Ok, I'm going to warn everyone right off the bat that this is going to be a "venting" post. I was raised in the church, attended faithfully for years. I've been a Sunday School teacher, sat on committees, even chaired some. I've been involved with the politics of the church, sitting in as "lay delegate to annual conference" and things of that matter. I have also heard people say,"All my life I have been active in the church, and then the church turned on me in my time of need." I couldn't imagine it! I thought surely they must have done SOMETHING to bring that upon themselves (I told myself). That is until recently.

I've been through a lot in my life, bad marriages, divorces, cancer, house fire, and raised my 16 year old daughter mostly by myself. But the church has always been there, always supported me, that is until just lately. Some of you know my story, and some of you don't... so for the benefit for those reading this post that don't... I have been caring for my 90 year old mother who has moderate to late Alzheimer's for going on nine years now. IT has been a rough road, with little to no help, not only from family (I am an only child), but now the church. Some that have been in chat have probably heard me tell of the preacher that I asked to come visit my mom after we had attended his church for about a year. He responded by saying, "That's not my job." What? Not your job? Then who the hell's job is it? I wanted to say. But instead I respectfully said, "I'm sorry, but I respectfully disagree with you." I had been in al-anon for about 20 years at that point, and I knew better than to jump his ass right off the bat.

He responded by telling me that he had tried that when he first came there, but soon found that to visit every person in his church (since it was so large- 1000 parishioners) was not only not possible, but not practical. I agreed that to visit "every person in his church" was not practical, but that to visit the sick and the infirm I believed was his job. He countered this by saying that he visited those in the hospital, but not in the home. I was starting to get a little irate at this point and said, "So my mom has to end up in the hospital before you will see her?" No response. So I tried to switch gears, I told him that we had been thinking about going back to the little country church that I had grown up in. To this he said, "WEll, then maybe that's what you should do." A little put off, I told him that we "preferred" to continue going here, as they had a good youth program for my daughter. He replied that she could still be active in the youth program and attend "church" somewhere else, that was not a problem. I know that I probably should have just left it there and said, "thank you" and walked out, as he obviously was not going to give in. But I didn't. I persisted with the "I don't understand why you won't visit my mom" routine and he finally said, "Well I just think you're being selfish!" Of course this caused me to over-react and I told him that if I was the selfish one, then I didn't want ANY part of this church and stormed out of his office and slammed the door, leaving the church secretary looking at me bewildered as I stomped out of the room.

So at this point we go back to the church of my childhood, a little country church that my great, great grandmother was one of founding members of, and the church that actually started on our farm in a grape arbor revival. We have around 60-70 in attendance on most Sundays and a VERY small youth group. The teen class consisted of my daughter and one other girl, and a boy a year older than her, but they had good solid Bible study teachings so I wasn't worried. Immediately we immerse ourselves back into this church and everything is fine until mom's Alzheimer's gets more pronounced and we aren't able to make it to Church services hardly at all. Then last Labor Day weekend my basement floods and I ask the church if there are any available person's to help us clean it out, that it would be much appreciated. IT is only me and my daughter, again- no family, and one of us has to watch mom. One elderly gentleman in his late 60's early 70's with bad knees comes to help carry things out of the basement and one woman and her husband who are in their 60's bring by a dehumidifier, and that is it! Ok, telling myself that Expectations are premeditated resentments, I graciously accept their help and we tackle the job together. Also a friend of mine comes to help, and his church (which is just down the road from my church, btw) donates $150 to help us with the expenses of buying blowers, disinfectant and other needs we might have during clean-up, as the insurance guys hadn't even got there yet since it was Labor Day.

Ok, fast forward a few months... I'm still struggling emotionally and financially. I call to talk to my pastor at the small country church. I tell him we need help, and that I hate to ask, because the last time that I asked for help, little to no one came. He said, "Let me approach them on your behalf, that might go over better." So I agreed. He told me to prepare a list of requests of things I needed help with. I prepared a list of four things, as I didn't' want to "overwhelm" them with a long list, although I could have made it MUCH longer! LOL The list was as follows:

1. need someone to sit with mom for 2 hours while I drive to city (a 30 minute drive) to shop at PRice Chopper, HyVee or Aldi's once a month, so I can get food cheaper than at the local grocery. (it's too hard with taking mom along)

2. Someone to sit with mom for a couple of hours a week while I teach my 15 year old to drive (or if someone feels brave and wants to take that on, I'll sit with mom!)

3. Someone to sit with mom for a couple of hours a week, so that I can go to a support group (I was thinking of my f2f al-anon, but I told them of an Alzheimer's support group in the same town about 40 minutes away).

4. I was planning on having a garage sale with the "city wide" sale that was coming up in two weeks, could someone help me with watching mom or the sale?

