him as a parent in support of her son without needing to employ tough love or having to erect stronger boundaries (and walls when necessary) for a night.
Thanks for helping me stick to my guns several weeks ago when I needed to say "no" to his PO and to him in their request for him to stay with me "just a few days." Of course, my hope is that he'll ask me if we can go to meetings together - him AA and me Al-Anon - one day and maybe we can attend church together some time in the future, too. But for now, phone conversations a few times a week are about all I can do with much integrity or willingness. That saddens me in a lot of ways, but I know the disease is always present and won't trust myself to let him come to my house or into my car until he's demonstrated consistent effort for more than only a few weeks. He does attend classes on alcoholism and drug addiction as a requirement with the State, but I'm not sure how effective they are - he's taken them before. I also believe that to do too much too soon with him given all that has happened in the past may only result in his thinking that everything is A-ok now - she'll put up with anything. Don't know if that's true, but it is what I'm thinking. Anyway - thanks for helping me make it over one big hurdle several weeks ago.
I have a daughter, my younger one, who is so passive aggressive with me in that she thinks she has to "punish" me for imagined wrongs and she will do things like when I come over to pick her up b/c we made plans to go out, I will arrive (we live next door to each other) and she will go hide in the bedroom and have someone tell me "she is napping" FIVE minutes it takes me to get to her house and she pulls this
I don't see any signs of her drinking or drugging, I think she is just dysfunctional..I adopted her as a teen and this behaviour (she is now 31) is really driving me away from her
she only wants me when she needs me..What I do to take care of me is. When she calls, I am nice to her, chatty, but I don't have ANY expectations of her in any way
I take care of me..I do not have any expectations of her keeping her word to me or honoring a plan we make together , in fact I DONT make any plans with her..I have just decided to just live life, work my program and let it go
She is pregnant again, 4th child, and oh yea, I get the calls "Hi mom.yada yada" Oh yea, she is coming close to her time and she needs me...
I will not let harm come to her, I will call my SIL to come home if she goes into labor, I will even drop her off at hospital, but I am done with her and her need to hurt me..I have done enough grieving over her to last me the rest of my life
I have tried to face it with her, ask her whats wrong, why does she have to punish me and for what??? and I even tried just not speaking to her to try and change her....All for nought
Now?? I just go my way..Be nice..Be kind to her, but I don't put me out there for her to stomp on
My oldest daughter is a gem..Polar OP to the one who lives next door..the Older one lives in MD and I am in TX...Oh I miss her b/c she is a total sweetheart
I know I was a good mom to both of those kids..the ONE thing I did not mess up on was being a good mom..I just have to let go that which I cannot control
I can bring them up..Teach them..Train them..Share my screwups with them so they don't do what I have done..Hope for the best, but when they are grown an on their own, its out of my hands
Sounds like you have a good grasp on how to take care of you..
Its tuff being a mom and tuff love, but its the only way that I see
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
The benefit to this program for me - among other things - is knowing that even with my best effort as a Mom - there was a nasty disease afloat in our family and it infected all of us. I carried so much guilt when my son started to show signs of alcoholism/drug addiction and fear when the disease progressed. I had a dream one night that I remembered (something I usually don't do) and awakened in the morning knowing that my son's alcoholism was nothing I had created, caused or "gave him." I hadn't done something wrong. He was sick because he was sick. Since that dream, I started making progress in releasing the guilt and learning how to say "no" to my natural mothering instincts in order to help myself and hopefully him, too.
I so agree with your belief that it is tough being a Mom with a sick kid - especially when the desire to protect them, comfort them, trust them and enjoy them is so strong when you can't indulge the desires with an active user. Much support of you, too, as you take care of yourself in relationship to what is generally the "treasures of our hearts" - our children.
QUOTE knowing that my son's alcoholism was nothing I had created, caused or "gave him." I hadn't done something wrong. He was sick because he was sick. Since that dream, I started making progress in releasing the guilt and learning how to say "no" to my natural mothering instincts in order to help myself and hopefully him, too.
ohh this is soo spot on...I did not make my baby brother ill...I did not make my daughter (dunno what her disease is but she is soo passive aggressive with me, I had to distance myself) but YES..I did not make them sick...I can't control them...I can't cure them.....I can only help ME....and help them IF and I say IF they want to help themselves....I tried to get my daughter into coda but no interest.....i tried to get her into al-anon with me...no interest...I can't help another if they don't want to help themselves....and if I don't take care of me, I am useless to the ones I CAN give encouragement to........thanks for the nice post
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
grateful: I think your intuitions are spot on and your boundaries are absolutely sensible. Knowing what I do know about alcoholism: I would think that, with no program of recovery, he will start to get his stuff back, get a modicum of a life going and then will figure it's okay to casually drink or use and then it will slip back into insanity. I hate to say this...almost like I'm being a Debbie downer or poopooing hopes you might have for him, but it sounds like you have accumulated this same understanding and knowledge of the disease and you have gotten it through a series of difficult experiences with him and other alcoholics. As much as your heart would want to respond one way, you just can't undo what you know.
Supporting you...
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 27th of June 2013 07:43:55 AM
I think my son is white knuckling it more than working a program so I'm just waiting for the boom to drop. It's just a matter of when. I too have the sick and fearful feeling inside so the relationship is not what it should be. I do not show it to him but I know my part in this so I can only work on me to get some peace.
You say guarded......yes I'm on guard all the time...
Good job my friend....
((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I got off the phone with my son a few minutes ago. He is furious with my A spouse and has been taking a break because she is so sick and she hurt him. That is all true. She is very sick and she did really hurt him. She joined O.A., one of her many addictions, and I can't say if she'll allow help or not. But with my son's "break", he is hurting me/us. And he has his own addiction that he is not dealing with. I feel very sad and shed a few tears. I'm trying the 3 C's, didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it, Lyne
