The material presented
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It's kind of a strange situation with my daughter. After being separated for 22 yrs, she tracks us down and says she needs us in her life.....OK, but I've been thru many yrs of recovery since she left us at age 10 and learned a lot in that time and if she's ready for us to be her parents then she has to do her part. I'm totally open to being the mother that she needs and wants but I'll not cut her any slack. I won't enable her to continue her distructive live style...if I do, then I'm no better than her biological parents.
That said, I do look forward to building a loving, parental relationship with her. When I adopted her, I made a committment and if allowed, I'll keep that promise, even at this late date, but only in a way that is healthly for both of us.
-- Edited by Path to Serenity on Wednesday 26th of June 2013 12:13:10 AM
-- Edited by Path to Serenity on Wednesday 26th of June 2013 12:13:56 AM
My daughter went to court today on the TRO request against the insane (Ex) BF. He got a lawyer and decided to fight it - why I don't know. Anyway, my son went as a witness and the Judge interviewed everyone in private and decided in favor of a TRO for a full year. The BF started complaining that he still had some personal property at daughter's house & the Judge said ""we aren't here to discuss property so I don't want to hear about that again"". Thankfully the Judge (she) was able to see thru this man's crap and recogized his insanity. He can't be in possession of any guns for a full year. My son decided to spend the night at daughter's house just in case this idiot gets drunk and shows up. Well, of course he will get drunk - sadly, that's a given but at least the daughter & her child won't be alone in the house tonite.
Daughter & I have has some short discussions on her patterns with the men she chooses and hopefully now she will start to take a real look at her own inventory and come to realize that much of her distress is brought on by her own actions & choices....Getting her to look into Al-anon is probably out of the question but when the opportunity presents itself, you can bet I'll be having that discussion with her.
that is WONDERFUL news!! So glad for your family!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
That is one useful tool and it is out in the open for a year. Gratefully the judge was female and usually on a higher level of understanding with the victim though sometimes not. The problem of alcoholism still exists and that clouds memory and thinking while reinforcing the pride and ego to do very self centered things. I hope he got the message deep enough to not breach the order and risk arrest or worse. It's a good tool very worth considering and using when abuse on any level occurs. (((((hugs)))))
What good news! Are you going to be able to take down a portion of your invisible fence now?
H*LL NO... my gut tells me this isn't over yet!!! I considered going to the hearing but I really didn't want to be a part of the soap-opera...just waited for son's updates via phone while protecting my own serenity. If I had been there, I probably would have suggested court ordered AA but then that would have been ''crossing the street'' so I stayed home and stayed out of it.
This idiot BF has been calling/texting friend & relative trying to discredit the daughter...typical behaviour, right? She used his cell phone on numerous occassions so the phone #s are right there for him to call anytime he is in the mood. Luckily, the TRO includes my address so he can't show up on my doorstep..if he does, his arse will be in jail in a heartbeat.
I posted a thread some time ago about my daughter. I adopted her at age 4, a family adoption, and she was diagnosed as an unbonded child (detachment disorder is the title in today's terms) Her bio father & mother, both A/addicts with their own issues, she suffers from abandonment issues and has had a lot of therapy along the way but much more is needed to make her whole.
She fights back against what she sees as people trying to control her but she needs to learn the difference between someone trying to control her and someone trying to help & guide her. Example: a cousin suggested to her that driving 200 miles to party with friends might not be a good idea since she was unemployed at the time and living on her tax return...she was irrate that the cousin was trying to control her when the truth was that the cousin was making a legit suggestion based on her financial situation.
I want to stay on my side of the street but I also don't want to miss an opportunity to share a path to recovery with her when the opportunity arises...if that makes sense.
Oooooooooooh K. I see you are feeling very strongly about keeping that fence up. Smile. I can certainly understand that one. What a lot of strength and good program example you're giving. I'm glad your address is included in that TRO. Your daughter might waver in calling the police, but you wouldn't.
I have a cousin who reacts as she does to any kind of suggestions after he asks for help. He complains that nobody understands his situation and is always "telling him what to do as if he's too stupid to figure things out." Meanwhile he emails the entire family to let us know he's going to be homeless, he's in dire straights, etc. He suffered from a brain tumor at 10 and part of this is due to his surgery, but another part of it - well, who knows. I've learned to just listen because he's going to do what he does although it is frustrating to see things he can do to improve his situation when he asks for help and then listen to him complain because people think he's too stupid to figure things out, doesn't do anything at all, and then sends us another e-mail asking us for help. If he isn't successful in alienating us all by getting angry because folks see ways he can better his situation, he then e-mails everything and anything that maybe unconsciously will be so offensive, we'll stop connecting with him for that reason. Hanging with him is not an easy thing to do. I can't imagine what it might be like for you to stay with your daughter without closing yourself off completely! And yes, it makes perfect sense that you want to stay on your side of the street but not cut yourself off so completely you might miss an opportunity to share a path to recovery with her.
I certainly understand that, too! If it isn't good for you, it won't be good for her either. I do hope you will be able to build the relationship you desire and it sounds as if you've been working on it, too - even if you did have to build that fence. Take care, my friend, calm as you word things, I'm fairly certain that this hasn't been an easy emotional cake walk for you.
Reactive Attachment Disorder is the title in today's terms. Only sharing that in case you wanted to look up more literature or outcomes for it on adults not to be a smart ass.
Sounds like you are doing the best you can and approaching the situation with sound motives and in a well thought out way. She comes with a lot of drama and baggage and of course it's not your fault. It's the system, society, what she was born into, her genetics...all kinds of things you are powerless over. I know this from working with foster kids and their families daily. It is hard to not get wrapped up in the problem/problems and to stay part of the solution but it sounds like you are doing just that.
