"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

This feels wrong.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

My son is still homeless, he has made no effort to get accomodation because he has a court case pending. He is so miserable looking. He came in tonight, asked for money and became angry when I said no. He says I have pushed him away and i will regret it. He says the people he is staying with thinks I am a bad mother who has abandoned her own son and they would never do that. He says he feels like he has no one helping him or supporting him. He feels like he is alone in this world. I am so upset because of course I feel like this. I need to remind myself why I am doing this, have I gone too far, should a mother let her son fend for himself? He is 20. So young, I needed my mum at that age. The theory is that his drinking, drugging and behaviour was becoming more and more extreme and intolerable so I have made it clear I am not accepting it. But why should I not have him here and use other methods? I want him here with me but I give up my life for his. He walks over the top of me and I resent him. He brings chaos, fear and aggression into my home. I only stay strong for so long. I have my other children to think about. This is so hard. I never thought I would ever throw him out of the house and it feels like ive thrown him out of my life and the familys life. I have abandoned him. I dont want to live with him, I have not been able to find a way to deal with him that I can keep up for long, he wears me down eventually and then its unbearable. Other mothers never give up, does it pass, is it just a stage in his development? I feel like im making a big mistake and he and I will never be able to forgive me for this. He says he has not been drinking now and that he is behaving so why am I still punishing him. I dont know? I am believing in the theory that he will live with these consequences and realise his lifestyle is too hard and he will make the changes. If I cave in he will revert back very soon and nothing will have been gained from all this pain. I do believe this. I do believe this is the right way for him and me. Thanks for listening.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

http://alanon.activeboard.com/t43783465/tough-love/

El-Cee... it is definitely tough to see a loved one suffer, whether it is a child, a spouse, or a parent, etc...

Bottom line is you are NOT turning your back on him, you are turning your back on his disease.... He still has choices - healthy ones - that he is choosing not to make at this point....

There are no easy, black & white answers for you....

I copied a story from my past, that will hopefully help you maintain your hope....

Keep coming back

Tom

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs ec,

You have some wonderful ESH already just wanted to send some extra hugs. After going on to his s/mom I found out that the wasband is actually still actively drinking. I know in his heart he wants to stop and just can't. So staying the hard road is probably the best bet .. after all this is between your son and his HP which you are not.

There are no easy answers and each answer is different for us all.

Hugs P :)

Rose50 · Senior Member

Thank you for this post, Green Eyes. It reminds me that I don't have the power to change anyone but myself.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((el-cee))))...You reminded me of a lesson my sponsor taught me when I was feeling distraught and powerless and depressed useless after I told him my most recent horror story about my alcoholic relationship, "Try standing back from your experience and viewing it as if you were someone else" was what we instructed and I ended up feeling an entirely new feeling I had not had before the spouse of the alcoholic/addict...I felt horrified at what the disease was putting me thru and I came to understand what a victim of the disease looks like, feels like, sounds like and acts like. Then I stopped being the victim. Keep coming back, Don't second guess el-cee, she is doing the very very best with what she has. I'm in support. smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear el cee: It feels wrong to you and the disease is in to you and what works to manipulate you. At 20 years old, I was screwing up my life making bad choices and I still saw a way to make it work for me. Nothing my parents could say or do at that time would have changed a thing for me. I had to do what I did in the way I did it. Please re-read what you're saying about what you don't want. Honor it. It's true for you and its health speaking. NOBODY needs to live in a pressure cooker because their grown son refuses treatment today. He may change his mind tomorrow.

One night, a friend invited me to watch a family of blackbirds. The mother bird had kicked the babies, scrawny and small as they were, out of the nest. The male birds called to each other from trees as they watched the blackbirds make their way from ground to a safe place in trees. The mother bird did nothing after she kicked the babies from the nest. My friend told me they had to make it off the ground before nightfall because of predators. I had to leave early and couldn't wait for everything to enfold. In the morning, my friend called to tell me that all the babies had made it to safety right before nightfall.

I've had people think I'm a bad mother because I won't let my son live with me, too. Then later, they kicked him out and told him never to call them again. It doesn't matter what he thinks, they think, or the disease thinks. It matters what you think and you think that letting him live with you again spells trouble for you. You haven't given up on your son. You've set boundaries with him aATnd the disease doesn't like it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't set boundaries and it doesn't mean you can't change them when the time is right. He has shown you nothing other than what he was doing before he left the house. He's talking to you in a way that says you can expect the same and more. Is that what you want? More of the same plus maybe more?

What step or slogan will bring you some peace? What does your HP say about this situation? What would you say to me if I had written what you have, my friend? Remember the Al-anon help of ODAT and God's will: If you have the opportunity, desire, ability and time to bring your son back into the nest, then it is probably God's will for you. If anyone of the letters ODAT is missing, probably not. Much support as you struggle with this
issue. Whatever you decide, you can always begin again.

oldergal · Senior Member

When my son was an immature 23, he wanted to live with me and I couldnt say no, BUT I did set boundaries, and consequences. It lasted for awhile then I had to ask him to leave again. Then I let him back again and set more boundaries...and eventually he understood that I meant business and he eventually found somewhere to crash. He finally believed that I meant business. He had to face that there was no where he could live for free and still drink and drug and be comfortable and have food. It seemed it boiled down to me or him, who was going to have peace? My survival instincts said it had to be me, I gave him a certain date to get it together and that was it he had to leave. Well it finally worked he understood me and believed me when I told him he had to stand up on his own two feet, and couldnt live with me unless he could be sober get a job and work a program. It finally got into his thick head what I was saying, and had to figure out a way to survive on his own. Yes, I was called a bad parent, but those people who were talking didnt know anything about addictions....it wasnt easy but I ignored them. I had to take a stand.When you have this 6 something kid looking down on you, it is hard not to be intimidated.

