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I am not a drinker of alcohol, but I am surrounded by people who do drink in my family. Given the push-pull of the disease and all the dreadful things that happen to the drinker because of it - I don't see any who are truly happy - even though when drunk they tend to be the "happiest in all the land."
I like to be with people who don't drink because they tend to be more steady and dependable although I wouldn't put them in the "happy" category. I do think my friends and family members who don't drink are more content with their lives and tend to find pleasure in simple things and doing service work with and for others and aren't easily angered or offended. The drinkers in my life tend to be easily angered, offended and "irritated" by what I consider to be just other people's styles and aren't often involved in service work.
I've gone to restaurants that don't serve alcohol and seldom experience any fights, loud voices or increasing belligerent language on the part of restaurant goers by 9:00 p.m. But, I've gone to bars when visiting my sister who drinks heavily and know that by 8 or 9 at night, when the families start going home from the restaurant portion of the bars, the night will get rowdier, fights will break out, language will get more horrible, and men and women hoping to make contact with folks from the bars tend to look more and more drawn and unhappy. Frankly, I don't like bars and the few times I've been in them, just feel the anger, desperation, loneliness and anguish that can pretty much be felt everywhere in them. I don't pick up an undercurrent of happiness, gratitude or joy in them.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 22nd of June 2013 02:48:15 PM
I am in the non-drinker category. Never have been a drinker and I am a 46 year old female. My question is this: Why does it seem drinkers are so much happier than me? Is it true that they are or is just an illusion? There is more to this and I will share as a responses come in. Thank you.
I have never had a drink and I am early fifties! I am very happy inside-happy with who I am, even if life's not perfect. I think that the illusion of happiness can't replace real contentment. I see a lot of drama in my family/friends who use alcohol. I see more balance in the lives of those who don't drink. They both experience problems but the ones who drink seem to act as if theirs are bigger! In the same way they seem to act as if their Good Stuff is Bigger and Better too! maybe that's the happiness you are seeing in the drinkers? It might be the same circumstance...but the drinkers over blow it. that's just my observation.
People who drink act like they are carefree and happy when they are recklessly indulging. You don't see them when they are sobering up and trying to deal with life on life terms. As a recovering alcoholic, I can tell you that it looked and felt like alcohol was the answer to my problems for a long time...until it became painfully obvious that it was really the cause of most of my problems.
I have learned in recovery also to not compare my insides to other people's outsides. Everyone has their struggles. Casual drinkers may be "happy" or I could even see a case for happier in some ways in that they are socially active FIRST and they drink second. Heavy drinkers and alcoholics are generally not happy campers on the inside. I can tell you that from my personal experience. I was miserable when I was drinking and all my friendships were very shallow. I guess it seemed "fun" in some ways but what kind of fun revolves around a bar? I have much more fun now with my partner that I love, my house, my pets, my church, my friends in AA and alanon. I don't appear to be some "cut loose" party type like I was...but I'm grounded and far more at peace. That is priceless to me.
Depends on what happiness is to you, people laughing and drinking is a momentarily happiness.
What about sustained happiness or happiness that is so absolute, it can surmount even the adversity in our life.
Then there is relative happiness, thats related to what material gain you have accomplished or that job or new car, or Alcohol, drinking with friends, it is based upon a related idea.
I used to bartend and I never noticed any of my regulars being extremely happy people at all. Just my take from the drinkers I know from then and now in my family.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Happiness to me is a state of inner contentment or peace, it does not mean that my life proceeds along a trouble free or carefree path, rather that I can face adversity and understand that I will have good days and bad days, I can be happy on my own or in company, it is my state of mind and a choice. I used to think it required me to make others 'happy' - it has been a long road to understand that this is not within my gift.
I cannot see that drunken behavior brings 'happiness'' as it is a way of temporarily avoiding reality, sure they may seem the life and soul of the party but the drinking creates a whole stack of problems that mount up and in the end there is not enough booze in the world to hide from those problems so they cause chaos and confusion and the situation just deteriorates until they are alone - what a miserable and terrible existence.
