Feeling like such a fool right now - Al-Anon Family Group

scaredandconfused · Veteran Member

Feeling like such a fool right now

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so down on yourself because HE didn't show up today. There is no way you could have known how this was going to turn out. You took a risk. It fell short of what you'd hoped it would be. You're not a fool for taking a risk and you're not responsible for his shortcomings that are a reflection on him - not on you. Beating up on yourself is a reflection on you and you deserve some gentle kindness. This was a disappointing day for you and not because you did anything wrong. I learned to see these kinds of things happening as my HP's guidance to me when I'd waffle on divorcing my A or staying divorced from my A. About the time I'd think I was making a mistake, something would happen that set me right back on the road to saying goodbye to what would never be what I wanted or needed in a partner and in a marriage. I didn't have anybody to tell me to stop picking on myself back then and I just made a hard situation worse by putting myself down for being human and wanting to trust my exAH. Lots of hugs. Stop picking on yourself. You are deserving of gentle encouragement and understanding. He's behaving as an alcoholic behaves and it is a reflection on him and his disease - not you.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not a fool to have had hope and I'm sorry that disappointment showed up instead of your AH. It's a horrible disease- powerful, baffling, and cunning. I don't know your exact circumstance so I could be way off base in saying that it is possible that your AH may have had the best of intentions before fear set in at the last minute. If he is working a recovery program- it sounds like it is in the very beginning stages and it would take time for distorted thinking to unravel into clear thinking or actions. Any unmet expectation can lead to hurt and resentments- be gentle with you and give yourself permission to be human and have feelings and emotions and continue to acknowledge and process the hurt when it arises. All we can do is work our program and take things one day at a time.

In support.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello scared&confused, I remember well a time when I thought my ex and I were headed for better times; he came and took me to a resort not far from where I live, we rode the motorcycle and had a fun day playing slots, enjoying lunch and the great weather there and back. He was the person I wanted to be with. Two days later he was partying hardy with his buddies at the lodge and telling me lies again, he was only there to cover the door for a little while (when instead he was celebrating his birthday (something I thought we were going to do together)). I was angry at him but I was more angry at me for "going there" again; but, I guess I had to go there to get here; we have to keep taking their bs until our bs cup is full and then and only then will we stand up and say, ENOUGH! It's heartbreaking though, and it hurts.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

None of us are fools. We all want so much in our hearts for our A's to get better, so whenever there is any change we become hopeful. I still do. My son has been sober for over a month now but tomorrow he might be drunk......will never know. It's there for life so we have to just take care of us and live one day at a time.

Just say the serenity prayer when you say your prayers and pick yourself up and practice, practice, practice.

In recovery...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Put the mallet away Scared...It's not good to beat up on yourself when you're feeling weak, hurt and already beat up. This is HP time and time to remember that the disease is cunning, powerful and baffling and that often time we give it that power over us. Call your sponsor if you have one or someone else in the program...coming here also is great support for your spirit. Be good to your self and go sit in the palms of your HP's hands...thats a soft and warm and comfortable place. (((hugs))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs S&C,

The disease is awful, it lies, deceives and so on, it hurts, .. badly. I sooo understand the confusion and the hurt that you are expressing. Been there done that .. what I really am trying to focus on (beside me!) is believe the actions and not the words. As a codie, .. I want to desperately instantly believe what someone is telling me vs watching what they show me.

Ironically enough .. my STBAX doesn't listen to what I say .. however he def watches MY actions. I don't know why the dichotomy it is what it is, .. I'm just trying to really accept my A where he is at vs fitting him into my expectation of what I think he should be doing or who he should be, that is not my call.