This was my experience, I hope things turn out in your favor...stick close to the program.....in support Oldergal

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to walk away from my A Mom and my exAH because it was my girls and I go down with them or detach doing better on our own and getting better we are. We make our choices, they make theirs, that is how consequences and responsibility work. I know 20 year olds who have full time jobs and are putting themselves through college. You can own your power or give it away it is up to you, but the sooner you learn to let go of the guilt and shame of him not making it the way you dreamed and realize the ball is in his court how his life turns out the better for you. Al-anon is for our recovery and is the only way for me to focus on my side of the street and not let the A's in my family treat me any way that is inappropriate or I no longer let them try to convince me the sky is upside down and pink. Take care of you. Sending you much love and support!

laurab · Senior Member

((((((((el-cee))))))))))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear One, I had to have my son leave too. He was not doing drugs, or anything but would not get a job or do anything. He was 22.

When he finally grew up he told me he was sorry and it was the best thing I ever did to push him out.

He realized he could take care of himself. Now he is 37 almost, and I am so proud of him. Has a great career, owns his home, car, pick up and great dog....fishes and loves earthy things. I did have to send him to survivor backpacking when he was about sixteen as he was trying white dope and that was that, off you go.....

Anyway Cathy is going thru the same thing. Looks like her son is making some progress.

My experience is when we allow them to fend for themselves we are telling them we know they can do it, we know they can make it on their own. You are giving him the chance to grow up. Sounds like he has a place to land, is eating. He can get a job, or volunteer, figure out how to get food etc. How will he learn if you take him back.

What would that say to your other kids? NO WAY would I put up with anyone bring that bolony into my home. Good for you! I agree it is never about him, its about his behavior. We can love everyone, find something to find some bit of good in them, but we can hate the behavior. You can tell him that, i know you can do it, I want you here, its the behavior I cannot have in our home.

My heart goes out to you. It does hurt. I remember all too well. ugh. If you can picture your hps hands, picture those hands holding your son. hugs,debilyn

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for your wisdom. I needed that yesterday. Son living with me = drunken bum. I feel that I am being a better mum than I've ever been. It just feels sad. I'm giving him a fighting chance.x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, you are giving him a fighting chance. He doesn't know it yet - doesn't matter. You know it and his HP will guide him and provide for him to the degree your son allows it. I've watched people kicked out of a program or a shelter for drunkenness - winter is the hardest - felt awful about it and then watched a door open for them just when I was thinking all was lost. Taught me that I could trust the universe/God/HP to provide for its own.
Being a Mom made that trust harder because of the expectations and relationship, but my child couldn't be any less loved than the people I saw in shelters. (((el cee))) It does get easier to say no to those feelings of rescue and yes to the feelings of trust in something greater than the disease.
Prayers for you and your family.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

(((( LC ))))

The detachment I've put in place has helped a lot. He can't and will not step over to my side of the street unless I let him. I stay strong and he knows it.

What did it do saying....oh my poor son...he is so young and just doesn't know what to do with himself. Been there many times. Either he is going to learn or he won't......not my problem IT"S HIS.

I will NOT live with a son, drunk, living with me and not growing up.

I will NOT have the quilt of not taking care of him when he was just a boy.

Last but not least....I will NOT take care of my son just to watch him die anyways.

He will either drink or he won't. I will change because I'll be damned if I'm going to my grave the way I was.

I pray for you and your son that he will find his way......his way because you can't cure it, you can't control it and you didn't cause it....that you can be sure of.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I try not to show these emotions because he would use them to manipulate me. That is exactly what he was doing. I did not cave in though. When he leaves that's when I crumble and I vent here to release it. I know you understand.x

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes I do understand and I have come here many times to vent.......and NOT vent to my son. He will never again see me cry and beg. I will let him know I love him and will be there 110% in support of his recovery.....nothing more nothing less.

But he has to take that step to go into recovery forever....or he will have the consequences to pay for his actions. He will learn one way or another.

For me......I pray and work hard on taking care of me so those emotions will become less and less as time go's on. I stop and think before I act on anything. Usually it passes and I can move on without so much pain that I used to feel. When those emotions come's up like OMG he is out in the cold and I should have him here so he will at least have a place to sleep and something to eat. I stop and think......well maybe this is the night my son will go to someone and beg for help. Maybe this will be the night my son is in enough pain he will want to stop his madness because he doesn't want to hurt anymore. He will think.....DANG....mom will not help me so I have to seek it elsewhere.....and we will pray it's the route of Detox/AA/Sponsor/12steps.

I would rather have my son hate me for a while instead of getting a call he was found dead somewhere.

Let me tell you my son as far as I know at this moment is working a program with AA now. Mind you it can change in the next hour but I can only....

LET GO LET GOD.... that's the only right thing to do ....have total trust in my HP to help me survive and have peace in my life.

(((( hugs ))))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"