Lost and don't know what to do with my co-dependency - Al-Anon Family Group

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

Lost and don't know what to do with my co-dependency

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi all

At the beginning of the week I talked about the movie " Life of Pi " and how I couldn't stop crying and really didn't know why. Now I have learned more about me. I'm still lost and crying once in a while but I think I know what is causing it.

For 3 long years I have been caught up in my son's alcoholism and my days were full of worry, fear and being co-dependent. 8 months ago I Let Go Let God take over. Little by little I put in place boundaries, stop enabling, started the steps and took charge of me.

During this time my son would get sober off and on....like 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off....with his drinking. On his 2 weeks off I had calls, emails, visits, texts and everything else you can think of. SOOOO....I still had a little job to do.

Now........

It has stopped.....

Son has called once and one visit in 4 weeks, letting me know he is fine, working his first 3 steps with a great sponsor and attending AA. He is looking for work and taking good care of himself. He told me he loves me and please take care of myself.......good bye.

I thought all was going to be same ole same ole BUT....for real..... he might be changing. Truly doing what needs to be done to stay sober.

DANG....I have nothing to do. I didn't replace him....I thought I was OK. My co-dependency is lost with nothing to do.

I'm good at work because I have a purpose there. But when I get in my car to come home I am like driving with no place to turn, not knowing where to go. It's hard to explain.... no purpose, no job, nothing to hang onto....lost. I get on these crying jags...it's like a death or something.

Well anyways...I sat on my butt not taking care of one the more important things I needed to do during this journey. My co-dependency replacement.

Not sure if anyone will understand but it felt good to post it.... smile

((( hugs ))))

Let Go Let God

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Cathy,

I totally understand what you are saying that all of a sudden there is this extra time as well as energy to go with the time. I don't have to worry, wonder or obsess over what someone is or isn't doing. I'm doing better than I was with this issue right now than in the past few weeks to say the least.

That term co-dependency replacement .. I like that term .. I'm trying to turn that person into ME. Taking care of ME, what do I want to do with my time and energy. That's hard to figure out .. the kids are gone this weekend and this is the first weekend for a LONG time that I will have for just me. So I plan on doing some cleaning, doing something for ME like beating the heat at the movies and maybe the pool. I will also be taking the kids and myself when they come home to a hog roast .. WOO HOOO!! That is a fun AA/Alanon Event can't wait!!! Soooo .. lots of very important fun things happening, .. there are some other things that have broken loose and it's just such a great place to be .. to be open to the new possibilities.

The emotions I think are TOTALLY NORMAL .. after all this time of not feeling because of being to busy to feel .. it crashes and mixes .. it's just a new level of healing that is happening to you right now. I know when I am in the mix it feels icky and then it's like a storm it passes and I feel better more sure of myself .. it's a great feeling. Enjoy the ride and if you need to cry let it out!!

Hugs P :)

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Bless your heart!

Is it kind of like grieving the empty nest, only 18 years or so later?

It is hard to give up the Mommy role. No matter how big or how old they are.

You'll come out on the other side, just proud of him for all he accomplishes, for his growing up at last.

And for now, you grieve. And that's okay.

As resourceful as you are, you'll think of something.

(((((((Cathy)))))))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

geez yet again Temple said what I was going to!!!

I agree, its more letting him go as he is growing up. That is hard for us nurturers. I have my animal family but I still do feel that feeling a lot. I get groceries and then think ok now I go home to be alone.

I don't know if it is the co dependancy at all. Does not sound like it to me. Maybe you need to find out what you like to do. Put up a greenhouse? Adopt a pot bellied pig? Redo old furniture? Take a class? Raise a few back yard chickens? If you take classes, they even have some at hospitals on neat things, you may meet a group of people to go eat with, movies and stuff.

Our kids need us to let them go. My son has been keeping tabs on me a lot and doing stuff. To be honest it has been nice to not hear from him a few days now. lol funny how almost dying has made him notice me..haha

Its kinda neat to see where we will go when we are finally just ourselves. Basically for me I am the same, animals, plants, flowers, etc.

Where did the child in you go? what do you like? Travel? Learn to use power tools? Baking? I love watching documentaries on Neflix learning things.

Business makes being home extra nice. I went thru some awful stress from the world recently. When it was over, all I wanted to do was bury my face in my fluffy dogs fur!

Glad you came and vented! hugs, debilyn

oldergal · Senior Member

I believe I have been holding out not wanting to really say it is happening, my son is sober and getting more sober by the month....I am afraid to just be happy, if that makes any sense, because I am always afraid of a slip on my part or his part.....you may be there right now.... In support Oldergal

tiredtonite · Member

Pretty nice that he's too busy with his sponsor and working the steps to hang out. I bet you're so proud of him. Yeah, it feels a little lonely at first but getting use to not fixing the next crisis is a wonderful thing. Nice to be able to go for coffee after an alanon meeting without wondering if the dreaded phone call will come. It isn't unusual for somebody only 4 weeks sober to almost be glued to the hip of their sponsor but also not so unusual for us to feel a little twinge of abandonment after being so involved. Summer is here! I hope you enjoy it. Maybe invite him around for a home cooked meal. ;) Hugs! T

laurab · Senior Member

(((((((Cathy))))))))))

It's so hard to replace the 24/7 worry and feelings of inertia and waiting and fear.
There are classes on line that might be interesting. Even MIT and they are free.
I have a book group that meets once a month. I don't see these women aside from the meetings, but it is a unique and interesting relationship. Your local library might have a group, or a local bookstore.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

God loves voids I am excited to hear what is next for you.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((Cathy)) It is quite a transition- the best codependency replacement is ourselves! Fill the empty spaces with serenity and things that are nourishing for you.
In support.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to get busy and find healthy hobbies with my spare time after letting my exAH have himself to deal with, I realized I then had to deal with myself. I felt empty and very lost and it took me a long while to find a new healthy purpose, but it was such a great time of growing. The lessons and awareness that came when I was first in those moments were and still are priceless. My sponsor really helped me to work the steps and learn all about me, my needs, wants, goals and character defects one at a time. When I am done with school I am going to do the steps again with my sponsor and really delve in, but for now I am doing all I can to survive which is good for me, when I get bored I swirl in my codie stuff. Sending you much love and support!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all so much for your support. I do have to find things to do....and yes Path I have to get on those candles lol.

