"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

How to use the program in this situation? ES & H?

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, my Spidey Sense is really tingling.

I think this is more than a How do I handle this as an Alanon? problem. I was hoping a mental health professional would weigh in, and Jerry just did.

This lay person thinks she reads as someone with a personality disorder, at best. And alcoholics and substance abusers can behave the same way.

Consider: If she will gossip about her boss, your husband, in his office, in front of his wife, she will surely gossip about him to friends, family, random strangers on elevators, anybody within earshot. The woman does not know how to stop talking. And she will gossip about clients. That is death to an attorney's office.

I think you need to tell your husband as dispassionately as possible just exactly what she said. I feel that it is a one-man office, and he hired her and can fire her.
She may be trying to run you off so she can do "anything" for this "hero" of hers.

I wouldn't trust her with money, files, peoples' secrets, anything. Certainly not with your livelihood; husband's career.

If she wasn't thoroughly vetted before being hired, a good investigator could find out all about her background--perhaps more ammunition to fire her, if needed.

Just as a by the way, if she weren't spending so much time talking, she wouldn't need to ask you to do things that are part of her job.

-- Edited by Temple on Thursday 20th of June 2013 01:35:40 PM

hope4ever · Member

My husband Jim has an office and we got a new secretary about 2 months ago. Yesterday was the first time I have worked with her. I just answer phones and do very light work since I am more of the receptionist. So yesterday my husband was gone and she first commented on how beautiful and

sweet I was, then she was making fun of herself a lot and putting herself down in a joking way, then she started criticsizing me for things that she felt I wasn't doing her way. She was talking to the other lady who also works in the office and said that she is so thankful to my husband (To Jim) for the

job and he is the best boss she has ever had and she would go to the ends of the earth for him, then she said she was going to cry and she had to sit down. I said nothing because it was just really weird. Then she started trying to gossip about the last secretary who worked there and how she didn't like

how she decorated it and the decorations were ugly that the last secretary did, then she started criticizing how my husband wasn't writing up his work the way he was supposed to - she said her college teacher would freak if he saw how those were written - Mind you, he in an attorney and she is the

new secretary!!!!

She wanted me to print her off an envelope with an address on it and she barely showed me the address and moved it away and I said, "I didn't see the address" and she said "you mean to tell me you couldn't get it that quick?" and then she laughed at me. I was overwhelmed by her constant

criticzizing and so I started getting more quiet and then she yelled from another room that I was being quiet (she did this twice) and so I said "Well this is me and I am quieter by nature". I do think that maybe this new girl is so afraid of losing her job that she is using her criticizing to help with her

anxiety and she doesn't like my quieter nature. But I have spent my whole life trying to be what others want me to be that I cannot go back now! I want to be a confident lady and walk in there with my head held high. I am so tired of playing the "Nice girl of the Universe" Do you ever feel that

way? I think I need to set some boundaries with her. She asked me to do something on the computer and finally I told her " Just so you know, I don't do the computer work, I answer phones and do light work and spend time with Jim" and she was like ooookay and her and the other lady looked at

eachother like it was SO wrong that I didn't do more. Well my thoughts are that I am the bosses wife!! I can do what I want there. I am so sad that I have helped create this energy flow with our secretaries by how open, warm and nice I am . I always get taken advantage of. I do think that this

situation is a defining time for me though because I have gotten so much stronger. I would love your thoughts and to know if you think I handled this well and if I could do anything else to help this situation. How can I use the alanon program in this situation? I am wanting to work my program! I

didn't engage in her gossip and I tried not to defend and I really tried to work the program but what else could I do. I am open to any ES &h! :)

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

The first thing that comes to mind for me is "what you think of me is none of my business".

If you are happy with what you are and what you are doing.... and your hubby (and in this case, your boss) is happey with what you are doing - then pettiness from other office workers isn't all that relevant.

