The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So tomorrow myself my husband and my daughter will be visiting my son in rehab for the first time since he has been in may 9.13.. Please advise on what to say or not to say.. But let me tell you I still carry the hurt and anger and pain that was caused when he was home and its something that I'm working on to try to move forward to heal myself. I don't want to set any triggers or upset him, but I feel he has to know what all he caused. I am proud that he chosed help for himself and his daughter, and I will support him with and through his recovering. But I feel scared and emotional. Any advise on what to say or not to say.
I would suggest.... tomorrow isn't necessarily the time where you have to initiate & clean up all the past.... why not just go there with an open mind, a loving heart, and see how it goes? Show & tell him that you love him and are proud of his decision to be there, and let him do most of the talking....
You guys will have plenty of time for the other stuff - doesn't sound like EITHER of you are ready to take all that on just yet.
Just my two cents
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you Canadianguy.. Your right. I'm going there with an open mind and I will let him do all the talking. I appreciate your advice. This is his first time far away from home in a long term rehab.. Well it's a recovery Christian program. And this has been the longest time his been in one. It has been hard for me to truly work my program. I work two jobs 6 days a week help take care of my dad that had a stroke in November and trying to gain and repair my marriage and the relationship with my 7 year old daughter. And truly greatful that I did not lose my jobs during all that was happening with my son. My main focus was on him. The enabler but yet it killed me seeing him kill himself and yet trying to keep it all together. I want to be able to have peace and move past this but it has been hard. I wake up depressed and go to sleep depressed. And to be honest its all because of his addiction. I never realized how bad this truly effected me and my family. I always thought if I begged and cried and yelled he would stop. He has told me before many times he is sorry and wants to stop but he did not. What made him make the choice to get help was when my brother told him to leave with what he has on and not come back unless he wanted help. He left and that same night he came to our neighbors not ok at all and said I have to get help before I kill myself. My neighbor called me and I packed and we drove him at 6 am 5 hours away from home. I just can't get certain things off my mind. I'm still scared though. Is he the same is he working his program but there I am thinking of him and not me..
I understand all the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that you carry and speak of. I discovered that the best place for me to release that pain was with my sponsor and by working the Steps. Please remember that you son has a serious progressive disease that is cunning , powerful and deadly. Your response to his illness was, like most of us, unsuccessful and caused much pain for you and your family. The best way to heal and let all that go is to keep attending meetings and by praying.
When you visit your son, for the first time, do go with an a grateful mind and heart , keeping HP firmly in your soul. He knows the pain and suffering that he caused Making amends is part of AA and Alanon programs and comes in time when we have sincerely work all the other 8 Steps.
Remember to let go of expectations and just feel and express the love and compassion that you have for your son.
Today's reading in the Courage to Change, page 174 speaks directly to this subject
Good Luck
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 22nd of June 2013 08:31:31 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 22nd of June 2013 09:14:34 AM
You have to start working on YOU and not keep your mind on him or he might just pass you by in recovery. Then where will you be.....still in crazyville.
Let Go Let God....
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Gaby - the rehab has counselors that you could ask to meet with on your own before, during, after.... They could be a good resource for you. As a recovering alcoholic, I can tell you that nothing my parents said or did mattered much. When I had the fire lit in me to really recover, I did whatever it took. Worrying about "triggering" him is treating him like a baby. He has to learn to live with life and all its "triggers." That doesn't mean challenge him or come at him with both barrels on the first visit to rehab, but he doesn't need to be insulated and protected from life either (and this more pertains to your future relationship with him).
Thank you all.. I needed any one and every ones input. An yes I have been told that if I don't start on my healing an recovery process my son may just pass me by. I'm on my way and will let you all know how it went. God bless :)
((((Sister)))) as you paint the picture of your involvment in the disease it really describes an addictive enabling and what's good is that you know it now and you are talking to others who have done the same thing in the past; some more similar to yours and some less...doesn't matter. I replaced resentment with forgiveness as that was taught by my sponsor. Forgiving was hard and when I was able to decrease my self centeredness in my relationship with the alcoholic/addict wife forgiveness came and I get something that works whenever resentments rise again. I learned to replace anger with acceptance...acceptance of the fact of the situation and not the morality of it. Alcoholism is a disease not a moral issue. She didn't "wrong" me she drank and used and abnormal became normal; she wasn't sane. Yes the rehab does have counselors who you can speak as openly with as you do here. Tell them the problems you are having with feeling hurt and angry from the past and ask for feedback from them also. HP puts millions of poeple in our path to help us...use em. Good Luck on the visit tomorrow. Will be keeping you in my prayers.
Been there done that....words that got me through it are " But for the grace of God, there go I" your child has a terrible disease. No child grows up saying "wow, what I want to be is a drunk or an addict when I grow up." It's a combination of so many things. It could have just as easily been me in their shoes. That reminder goes a LONG way hope it helps you too.
Al-anon face to face meetings, finding my sponsor and reading lots of al-anon books saved me from more of the same misery that was most of my life. But that was the past and now I am headed towards a healthier and saner life that I am enjoying day by day, flowing as much as possible enjoying the moments and the little things in my life. Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
