im back,and need esh please - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

im back,and need esh please

silent · Veteran Member

hi,its me again chinup,silent 2 nics ive used in the past been a way long time since ive been here,well im needing esh on getting married to my a which he has quit drinking 5 mths ago and is doing great we get along fine,but im not thinking im thinking with a full deck of cards right now,im just sooo tired of us living together in sin but im also been way scared to marry him he hasn't had another seizure in a long time well several mths,he has no support network but me really with his staying dry,he don't believe in support meetings,i really could use some good esh here,before I make a bad mistake in marrying him,any esh will be so welcomed here marrieage if for time and eternity to me and I sure don't want to get married just to end in divorce.Thanks for allowing me to ramble on.he has been soo good to me and soo different from what I knew him before when he was using,also I have a lot to give in this where he has nothing to lose cause he has nothing so he has all to gain......chinup/silent

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like a big risk. 5 months is not a long time sober at all.

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Silent,

The fact that you are having doubts about marrying him or not should tell you something. Listen to yourself and pray about it. You know the answer.

Keep coming back.

Mandy

silent · Veteran Member

thanks,i really really needed those answers from you

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I ignored my feelings of "this isn't right" the night before I got married. Afraid of telling my Mom who'd made dresses, cake tops, held showers for me - I went ahead and married him anyway. Immature reasoning. My Mom would have been thrilled. She would have been mad, but she would have been thrilled. I would have had to pay her back, but I wouldn't have been cleaning up his vomit (drinking) on our wedding night or being hit in the head two days after we were married. TRUST YOUR GUT!!!!

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm doing it now...ignoring red flags...because I want what "could" be SO much. I've done it before...ignoring that inner voice that knows it's not cool somehow...my brain overriding my heart..telling it "it will be okay"

Someone posted here, from ALANON literature that we tend to make mountains into molehills...that is also true.

and like Iyanla says...if someone shows you who they are...believe him.

all best

RP

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Super support from the other posts! I agree. If in doubt, don't.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Sit and think about those words: ( if in doubt don't ) great words. I apply this to my son every single day. This is your life you have to think about. Living in sin isn't as bad as living a lifetime of misery. A marriage should be based on love. commitment and trust not on should I or shouldn't I.

Take care and keep coming back.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:
Sounds like a big risk. 5 months is not a long time sober at all.

I soooo agree with this.....If it were me???? He would have to be in ACTIVE recovery, sober for FIVE years minimum

As for me, really, at this stage in my life, I am done with substance abusers.....I'll take an "al-anoner" or a "coda" or an "acoa" no worries, but a substance abuser???? NEVER AGAIN!!!!!

JUST saying.......

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you are back. Staying sober without a formal program of recovery ... well, it's like trying to fly an airplane without ever having taken any lessons. It goes okay for a while -- but then...

If you are worried about living in sin, there are more possible solutions to that than getting married when his sobriety and longterm emotional health is so uncertain. (And I agree, I myself would not marry an alcoholic without 5 years of them working a good program. Even so, their chance of relapse is always going to be much higher than that of a non-alcoholic.) Anyway, I am sure that your HP would not want you to tie yourself to a man who is bad for you, who has an unaddressed addiction waiting in the wings. There could be the option of stopping living together. If this is difficult, it might be time to look into the problem we all face -- that we are often addicted to the person. But two addictions (theirs to alcohol, ours to them) do not come out to make a healthy relationship. Marriage doesn't solve either of those problems.

Take very good care of yourself.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear One a divorce may not be the worst thing that will happen. Remember relapse is part of beging an addict. Also if they continue to use, it breaks them down and the disease gets worse and worse.

For me just knowing their disease will make me sick is enough for me to never marry or have an A be anything more than a friend. Which to me is very precious too!

A's are not the same as non A's and visa versa. I find A's to be very attractive people. I really do. I remember them younger as being the most fun, always willing to go do things and take risks. I found them to be more assertive if they were guys. Sadly as an A gets older things can change so very badly.

As much as I loved my AH or ex, if I could go back, I would not have married him. Its not cuz of him at all, its the disease. It took away all I worked for all my life. I am in the situation I am in now so many years later becuz of his actions from being A. My son is also in a lot the same situation as I from him marrying an A. He had no idea she was. She was lying from the day they got married, put him in debt on the honeymoon! He is still digging out years later.

I hate to sound negative as you must love him. I do get the living in sin too. That can be very hard on you feeling guilty. But you are right, if you follow the Bible marriage is forever, however if one commits adultery the other spouse if free to remarry if they choose. The only other way is death of a spouse. You can get a divorce for abuse, neglect etc. but not be eligible for remarriage. Again that is a choice, it's all between you and the creator!

So very sorry you are where you are. There are options. We can get strong in Al Anon and accept them as is, and go to meetings etc. so we can do our best to make a good marriage. But remember it takes two and they are very, very sick.

right, five months is nothing. I mean it is wonderful, however if he does not have a plan of recovery, or goals he wants to make, things he would like to grow in, he may be white knuckling. I don't believe staying dry is recovery. Remember drinking is not the most important thing for an A as far as sobriety! It is also a symptom of the disease. That old thing of taking the nuts out of a fruitcake only makes it a fruitcake.

There are sooo many dynamics to being an A. You are very, very wise to be hesitant and concerned. Also do you want kids? Do you want kids to be affected by his disease? As no matter what, they will be.

Keep coming. This does not mean you cannot see him or need to break up. If you feel guilty about the intimacy that can be controlled. Though I know it would be difficult, believe me. Sending you and your A love, debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.