Ok, those were the four things I listed. He presented it to the congregation and they "voted" to contribute anonymously by hiring a caregiver to come 2-4 hours a week. I was like that works. So we set about setting up a time and arrangement for this caregiver. Caroline and I start off on a bad foot, as we have some communication problems at first due to her cell phone having bad service and I thought she just didn't show up one day. Then once we got things ironed out, she decided she had too much to do, so wanted to hire someone else to work in her place, I said that this was ok, as long as it was ok with the church. So after about a month (me still doing all this on my own with no help), we finally get things in place for "Sandy" to come and sit with mom. Sandy worked out real well, and one day after a couple of times sitting with mom, I tell her once mom's VA Aid & Attendance gets approved I would like to keep her on. I say nothing about what I"m going to pay her, or ask her what she is getting paid, and she tells me that she thinks "Caroline" is getting paid $25/hour. I'm said, "Really? Well, I can't afford that much. I was paying mom's caregivers $10/hour before she lost her VA Aid & Attendance, and that's what we'll be able to pay once it starts back up." I also informed the woman that I didnt' know if she was aware of it or not, but that was NOT the going rate for a personal care attendant in this area, that I had researched it as I was going to start a Home Care business myself and hire personal care attendants and was wanting to know what a fair wage was and that in this area it was anywhere from $8-10/hour and maybe more for a CNA at a hospital, or a nurse, but that was it. I said, that if the church wanted to pay them that, that was their business, but I was surprised. She told me "not to quote her on that" but that that is what she had heard they were paying her.

I prayed about this for a long time, as to whether I should say something to the pastor about it or not. Finally I decided that I would, as they might not be aware what the going price for a caregiver was. My first mistake was to send him an email instead of talking to him in person. He emailed me back and told me "it is none of your concern". And then he went on to say, "just enjoy the help". Well, I don't know why this pissed me off, but it did. I knew in my head he was right (it really was none of my business, but of course being the al-anoner I am, I had to MAKE it my business! lol) So I told him in no uncertain terms (again in an email) that, "It sure as hell was my business! This was my mom we were talking about and I had a right to complain if I didn't think the help was earning their pay! This lady had sat on her butt (which was fine with me when I thought she was getting $10/hour) for the whole two hours she was here. She didn't wash the dishes that I had told her she could "if she wanted to" or put the clothes in the washer that I told her she could do "if she got bored", or vacuum. And why was the church unwilling to come help? I felt like they were paying someone else to do THEIR job! So I fired them. (the church and the women) LOL

Well I eventually realized that I over-reacted and behaved badly on at least the last account, but the bitter taste in my mouth from these "people" who called themselves Christians, yet weren't willing to "walk the walk" but only "talk the talk" was very discouraging so I quit going to church all together. No one from either church calls to check on mom or me btw, anymore now or previous to this incident, even though I attended there for most of my life, and my father before me, and my grandfather before him, etc, etc. It still baffles and saddens me.

Fast forward to today... mom is on Hospice and there is clergy provided. I decided (once again falsely) that I might be able to talk to these clergy persons as they were a unassociated third party. First they sent a woman to the hospital on my mom's last visit there, which was only a week after she was admitted to hospice. I had only talked to the woman one time prior to that at my house, and had told her this story. Initially she told me that she thought they (the preachers) were scared of me in a way because I was like a "tornado" spinning out of control. I told her that her analogy was correct, I had so many emotions and feelings flying around right now that I was VERY much like a tornado, but these were "trained" ministers that they should know and understand that I would be like this under the circumstances of caring for an elderly person with Alzheimer's 24/7 with NO help! One was even a licensed social worker at a mental hospital, and he for sure should know! She listened, but did not seem to understand. Fortunately for me, I chose to take the high road with her, and didn't react.

Today was a different case however. I took one last attempt at this "clergy" thing and agreed to see a new person that had recently accepted the other lady's position. I have no idea why the other lady left. Today she called and wanted to know when we could meet. I told her that this week was pretty busy and we were going on much needed vacation starting Friday and wouldn't' be back till next Wednesday. Mom would be in hospice "respite" care during that time. So she asked if she could come today, and again being the 'people pleaser' that I am, I said yes. We agreed on between 2:30 and 3 p.m. I told her that my daughter had to be at guard at 3, so she knew that I was on short-clock to begin with and I knew that she wanted to be out of here by 3 p.m. to avoid rush hour traffic. Unfortunately something came up at the last minute and I had to rush my daughter to the school early (right at 2:30) and I left her a post-it note to that effect and said I'd be back by 3 p.m.

Well, I got back and she was NOT pleased with me. I apologised for being late and she asked me, "Why didn't you call the hospice office?" and I said that I had tried that before with the caregiver and they didn't have her number, so why should I think they had hers? I knew they had the nurses, but that was all. So then I told her that if this was going to be an issue she could just leave, as I knew she didn't want to be in rush hour traffic and it was 3 p.m. She continued with "this wasnt' an issue" she just thought that I  could have called is all. I had HAD it! I told her, "WEll, you know what? It has become an ISSUE with me, so you can just get back in your car and leave!" And to that I walked away from her, with her still saying, "I didn't' mean to upset you."

I know I am over-reacting, truly I do. But you would think these people would be trained to expect this given the circumstances. They are SO inconsiderate. And by "these people" I mean clergy. Everyone else with hospice has been very good, and trust me I've gone off on some of them too, due to the stress, but they handled it very well and "defused" me and I'm sure they had been trained to do that, so why not these clergy people? I know that the church is not God... I am not mad at God, but I am mad at the church and I don't know where else to go with this, but here on this board, because I know some of you out there have had issues too. I'm interested in your feedback, and welcome it, as I know that I could have handled this better, but given the situation, I'm not sure that I could have either. 

Thanks in advance for your comments.

Lisa

-- Edited by Overcome on Tuesday 25th of June 2013 04:14:09 PM