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My AH returned from a 30 day in treatment program 3 weeks ago. Since then he has not been drinking but continues to go to bars on an almost nightly basis and drink NA beers. Tonight he is at a bar with some of our friends and I decided not to go because I thought it is enabling and unsupportive of his sobriety. I am not sure if going would have been more supportive or I made the right decision. We are struggling in our marriage right now and rarely spend time together. I think if I were not 9 months pregnant we would not be together now. Any thoughts?
My thoughts are that this is a relapse just waiting to happen but you can't control it and you being there or not would make no difference at all. You have zero control in this and that is sad. Take care of you and the baby as best you can and practice detachment. Your AH cannot be so dense that he thinks it's a good idea to be going out to bars that soon after rehab. He just isn't ready for real recovery yet. You can make your recovery real by going to alanon meetings though.
I believe that you made the right choice. AA cautions about letting go of people, places or things that might affect sobriety Going to a bar and drinking NA is a slippery slope.
We who live with this disease do need the support and wisdom of a recovery program of our own. Alanon is that program.
I urge you to search out alanon meetings and attend. The number will be found in the white pages of the telephone directory.
I would like to y Congratulate you on expecting your new little one. I know that "peacewill come" if you keep taking care of yourself, check out alanon meetings and keep coming back here.
Thoughts with you on this one, going to a bar after treatment is a bad idea and NA Beer is a slippery slope. You are right to detach, get to an Al-Anon meeting for you and the baby to come, you can do nothing to control your AH so it makes no sense to go to the bar with him, it would probably upset and unsettle you even more.
I wish you well and you are in the right place here
Yikes... I echo the thoughts of the others... difficult time for you, but please do what you need to in order to take the best care of you and your baby... you're both very worth it...
As for his choices - well, there isn't a Treatment Center worth it's salt who would say that going to bars, and/or drinking NA beers are ANY kind of program of recovery.... I feel for you, but choosing recovery for you (and your soon to be born baby) is the best thing you can do for now...
Take care, and hope you keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My thoughts are that this is a relapse just waiting to happen but you can't control it and you being there or not would make no difference at all. You have zero control in this and that is sad. Take care of you and the baby as best you can and practice detachment. Your AH cannot be so dense that he thinks it's a good idea to be going out to bars that soon after rehab. He just isn't ready for real recovery yet. You can make your recovery real by going to alanon meetings though.
Quote - Unquote...It would be interesting what his rehab and rehab counselor will say about this behavior. He is back as drinking places with drinking friends and associates and Near Beer and the real stuff sitting side by side are twins. For you I would call the Al-Anon hotline number in your area and make the call. See if besides the meeting times and place we get together at you can raise a person to talk to. That is how our hotline works on the eastside of Hawaii. The big picture doesn't look good. In support. ((((hugs))))
Lots of encouragement and support for you right now. It would be easy for you to feel depressed and discouraged right now, too, and with the advent of the new baby - I do hope you do go to Al-Anon face to face meetings, on-line meetings here, MIP message board and hang out with people who will make the next few weeks about you and the baby. This is a joyous time in your life if you allow it. Don't let his doings/not doings ruin this first time Mom experience for you! Right now, you are queenly in your "with child" state and queens need all the rest, loyal support and positive action they can employ in their court. Bubble baths, walks, flowers, good music, good movies and trust in your HP will all serve you well.
Thank you for all of your replies. I am active in Alanon and have made some progress. I just left a f2f meeting and called my AH because we are going to do some yard work. He just finished a meeting and met with his sponsor and is now at a bar having a NA beer. It is noon. I had such a good meeting and am now in tears with frustration. I can imagine he does not share with his sponsor that he goes to bars still. When he told me where he was I held my tongue. I wanted to ask him if his sponsor knew what he planned to do after they met or make some smart ass comment about where he was but didn't. So now I am just holding the anger and resentment about his actions in again. I know I can't control what he does but is it ok to question what he is doing or let him know it bothers me? So confused and hurt and angry.
You can question him and you can let him know it bothers you and what do you think the outcome will be? Right now, it appears to me as if he is trying to control his drinking without giving up what is familiar to him. As much as you'd like to see him staying away from bars and not drinking there, he is going to the bars and he is drinking what isn't going to help him much in the short/long run. AND - that's all about him. We can't control, cure or cause sobriety anymore than we could control, cure or cause the alcoholism.
Your anger and resentment can be expressed with us and I'm glad you're doing that. Its not good for you or for the baby to stuff it. Frustration and confusion can be minimized by asking your HP for knowledge of His/Her/It's will for you and the power to carry that will out now. I'm sure your HP can come up with a really good way for you to release some of the negative feelings you're experiencing right now if you ask. Maybe visiting with a good friend might help you relax a bit tonight and forget him - what he's doing, not doing, could be doing, should be doing?
If he's going to the barber shop at some point he's going to get a haircut, it's a relapse waiting to happen. In my mind it already has happened, because it just is what it is .. to get clean you have to be willing to change everything .. OR nothing changes. People and places ALL have to change.
Personally I feel very strongly about NA beer it's got alcohol in it .. I listened to an AA speaker talk about how they drank Listerine to get the high they needed to get through it all. They were drinking 2 gallons of Listerine in a couple of days .. I can't imagine.
Again MY opinion take what you like .. anything that has alcohol in it is suspect to relapse, this also includes specific medicines like Nyquil.
Anyway, I digress, he's going to drink or not drink .. and he may need more than one trip to rehab before things settle down that is between him and his HP. It's more important how are you going to take care of you. Cathy mentioned the Getting Them Sober series I would encourage you to read vol 2 as well. It would give you a good idea of what it looks like when someone is actually working a program of recovery.
Keep coming back I'm glad you are attending meetings I also encourage you to listen to Alanon and AA speakers on CD. I encourage anyone actually there are some wonderful speakers out there and it helps to hear those stories they are funny, sad, and full of hope. It's more for me than hope for the A .. at least I KNOW I can get better regardless of what he does.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