T

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

For me you describe a person with emotional problems; an inability to stay centered and self focused. She is in new territory and overstepping boundaries with the open and uncontrolled judgment and criticism of others that she does not have the authority to do. It is not in her job description and if it is the office is in further trouble. Even her "boss" is not safe from her criticism. Her emotions are all over the place. With the time I've had in recovery and as a counselor I wouold have asked her if she drank before work or taken mind and mood altering drugs...cause it sounds that way...to me. If I had a sit down with her I would do it in the Human Resources office with the HR person who hired her there also. Your future peace of mind and serenity doesn't look so bright with this type of personality. It seems already she is causing you to blame yourself or consider that there is something wrong with you. If the office worked well before she got there, the problem isn't you. Take your power back...go talk with HR...keep it our of your marriage unless your husband is who hired her. Just some of my ESH. Been there..done that. (((hugs))) smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

As I read your post I was thinking, too, that she is disturbed and not to be trusted AT ALL. If it were my office, there would be no chances...she would be out the door...she is poison. Protect yourself by speaking with the HR person, or whoever is in charge..maybe document in writing some of what you observed. PROTECT, PROTECT and PROTECT some more This sounds like fatal attraction waiting to happen...gives me the big 'ol creepies.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

A different perspective is: I know that it is really hard to have the boss's wife working in the office; I am probably not the only one who's experienced the boss's wife lording over everyone, getting paid for not doing much, doing just the things she likes doing and leaving the unpleasant tasks/work for the underlings while treating them like underlings. My opinion is that if the boss's wife wants to work it would be better for her to get a job somewhere else. Just my perspective from personal experiences. I will say though, the girl you are describing does seem to be a hard one to work around as well.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow! What temple said!!!! love,debilyn and btw, it is your business too if you are married to the boss....

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

You've received great responses. This does not seem to be a tenable situation on so many levels. In my experience, it is bad business when employees speak ill of their boss or negative in general, and / or exhibit bizarre behavior. A lack of respect and professionalism impacts all and is unacceptable; the sooner it is addressed, the quicker the damage control. Every office could benefit from policies and procedures and appropriate consequences for those in violation. It helps when everyone has enough work to keep busy so that there is not much time for blossoming bad behavior.

I also would add that working as the boss's wife does bring potential variables to office dynamics. Clarify and set boundaries. Maybe work the fourth step with your sponsor to not feel so burdened by feeling pressure to mold yourself to other's expectations. Repeated experiences are opportunities to work out a common thread from a different perspective.

In support.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel compassion for the gal. She appears very nervous to me and uncertain of how to behave with the boss' wife in the office and is blowing it in all areas. I don't know if she has a personality disorder or not - I haven't met her and I'm not a trained therapist. I do find myself wondering why she is so nervous if that is what is contributing to her difficulties in communicating with much decorum. I agree that she may be a liability for the firm but if she's saying some of what she is saying to the boss' wife is it because she feels that that isn't appropriate since it won't go anywhere beyond the office staff? Perhaps she had an experience in another place where she got crushed by the expectations and behaviors of people in the office and she is reacting to the past rather than the present situation. Maybe she just needs a little reassurance if she's a younger gal and hasn't had a lot of experience in the corporate world? Just wondering.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 23rd of June 2013 08:37:40 AM

little T · Newbie

well, I have another perspective, (I am a paralegal) if she is talking about her boss or any other employees as a new hire-she's going to be a Confidentiality Problem!
this is a huge liability in the legal field. Can you trust her NOT to run her mouth to the potentially wrong people?
what she's doing is not good business practice and certainly not ethical legal practice.

It sorta is your business, bc you are married to your h, her boss. Period.
that part is the legal/business part

personally. she's a loose cannon. I agree with the other posters as to her lack of respect and the boundary setting.

if she's trying to give you work to do, must you take it from her? I would set that boundary first! Start saying NO to her requests. Let her do those envelopes and labels, etc.
that was a strange and manipulative thing she did to offer you a task (the address) and make it a one-up *game*. Putting you down to boost herself.
If she hollers at you from the other room? Press the ignore button! That's just rude of her. Don't answer to rude.
Well, you know the drill-respect yourself FIRST.

PS
Do document all these interactions-they matter if you fire her past her probation period. You need proof of her behavior-dates, times, who was present-what she said. It's now sounding like a hostile work environment to me-due to her openly stirring the office pot. No joke.
I was a middle manager for 18 years-these people usually *fire themselves* because they are so unbalanced. they eventually crash and burn on their own But don't rely on that.

little T

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I would have a hard time working with her and think if she is new and already this much trouble BOUNDARIES need to be put in place, like sorry but this is inappropriate to discuss and please stop yelling through the office. Professionalism is very important and confidentiality is paramount. I am sending you much love and support on this one!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"