After all I said....a little while ago my son called me. I didn't answer it. I just couldn't....I was to scared to be honest. I just know how fast things can turn around and I don't even want to know if he is in crisis.....and if he was I'm sure he would have left a message and he didn't.

I think if I even mention something about him sober and working a program it will all go to hell....like God is punishing me for not letting go.

I think my emotions are just a little crazy this evening...so I need to just go for a walk and do a little praying for forgiveness.

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

I totally understand. In a healthy family those symptoms would merely mean you are going thru empty nest syndrome;however, in this case it makes perfect sense cause you really haven't had a lot of time to deal with a son getting and or staying healthy. Leaning on his program and working with a good sponsor.

What I often do when things are happening in my life with not a clue in sight as to how to turn, deal, cope...it helps me to ask myself...what would I tell my sponsee had she been the one to ask those same questions. You have every right to have quiet time scheduled where you can study your journal or update it. Study your program and redo steps that have needed to be redone. Join a group of women who meet weekly to do ceramics, or take a jewelry making class, or pick up a night class at the nearest community college, flower arrangements, cake decorating. Or set up a get together with your sponsor for coffee weekly or start having your nails done, or hair done. You could always learn yoga or take a cycling class for a few weeks. Bottom line point here is create new interests that begin to fill you up as a person ....always remembering this is your only life too.

Take care of you.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Great post Cathy. I have not saw my son for 2 weeks now. My codependant gone like yours. I have to be very careful not to replace with my other children. I think there is a reason we became codependant. It helps us avoid ourselves, our own good and bad points. I know I have done this my whole adult life. For me it's a lack of self-esteem mixed with arrogance because while I struggle to look at me I have no trouble looking at others and focusing on them. I have hope though because I have the steps and they help me look at me and it's not that bad.x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, you let him go and placed him in the hands of God because you had to. When you decided not to enable, it was happened for you pretty quickly and you got fast results. I didn't see you wavering much and you worked very hard to get some distance between you and your son so that you would stop sinking down with him. I'm guessing that you don't know what the middle ground would be with him if he were to actually be sober. In some ways is easier to say "He's gonna be messed up and drinking. I'm done enabling" as opposed to "He's growing up some. What to do with an actual functional son?" You also don't want to get your hopes up so much I know. Furthermore, there may be some resentment still to work through. I mean he screwed up so many times right? AND cost you a ton of money. I suspect there is more spiritual work to do. Change is difficult...often times even change for the better.

When I had a void, I filled it with the program.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I like you take comfort in the 3 C's. The first time I heard them my whole body relaxed. If I know I can't control him, I am free to live my own life. So many times this took the form of feeling I was talking to a brick wall.
Internalizing that - I am no longer afraid my behavior will derail his recovery. Well, I'm usually not afraid of that.

I admire the way you work through your issues within the program. You're a great model for me. Jill

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My son kept calling so I finally answered. He wanted to let me know he has a job interview. Also did a little complaining about his landlord but I let go and let God keep his hand over my mouth.

I wish he would just call when he had a job but he didn't. He's still looking for my blessings and that scares me.

I don't even want to go there and I need to just stay on course and work my issues out in program. I have a sinking feeling of wanting to relax a little in regards to my son but I won't....can't...will NOT.

I pray dear God to keep me on the right path.

Have a wonderful TGIF everyone....

Let Go Let God

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

I'm not answering phone calls either here lately - just let them go to voice mail and most of the time, no message is left. Yeah, I do feel a twinge of guilt but only for a few minutes. :-}

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cathy

Have you considered getting involved in service with Al-Anon if you haven't already?

Be a literature person, treasurer, secretary, Group Representative... you could do these items at group, district or area levels. Al-Anon really can use the help!

I know when I stay busy, I'm less batty! Open up your ears for opportunities to get involved. :)

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Agree with Aloha,

Its not about just staying busy...helping others is fulfilling and helps to get out of ourselves.

Its about rebuilding your life and opening up that groaning door of creativity, Seek your HP and it
will open up the doors.

Hugs,

Bettina

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy: Lots of encouragement for you as you try out new things, develop new hobbies, make new friends, explore new frontiers or whatever else sounds do-able and fun to you. When our kids finally get to the place where they can or need to stand on their own, it takes a little while to make the transition. Friends of mine have told me that for about the first two weeks after their kids were on their own, they cried and didn't know what to do with themselves. Then, they tell me - that all changed and they started having a blast doing things they had neglected in order to raise and be there for their kids. Maybe the same will be true for you.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

smile I always say- don' be scared of tears... I am applying for a writing grant- a big, big step for me.

I had to ask for references- something i found really hard to do. I got two really good ones- basically saying the same things... an' out ripped the tear buds... oh my gosh!!!

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