The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my daughter is home from college. she called me last night hysterical. her alcoholic brother came to her house (drunk of course) and physically assaulted her. apparently the neighbors heard the assault and called the police. daughter did not press charges. she is a mess. upset because she always had a close relationship with her brother. she said "he wigged out"
i am so upset right now. not sure what to do. i know that i probably shouldn't get involved with the situation. but i feel like something should be said.
Alcoholism is such a dreadful disease and I am so very sorry that your daughter was assaulted and frightened. This disease know no bounds. I am glad that the neighbors called the police and understand that your daughter was confused and decided not to press charges. I too have done that.
Since we are powerless over alcohol, I would suggest that you tell your son how you feel and set up a boundary of your own. I also suggest that your daughter check out alanon meetings and possibly get a TRO to protect her from her brother .
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The most important item to remember is that we must take care of ourselves, our sanity and safety.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to your daughter. I'm thinking some very strict boundaries needs to be put in place and all parties informed of the situation.
Please take care of yourself and pray that your son will seek help soon.
In my prayers....
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I have no E/S/H to share, but I do want to encourage you to utilize step 11 given all the particulars of this situation and your first experience of it in relationship to the disease's progression and your children. Your daughter may believe that she caused this behavior on the part of your son in some way - therefore - chooses not to press charges. Perhaps sharing the 3cs with her may help her see the assault in a new way?
Just one of the first very important things I learned in recovery was not to get in the way of my alcoholic/addict and her bottom..."stop being a cushion between her and the concrete" was what I was told and I processed long to learn that. Later on it was more simply distilled into "Allow your alcoholic the DIGNITY OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF HER CHOICES" and so I learned. Having others such as the police be involved were rightful consequences. I was powerless and more power was needed. I was asked "would you allow another person to treat you this way with the same consequences" (actually very little to wake her up) and my answer was an emphatic and angry "NO!!" and then I learned there is no privilege and no justification for violence on any level...mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual, financial...none other either.
For me...had he attempted the assault on me he would be in jail looking for his own solutions out of it. It was his choice to drink and even after he did that he owns the consequences of his actions. To not do that is enabling and enabling allows alcoholism to be progressive.
Just my own ESH. He gets by with this and he hears It's okay for me to do it then and again.
My experience includes professional level work in the fields of addiction and violence alternatives. If nothing changes...nothing changes.
Alcoholism affects everyone it touches and, therefore, is a family disease. Taking care of ourselves can be quite an education- establishing and maintaining boundaries for safety and sanity. For my daughter (a recent college graduate) and myself- it is an education in progress. In the past I had made the decision, for many reasons (fear, feeling sorry for, feeling "loyal", didn't want to "hurt" him, guilt if I didn't do "something", etc), to "rescue" my exAH from the law, but have come to realize that it is in everyone's best interest if I don't intervene between him and his HP. My "help" only contributed to fueling his disease by removing the very things that may have laid a foundation for a potential recovery. Now when confronted with this kind of choice, I grieve sadness and pray for removing any fear, but do not try to change, absorb, block, or minimize his consequences. My daughter has learned from her own experiences and efforts with her AD that it is better to be out of his way.
