The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In alanon we do not give advise . We do have a great deal of literature that offers great suggestions on how to live life on life's terms. The "Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage" is a powerful read as is"When I got Busy I got Better".
There is also another book entitled "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew. This is not an alanon book, does not give advise on getting anyone sober but does offer great tools to deal with the disease
There is help and hope
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 26th of June 2013 04:56:26 PM
Can somebody advice on what should a wife do when the AH was drinking for a few days, missed work, household responsibilities, wasted a lot of money. Do we ignore it, do we talk about it, do we act mad or happy. I feel very angry now, but not sure what would be the right approach. Should i just ignore what happened and continue with my life?
If it were me, I'd say what I wanted to say - once - expect no response I want to hear and find a face to face Al-Anon meeting near my home. I'd also stay on this board, go to on-line meetings, and see who is in the chat room, too. I'd also continue on with my life and NOT put it on hold for him, separate my finances from his if at all possible, eat well, sleep well and exercise. You have a right to feel angry and scared and use those feelings as a way to get the help you need to take good care of yourself.
Naturally you are angry and upset. His behavior is irresponsible and unsettling. Remember this is a progressive disease over which we are powerless. Telling him how you feel will not change his behavior . It will however enable you to be honest about how you feel. I have found that when I can say how I feel without blaming someone else it is better to do so.. One of my destructive tools of dealing with alcoholism was to deny my reality and feelings and pretend all was well. Owning my sadness and fear gave me the courage to seek recovery for my own issues.
If you were attending alanon meetings you could call an alanon member and vent or call your sponsor This is another powerful reason for connecting with alanon.
Thanks a lot! This is really helpful. Though I am not sure what to tell him, talk about boudaries, i have none at this point. Offer treatment or couseling and i dont know where to seek for that either, i feel like he has to do it.
Which doctor would he have to go to? In the beginig of this year he did a detailed blood screening and found zero issues, everything was within the norm, so he thinks he is ok.
I will definatly go to AlAnon, for some reason i have been delaying it, but will start with online first.
Thank you Betty!! I know i have to work on myself. But i am still trying to blame him for everything and still waiting for him to do something, which i understand is wrong. He may never do anything.
How do we set boundaries? Like money, or drinking at home, or missing work, etc.. Do we talk aout that in AlAnon meetings or is there a book i can read?
I have decided to live my life...Lower my expectations of people whom I know are not responsible , not reliable, live my own life, etc.
When I was married to my AH, I first fought him, tried, pleaded, you know the old song and dance
Well he drove me into al-anon..He was a blessing b/c I drew a mark on the calendar and told him "by this date we get into recovery or we spit" He refused..We split and I ended up in al-anon..
I went to meetings galore, boards posting and sharing, got a sponsor, on line meetings, working the steps,
Even now, with no AH's in my life I still have Alkies in my midst or at least dry drunks or otherwise dysfunctional people most of whom I kicked to the curb b/c my serenity comes first, however some, like my dysfunctional daughter I still have , sorta, in my life, but I live for Me...take care of ME...get on line to meets....there are no more al-anon meets in my near vicinity so I am gonna go online, be here...just take care of me w/NO expectations from the alkies and the dysfunctionals in my life...I love my daughter and my brother, but I don't really "like" them..its like "ok, I want SOME communication with them, but I am keeping my distance, maintaining my boundaries, and most of all living for me"
confronting him is useless...Confronting ME about "what I need to do to take care of me" is the thing I CAN do and MUST do to keep my serenity
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I totally agree that confronting wont help at all. I need to start with my own recovery, which is kind of hard to me, because i am so used to blame AH for everything., but i know that needs to be done.
What i dont know is that how to continue living together. I am not in a position to leave right now, we have small kids and I am 6 months pregnant. I know that talking wont resolve anything, and also ignoring what happened is not a good idea. At the same time i dont want to punish him everyday for what happened, talk to him "down". And I cant talk to him "up" knowing that while sober he does nothing to fix the problem.
Venera, his alcoholism and how it affects you is such a large and difficult thing. There's no 1 right answer or a few answers for you OR him. I would start out by getting the literature suggested and starting to go to alanon meetings. It will slowly get better and you will get tools for coping, insights, and the ability to just know what to do and how to respond. If I said "Just act this way..." right now it would not help you. The answer is to go to alanon and change from the inside out. Nothing you say or do will change him so it doesn't matter how you act in that regard. Alanon will shift your focus on how to act so as to bring YOU serenity and peace regardless of what he does.
To thine own self be true. Don't compromise yourself for him or his disease. I would never apologize for calling him out on unacceptable behavior but I am not you (I read your other post). I don't like bullies and he sounds like a bullying drunk to me. I also don't walk in your shoes though and change takes time so get to a meeting and start reading the literature and consider that a great start!
Pinkchip, thanks! I actually ordered three books which should come tomorrow and i cant wait to learn from them. I am really struggeling to go to AA since my mom is visiting, so i only have evenings to spend together with her and kids. Plus she doesnt know about our problem and i would have to find excuses as to where i go in the evening pregnant)), so i will probably start from online mtg.