Recently, I've filed an OP. In filing the OP I see soooo much clearer who he really is and trust me when I say .. he's shown me a WHOLE lot I need to believe. What has helped is in doing this .. I've been validated all over the place .. the deputy at my house, a girlfriend of mine, .. we have kids the same age. What was frustrating during this time was his s/mom who actually said to me because he APPEARED "normal" are you sure he is drinking? If I didn't have the bank statements proving it .. I wouldn't believe it either .. however in having the validation I did PLUS the other information I was able to say .. YES, .. this is an act. Well, the kids were there this weekend, came home and my daughter pulled me aside .. mom .. if there was ever a question of dad drinking I can tell you he is .. there was a case of beer in the cabinets. I just laughed to myself and thought .. ok God .. I hear you .. he is NOT ok.

I have to accept what he is .. not what I want him to be or what I wish him to be. I don't want him to be a drunk. That is what he is .. just like I'm who I am with my faults and strengths.

Soooo .. this is my response when he has talked about recovery in the past .. not interested anymore in talk .. you show me the recovery. Show me living amends, show me how you are living with the God of your understanding, show me .. no more telling me because every word is blah blah blah and I do not believe blah blah blah.

So sorry for your hurt, it gets easier and as you see the disease and him for who he is it will get less confusing. I hope you are attending f2f meetings and taking care of you. It's so ok to grieve because it's a loss of so many levels, dreams, who I thought I was, who I thought he was, what I thought my life would be like. It's ok, those are all going to pass in terms of ebbs and flows.

Keep coming back, hugs P :)

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I know exactly how you feel. I spent years building my hopes up but there comes a point when we accept the reality of our situation. He is an alcoholic and is behaving like one. I liked what like my heart said about our bs cup. Mines reached maximum about 2 years ago for my exah. My son though is a different matter my bs cup seems to go on forever. We do get sucked in and expect more than is possible and then we are dissappointed and blame them but really it is us who expected things to be a certain way. Well thats my experience anyway. This is just another of those lessons that provide the evidence needed to lead to acceptance. He is going to do what alcoholics do but the point is what are you going to do?

-- Edited by el-cee on Monday 24th of June 2013 05:10:22 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I can't tell you how many times I did the same thing. My therapist said, "Sometimes you have to keep touching the stove to see if it's hot." I guess the "good" news is that your A fell at the first hurdle and let you see his true nature again. It's worse when he keeps up the good act for several months and you get totally reeled back in -- and then you find out the truth. Take good care of yourself!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I do relate, I believe most all of us have this happen a few times in our recovery. Feeling like a fool I would think would be becuz someone tricked us and we fell for it.

Honestly, I do not believe they do it on purpose, in my experience, they just do what they do. He may have really wanted to spend time with you. I mean they are still human, still have some good in them! Plus for petes sake, we love them!!

May I invite you to think of it in a different way for a second? Be glad you had a special time with him, I gleaned all I could out of mine. I always called it precious time. Whether the next thing is nothing, does not mean what you received did not have worth. What I would not give to have a bit of time with my first deceased AH.

Sometimes Al Anon teaches us to think about what good we got, not the negative from the A. They are so sick. I learned thru here on mip not to have expectations, to enjoy the moment. To be glad when someone shows up, not freak out becuz they did not.

I hope this helps. I am honestly glad you had some good time with him. I know it hurt, but I am telling you for me, when I learned to accept him as is, and glean all I could, I was blessed more time with him. I want to add, even when he was a butt head!

hugs honey, debilyn

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Very Well said Debilyn,

So right on about enjoying the moments in our life.

Just wanted to add that Alanon doesnt talk about putting your life on hold while they decide to get sober. Its better to live our life to the fullest while they get sober or not. This disease is a lifetime struggle, be sure of that.

It isnt about them....its about learning to value our own life. Instead of always looking at what is wrong with him, them or those people. We need to take responsibility for our own happiness. Our lives do not depend on the happiness of others.

We can never figure out the motives or actions of another person, even if he is our spouse. I understand everything you are saying, I went thru it myself. To be with a alcoholic is not an easy path, but be sure it is all for our own growth.

Keep coming back , because it works if you work it.
Hugs, Bettina

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.