I saw a powerful phrase the other day which sums it up for me:
"Alcohol, the perfect solvent - it dissolves family, friends and careers"
When I've been out with my RA friends the usual response is I didn't know I could have fun and not drink. I don't think it's happiness by definition of they are "happier" than non drinking folks.
Plus by definition addicts are selfish people and put their needs above others, .. I know I could use a lesson in putting more focus on me vs others, however .. have it done in a non destructive way and not need to blow other people's lives up.
The other thing I have noticed is that the AA meetings are funnier than the Alanon ones .. although we laugh a good lot in Alanon .. I find I am MUCH more serious about everything in general. RA's have a totally different attitude within the meetings .. again with the however .. LOL .. AA meetings can be a LOT more intense and there is a LOT of bitching and moaning about others, they are on good behavior in the open meeting .. there have been some chairs that have flown in others (I mean that literally too) .. so the whole tradition 12 is constantly being put to test.
Happiness as a whole .. I don't see how drinking or not drinking has any bearing on how happy I am and I love what Finn shared about Alcohol solvent .. I'm going to hold onto that one for the day.
Now today I feel pretty dang happy and I'm going to an AA function it's the pig roast and it's a blast, I went last year and didn't know many people so this year will be a very different experience!!
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know when I first came to alanon I too thought that alanon, non- drinkers were a" glum lot". They were serious, spoke from the heart, were honest about who they were and what they felt . To me that was all very strange. After all I had grown up in an alcoholic home where I learned how to make a joke of life and developed destructive tools to interact in the world These tools were:
Have fun by laughing at others,, being sarcastic, finding others vulnerable spot and capitalizing on it, seeing my mistakes and pretending that it was funny and I did not care. Expecting the world to revolve around me and when it did not--------judging others and blaming them in a joking manner. All the same attitudes of an alcoholic.
Thank heavens I let go of these unrealistic destructive tools and embraced the honesty and clarity that alanon offers. Today I can truly say I am happy within. The pretend type of happiness feels surface insincere nonsense and not worth working interacting with.
The opinion expressed here is strictly mine . Take what you like and leave the rest.
Sometimes I go down to the local store close to closing time, share a beer or two with the owner, others sometimes join in and its a fun time of jokes and laughs and whatnot after a day of working; makes me happy to be a part of it because it IS good social fun and then everybody goes home. I can do the same with our local tavern; go down, have a drink, bs with whomever I find there in a good social fun way and go home laughing. I go to garage sales and run into the same shoppers at every sale so by the end of the afternoon we are laughing and joking - good social fun, no alcohol in sight. I like good social fun, it makes me happy.
By nature I am a happy optimistic person; annoyingly perky and cheerful to my daughter, I laugh and chat with just about anyone. I know some "negative Nellies" - people whose nature is opposite mine; I also know a lot of people who just can't find happiness in anything, always have to look negatively at everything.
I don't think the alcohol makes alcoholics happy - rather it makes them appear happy; they are happy IN THE MOMENT because they are feeding their addiction.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thank you so much for the replies. This is so tough for me right now to work through. I am feeling the 12 step program is not for me as I have been more than kind / good / understanding with my qualifier. I do not feel I owe her anything. I know this is about me and not her but the reality is that we are human and think in a real life manner. My anger is leaving me daily. I look forward to each new day of happiness and positive thoughts.
Dear TCNY: Most all of us have been kind/good/understanding with our qualifier until we hit a brick wall and our lives became unmanageable. Our focus became our qualifiers. We ate, drank and slept them and lost ourselves in the process. If you think the program is not for you because you're kind, don't owe your qualifier anything, anger leaving you daily and positive thoughts and happiness are yours, good! If this changes for you, we'll be here with and for you. May peace and joy be yours.
grateful2be -- I see my post was indicitive of my saying Al Anon is not for me. It is and I will stick with it but for now, I am still in the mad and sad stage of what has taken place due to having a Heavy Drinker in my life. I will get there with the 12 Steps but for now I am listening and taking in all I can from those who have been in the program for quite a bit of time.
