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This is my first post, i hope somebody can respond.
Have been married for 9 years, have two girls, and expecting a boy. AH has been drinking since the beginning, which i didn't notice but with the time it started to get worse and worse. He used to just drink on the weekends, but always go to work. It escalated that now he can miss up to 4 days of work. He locks himself in the room for a few days and drinks alone, just watching tv, missing work, not helping with the house, etc. Happens every two months on average. Usually he slows down after these periods and doesnt drink for a few weeks, but this last time after he missed 1 week of work, and still continued to stay late every weekend with different excuses. Last weekend he stayed late, we had guest coming on Sunday and i was getting things in order while he was suffering from drinking. I got really upset, we argued, children heard it and that was it. He basically blamed me for insulting him infront of kids and said he cant live with me anymore, threatened to leave and i said go. And so he did. He found a hotel next to work, but didn't go to work these two days. He is staying drinking and blaming me for everything. I am so tired of this, i have such mixed emotions, i can no longer trust him (he can leave me anytime), i can't see him the same after he left the pregnant wife with kids, and also see that he is just drinking, so he is not even thinking with his head. My mom is visiting us and doesn't know about this problem, kids and she think that he is in a business trip. Btw he is going to another trip with a friend for vacation for a week which will be 100% drinking, so he could have waited if it was about drink. It seems to me that he only thinks of himself first. I work too, i take care of kids, have not had any vacation/days off for 6 months to save the days for maternity leave. He had at least 4 weeks, plus many Fridays off and these two days. I feel tired, i feel like i am doing everything alone, with no support, and i thought it could be different this time, because he really wanted a boy.
He said he is coming back tomorrow if i have a plan how not to yell infront of children and never insult me (although he does that to me a lot), otherwise he will stay longer or find an apartment. Btw his few days cost us like $1k for hotel, drinks, some buys he made in internet, etc. but when he is sober he is counting every dollar, but in the end spends all himself. I feel so hurt from what he did, i told him to come, because i dont want to explain to my mom all that, i don't want to deal with separation exactly now because i am pregnant, i feel sad for kids because they miss him. But i truly don't know what to do, i feel very frustrated inside, and he is just acting happy as i have to deserve him coming home.
I dont even know how to help myself, i feel angry a lot, i have no time for AA and never been there, kind of afraid of it. Dont know how to find a person to talk to, dont know how to help myself feel normal.
Aloha Venera...welcome to the board and glad you have found us. Hope you feel the same later yourself. Alcoholism is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease that affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions...not only of the alcoholic/drinker and also the rest of the family. It is a disease not a moral issue...he isn't a "bad boy"; he's a sick boy and your husband. Learn to expect the alcoholic and not the husband while he is drinking and clarity will come. You are not responsible for his disease...You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you will not cure it. We understand that to be the 3cees of Al-Anon. Al-Anon is the program we work...not AA. AA is the program for alcoholics who know they are powerless over alcoholism and are willing to get help from other recovering alcoholics. As you describe him, your husband is displaying "later stage" alcoholism. If he doesn't stop he has to face more insanity and the possibility of early death. Isolation with continuous drinking puts him at high risk of the chemical taking his life while he is outside of assistance. You have no control over it and you are pregnant. You need to take care of yourself as it sounds like you do not have others standing with you. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look for the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and call to she where and when we get together in your area. See if you can find a live voice of a member to talk to and then talk. Dependant upon how old your children are and how well behaved you might be able to take them into the meeting with you. One of my sponsee/friends brought his children for 3 years while he sat and listened and learned. They are doing very well at the moment. Talk to the person on the phone and go at your first chance. Be afraid or reluctant if you want and go anyway. Keep coming back here for support...we are in support of you. ((((hugs))))
By coming to this board, you have begun helping yourself. What you are describing is the classic symptoms of alcoholism - a progressive disease that affects not only the drinker but everyone in his/her company. You can't change him AND you haven't caused this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What you can do is keep coming to this board, attend face to face meetings in your area, and we have on-line meetings, too. There is help and there is hope for you. Many of us have gone through what you are describing and understand how much this disease hurts us. There will be others who will respond to you who have much more wisdom and experience in this program than I do. That's the beauty of the program. We have many different persons at various stages of recovery - all with gifts of experience, strength and hope to share with you. You are not alone. You are not responsible for his behavior or his drinking. You are stressed and tired and probably at your wits' end. But - this will change as you attend meetings, visit with us, and learn all you can about this disease and how it affects us and how we can counterbalance the effects of it.
I am glad you found us at MIP! It definitely sounds like you belong in al-anon with the rest of us. Try to take care of yourself at this time and if you can check into al-anon local meetings near you. I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Welcome to MIP I too am so glad that you found us and reached out
Since we are powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic it is imperative that we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, and develop new constructive tools to live by . Please take care of yourself and your little family
The suggestions offered by the other MIP members are powerful so please check out the alanon face to face meetings. I would also like to recommend that you , continue coming here to share and try to connect with the on line meetings here that are held 2xs a day.
Thank you for your support! AH didnt go to work today. I called him and he didnt answer his phone. I called the hotel room and he answered suprised, but told me that he will go to work later, around 10 (which i dont believe) and he now doesn't know if he will go home today or stay another night.
I feel like i have no more patience. I called the priest and he recomended to pray for for AH, dont leave yet, just wait and he will come back. I just dont know how to calm down. I feel emotianally drained.
How are we suppose to deal with that? How to not get involved and carry on with the life. What do we do? How do we continue working, how do we continue being good with kids. I just want to cry all the time. And i have no time for that even, i am at work all day, then i come home and i cant cry infront of kids and my mom, by the time we go to sleep i am just so mentally tired.
Venera I so understand your pain and sadness. We who have found alanon have done so after experiencing the pain of living with the disease of alcoholism. We too were lonely and frustrated and thought we did not have the time to try to find a solution that worked for us.
When I finally accepted that alcoholism was a progressive fatal disease over which I was powerless I decided that I had no other choice than to make the time to find a source of recovery for myself.
If you cannot attend Face to Face meetings please check the on line meetings here The schedule is
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps. After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.
