The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, currently I'm living with my parents, helping them with errands (they cannot drive and people drive a lot where I live), left my job to focus on my children's mental and physical health, my niece ....moved in with us (she is almost 8 months pregnant and husband works in the oil fields.....her first pregnancy)........I had filed for divorce two months ago and before he signed the papers had me convince him that I would try to "work things out" with him before he drove 1,000 miles north to get sober (which I did not want to do at all! But of course, I'm really not sure if he's playing or genuine "the tortured soul") When he got there I told him the only reason I told him we would try one last chance was so he would not have an accident on the way to his home......then I felt like the awful human being.....and then I decided, "I love him" again but I don't want to be with him. He has been sober 30 days and has already been appointed area secretary and claims he hangs out only with old-timers (3+ years sober members)
MY Issue would be my flip flopping and my need to be able to breath! I've been putting everyone before me.........I don't know where to start considering my responsibilities to my children and my parents.
He wants me to go 1,000 miles away with the children to meet him and possibly start a "new life" there. His mom is funding my trip.
The deal is I will stay only a month and if I decide I want to move on with my life I will come back.
I would love to go try out and live where he lives (Toronto as I'm in South Texas) but I feel it's way too soon and considering the fact that I filed for divorce......I'm definitely not a happy camper halting my decision.
I have a major problem with self-resentment since I did not follow through with my decision and have not in the past. It comes from being a people pleaser I guess or just the hope that I would be better......Or maybe I'm just looking for an escape.
I had another relationship last year that I already admitted to him, but he said he understands why and still wants to start again.
All I know is I am trying to come out of a depression where I have major....major trust issues stemming from very dishonest people (nonprogram) that I have associated myself with in the passed year. It was not the easiest year at all.
I go to Al-Anon meetings and even chair one a week and call my sponsor.......For while there I was blaming Al-Anon for my indecision. But f course, that is just me not taking responsibility for myself.....just blaming everyone.......
I want to take care of myself without avoiding my responsibilities, I feel that the people I love and I are too inmeshed in each others issues......I'm not necessarily looking for suggestions but I'm better at typing/ranting my feelings than verbalizing them.....that's why I really like this forum, and everyone is very insightful.
One of the ladies at my Al-Anon meeting here in town often says "Maturity is accepting what is and not wishing it were something else" ; tonight I will meditate on that slogan......and focus on Just for Today.....today, today, today.
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Thursday 20th of June 2013 09:14:45 PM
Take your time Rose, no rush no pressure....don't let anyone rush you into making any decisions figure out what YOU want. If he really loves you he will be patient. Toronto is beautiful... but I would question why his mother is having to pay for this...and is he ready to support you and your children. Oldergal....Give it time....
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
He is very very early in his sobriety, and ideally he would be devoting this time to learning how to be a sober person. The first year or two are really up and down -- and that's for the people who stay sober. Remember that a significant proportion of people who try to achieve sobriety do not stay sober. So the jury is still out on his future. It could be wonderful. But it's too soon to know.
The good news is that you have plenty of time. If he's going to be sober longterm and get a lot of emotional health, that will be true whether it's one year down the line or three years down the line. Things will unfold naturally over that period of time. The truth about what kind of person he's going to be will be evident.
The worrying sign I'm seeing is that he's pressuring you to try it again, hurry hurry, move out quick, kind of thing. An emotionally healthy person would realize that there's plenty of time. It's as if he's trying to get you hooked in again quick before you get on your feet and really get used to thinking for yourself.
The Al-Anon saying is "When in doubt, don't." I would say this is one of those times. You have all the time you need to see how things are going.
My Dad says, if you can't make a decision...then it isn't the right time to make one...I'm with the other members...Toronto will be there 2 months from now...even a year from now...give yourself time, focus on YOU, and clarity will come. Sometimes it just comes on its own good time.
I believe that decisions are not written in stone, sometimes we have to do the footwork to know if its right or wrong. Decisions are not right or wrong either, just learning experiences.
I love the ESH you received. Moving is a huge undertaking and the financials are the least of it. My exAH loved to move and have fresh starts all over the lower 48 but we took ourselves with and it never lasted. Eventually my oldest started school so I wanted to plant roots for us. We did good for awhile he got sober (dry) for 2 years then it all slowly went to crap. I say this only because I have no regrets I will always cherish those years I will always love my exAH but I know I timed out. I knew I overcompromised so much about myself that I needed time just to find my own peace and to get back to me. Big decisions take time to think out and feelings can and do change. Sending you much love and support at this time!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
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