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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I am having a hard time having a relationship with my older sister. I've managed for the past few years by living thousands of miles away, but currently we're both living in our hometown and helping my father at his office.
She has been sober for a few months and I find myself becoming increasingly resentful of her. After rehab, she had no job and my father was kind (and enabling) enough to hire her in his law office. The problem is she never comes to work because she has to go to "AA meetings" and if my dad didn't let her go than he might feel responsible for her relapsing. What a great way to manipulate right? Anyway. I've been to enough AA and Alanon meetings to know this is none of my business and I need to detach. It doesn't mean I'm not affected. At least I'm writing on an alanon forum rather than eating smoking a bunch of cigarettes (how I used to cope).
My father has cancer. I become depressed when I see him stressed out because of his sick children. I have a brother who is 26 and is shooting heroin under a bridge. He is choosing to be homeless. My parents are amazing parents who provided everything for us. I am grateful I am well now and do not contribute to their pain.
I am crying daily about this and need to go to an alanon meeting. ANy advice would be much appreciated.
(((((linnylou))))) We are here to listen. Have you been able to locate an AlAnon meeting there where your dad lives? There is a MIP chat room here on this site that is not the same as a F2F meeting, but I have learned a lot by participating. PS I hope the 3 Cs can give your dad some comfort: He didn't cause it, he can't cure it and he can't control it.
Linnylou: I can feel your sorrow and your Dad's sorrow through the words you have written. Let it heal you. Let it heal your Dad. My suggestion is to focus only on what you can do to bring joy and tenderness into your Dad's life as his daughter. Let your sister's relationship to your Dad be hers and his alone by trusting them to do what they need to do in relationship to and with each other for now. The only thing you are responsible for in this circumstance is how lovingly you treat yourself and how lovingly you treat your Dad when it comes to daughter-father relationships. Anger and resentment and wishing your sister would be different with your Dad and your Dad different with your sister will only add to his pain and to yours. Ignutah gave good advice. I know you know that Alanon is the path for you. Keep coming back.
I can understand your feelings. In terms of how all this is affecting you: There are many sayings in both AA and alanon that could apply. Mostly, I am envisioning "Focus on what's inside your own hula hoop" and this means to ask yourself "Am I being a good daughter, sister, employee? etc..." It sounds like the answer to those questions is Yes and you can feel good about that. Those are things inside your hula hoop. The way your siblings act and the fact that your dad has an enabling streak...that is outside your hula hoop. Also the fact that he has cancer is outside the hula hoop. Even if all 3 of you were perfect model children, your dad would still have life stressors to deal with and this is his journey. You can't make it all better for him. I could envision frequently crying over him having cancer. That is bad enough without lumping in the extra stuff.
As far as your sister: Well, it sounds like you've been around recovery. At a couple months sober, she is just a giant whiny selfish baby who probably thinks she's doing so great to have a job and be going to meetings all the while when her poor dad has cancer and she has this mean sister....blah blah. Guarantee she's not able to see her part fully cuz she hasn't been sober long enough. If I were her sponsor, I'd tell her to pull up her big girl panties and stop making excuses. I'd advise your dad to read the section of the big book "To the employer" since he is choosing to employ her. One basic theme of that is that we basically owe the recovering person a chance to prove themselves and, if they fail, that's it. When I was getting sober, I never missed a day of work and I went to over 90 meetings in 90 days. I went to meetings before or after work. I thankfully entered into AA with a job and that job had to come first. AA meetings last 1 hour...not the whole work day. Whether you choose to confront her with this stuff is up to you as her sister and coworker. But I wouldn't do it with the motive of protecting your dad. He's grown and can choose to enable or not. With a newly recovering alcoholic, I have found that sneaking in the constructive criticism is the most effective since their egos are still so blown out of proportion. Something like "Everyone is really rooting you on in your recovery and we are glad you are sober! I believe you are ready now to be more accountable and be at work 8 hours a day no matter what and that you can plan your meetings around that. It's just part of being a sober, recovering adult and I know you can do it." That might go over better than calling her a manipulative self-centered brat (which may be the truth lol).
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Prayers for the health of your entire family.