I know i need to change from inside out and what i say wont change anything. But i am really struggeling now not to confront the AH. He is finally at work, he called from there, so i know he is not lying. He also texted that he will go home at lunch. And all that is going thru my mind now is to what should i say, how to act, when will he call me... I dont know how to calm down, this is really hard. From reading this forum i see that it is common and that i just need to fix myself and change my thinking. It is just so hard!)) There sre so many people that were able to overcome all this, it is amazing. That means it is possiblle, i just wish there was a pill i could take to feel better and calm now))
Venera: I know you think your Mom doesn't know about your problem, but with alcoholism - there is no way she CAN't know - especially living in your home with you given what you're saying he's doing. Maybe she doesn't know what you know, but she can see there are major problems afoot. As a Mom myself, there are all sorts of things I know about my kids that I might not talk about with them depending on the situation at hand, but I see a lot they think they're hiding from me. If there's been alcoholism in your birth family, she's been affected by it, too, and knows the signs. If so - maybe you can both go to Al-Anon together. Your Mom might be considerate enough of you that she doesn't want to open a door of dialogue with you until you show signs of being ready to talk with her about it. I wouldn't tell my family that my husband was abusing me - until way after we were divorced - because I didn't want my Dad to react in relationship to my husband in an explosive way. In the end, I had to tell my parents (because a friend of mine was going to do it for me) and my Dad probably saved my life once he knew because I was still being abused and had no way that I knew of to defend myself against my exAH. There weren't the kinds of laws or understanding of Domestic Violence when I was married as there are today. Of course, you know the situation much better than I do and you'll handle it in the way you see best for you and for your family, so take what you like of what I'm sharing here and leave the rest.
Is there a "right" thing to do I don't know. I know when I am around an alcoholic who is out of control I get very uncomfortable. I have to own how uncomfortable I feel. Then I have to look at what can this person "hear". Most of the time it isn't much. Then I generally look within my resources to who can I speak to honestly about this. I have people in my life these days who I can speak to about that kind of an issue. I think the right thing to do is always about me. Whenever I am looking to "fix" someone I am in a very delicate space. I cannot "fix" anyone. I can try to "fix" myself and that's a big undertaking.
I have found it is really essential to get how ill an alcoholic is. I think on so many levels as a codependent I think I can make a difference in their life and most of the time I cannot. Every day on so many levels I am reminded just how destructive this disease is. As someone who is much wiser than me says...that disease wants people dead. That is the natural course of alcoholism, death.
On many levels I have to look at how powerless I am over that situation and then look to what can I do to empower myself rather than to empower them. Sometimes the empowerment for me is to detach. Sometimes it is to make a gesture towards them. Most of the time it is to acknowledge what I am really dealing with rather than what I think I can control.
Like Betty I would highly recommend the book Getting them Sober. That book helped me tremendously.
My mom doesn't live with us) She lives in another town and only visits once a year. But i am sure she would have know if she lived with us or colse by. I told her though that he dirnks on Saturdays sometimes, and she was conserned, she just doesnt know the extend of it.
Orchidlover, thank you for your post. I ordered the book and should get it today, i am so excited t read it. I agree with what you wrote, and I understand the concept, but i dont know how to start working on myself, i always find excuses, never went to AA meeting. Now the AH is sober and everything is back to normal, we may talk today about things, he said he will talk to the priest if he comes to our house, he will read the forum, etc.. but nothing really commited. He is going on a trip tomorrow for a week with another A, so I am sure what they will be up to, though he may do less since he just got enough in his system this week.
I am more concerned about me now, i know when he is drinking i feel frastruated, sad, mad, etc and i am willing to do anything to get out of this feeling, start ready forum, books, etc But once the time goes and AH stops drinking, i again feel comfortble and dont want to do anything and find no time. Is that something common? Not sure how to keep going, definatly reading books for now, praying and attending online mtgs.
Yes, Venera. It is common for some of us to get complacent. We're like the other side of the coin of alcoholism - just without the alcohol. ODAT is the way to keep going until it becomes second nature to stay with it. I do have to say that I reached a point of no return in recovery. It's like recovery work kept opening my eyes to just how deeply ingrained our culture is with drugs and alcohol and reactions to it. Dishonesty abounds. Television is filled with ways to look better, be better, feel better, perform better, sleep better and act sexier with drugs and alcohol. The only thing that has seemed most honest, helpful and tangible that doesn't cost me an arm and a leg, has no "experts," isn't trying to sell itself on TV and billboards utilizing models in bikinis, and doesn't tell me I need a drug or a drink, be wealthy, obedient or sexy to be accepted, approved or loved is Al-Anon. Until there's something better in my lifetime, I've become a lifer.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 29th of June 2013 12:34:28 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 29th of June 2013 12:34:46 AM
but does offer great tools to deal with the disease