stuggling with sense of loss - Al-Anon Family Group

Rinn · Senior Member

stuggling with sense of loss

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes. I venture to say most of us felt that way. It is really hard to accept what is and move on. Keep your head up and try and get to some face to face meetings Rinn. He's not your everything. You deserve lots better.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I've felt that way with my husband, some siblings and my children - for awhile. Then, I realized that their issues weren't mine and if I wanted any peace and joy at all, I had to find new ways to enjoy my life - with or without them in it. That doesn't mean I don't have times of sorrow, I do, but not as often or as hard. I learned the meaning of Byron Katie's saying "If something or someone leaves your life, congratulations! You've been spared." Meth use can destroy the both of you. I'm glad you've chosen to move away and heal from the effects of disease. It will get better for you as you work the steps, go to meetings, find things to do that build you up, and people who cherish you because they are healthy enough to do it.

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Rinn,

Yes I can so relate to grieving the loss of the man that I loved and also the loss of all the hopes and dreams I had for us. I also know the loss of losing the man that I fell for to meth.

I honor those feelings of loss and grief because they are very much real and they are mine. All that is left of my now ex husband is a mean hateful man that due to his disease is unable to see anything other than his wants and needs. He hasn't had contact with his children in over a year.

What really helped me was to take a true look at my relationship/marriage to him without the rose colored glasses and without the codependent eyes that I had been wearing for so so long. I remember the few good times we had, I'm honest to our three children about the disease (in age appropriate ways) and I talk to them about caring for the man and not liking the disease.

I have empathy for him, but I am no longer his doormat. No matter how ugly he gets and keeping in mind he knows where my buttons are because I allowed him to install those buttons throughout the years.

Yours in recovery,

Mandy

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Rinn,
I too can relate to the grieving for the loss of the man I married. His deal was alcohol and he doesn't drink anymore but he never has returned continuously to the man he was when I married him. But his issue is not my issue. I can be happy no matter how happy or unhappy he chooses to be. You have to accept life as it is..... and the concept of marriage of "in sickness and in health" is totally not relevant. You have the sickness that he is making choices about. He chose to leave you. He chooses to manipulate you. He is choosing his life. He knows where the treatment is. You have the right to choose your life.

Take care of yourself.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Rinn))))...when I was going thru that with my alcoholic/addict I learned about the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde effect...the severe personality changes and that helped me too. I missed the wife I married and hated the alcoholic/addict she was becoming. Love the person; hate the disease. It was important for me to change; to adapt to living with someone who was altered and because of it our whole life was also. I learned about and how to use different tools I would never have considered using with a healthy mind, mood, spirit and emotion person which were hard because they were soooo different and outside of my imagination. The fellowship helped alot as I learned from others who had gone thru what I was and who had the positive experiences of using "strange" new tools. I learned how important it was to take care of myself because "If I didn't have me...I didn't have anything". Keep coming back and learning...keep up the courage to do the things that have worked for others.

Consider a TRO Temporary Restraining Order taken out against him. It is fast and easy and you can get one from the courts or family health provider. He will be directed to stay away from you at all times up to 500 feet or more and if he violates he will be arrested and maybe even jailed. Be strong. In support. smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes Rinn I sure have. In fact hp taught me that it was ok to love the AH I married, but sadly he died. Now this body walking around is not my husband, not the man I loved.

It made things lots easier. I even feel and say I am widowed again as it is true, he really did die, this monster is not my husband.

It is your heart telling you this is not your loved one anymore, that part of him is gone. Does not matter what this monster says.

You may want to do some kind of thing like putting a candle on a floating little piece of wood, write a note of goodbye to your husband you loved, put it on there, put a picture if you like, just make it real for you, then send it off. Those things help me very much, putting an ending to it.

On a lighter note, my friend used to be one of those Californian blond haired beauties in bikini on a surfboard. When bikinis were out for her, she took hers and released it into a rough over the rocks river to day goodbye to the younger person she was. These rituals really do help us to let go and move on to what is next.

hugs,debilyn Yes I did the candle thing, put 13 pennies on the floating thing representing 13 years I was blessed with my first husband who did die.

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