The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So sorry to hear of your pain and difficulities .I am very glad that you reached out and received assistance at church You re not alone Alanon face to face meetings were so important to me in my early recovery It is here that I learned to take care of myself, validate my needs and assets, and have my self confidence restored. There is hope please keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 18th of June 2013 08:36:42 PM
Good that you heeded your HP's guidance and ended up in the church where just the right pastor with just the right information met up with just the right person to pass the information to at just the right time. While the A "runs to the gangstas" you get to run to the Alanon family, a church and a counselor, too. Thanks for being here! We've been waiting to welcome you to the board.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 18th of June 2013 11:26:58 PM
My life (our life) has continued to be stressful. MY AH is continuing his path of personal destruction, and unfortunately I allowed myself to be consumed by the rubble. I have destroyed my laptop, my bedroom door, and my morale. I suppose all these years of feeling and being controlled makes me all them more sensitive when I have no control. He lies all the time. He leaves the house not to return for days....Of course I am not exactly welcoming so I can't really blame him, But it still hurts. And I get super mad. He says he is returning but doesn't. He acts like the strangers he meets are long lost kin. All the while ignoring me. I am hurting so I hurt him back...inadvertantly.
After meeting multiple strangers who hear my story and ask my permission to pray for me I have decided that *I* need to pray for me. I had driven an hour to finally speak to my AH, since he turns his phone off, and on the way back I decided to go to a church. I headed in intending to sit and pray (subconsciously hoping for help). I met the priest/pastor who quietly pulled me into his office. What a blessing. I had no where else to turn. I shared my whole story. I got it off my chest. I got a prayer book, an invitation back to church and the phone number to a counselor. He was right, I need professional help. My AH in his controlling ways has spent a decade degrading me to the point where I consider hurting myself.
I am unhappy, I am unfulfilled, I no longer feel safe and secure with my husband. I don't know if I would even like him or enjoy my life (be fulfilled) even if he was sober...unless he has years of therapy. And I have years of therapy too.
Is it over? Our marriage I mean. Right now, he is gone and i prefer it. And for the first time ...well ever...I have not really thought about him today. I thought about ME today, about MY recovery, MY HOPE. NOT even about how to run away (If I get the guts), not about how much money he is spending, not about how much *I* need to spend to (stupidly) get even. NOT about who he is calling or texting. If felt good not to think about him. Until he texted me "are you okay". Now I feel a little guilty that I stopped caring. Do I care a little...maybe. only maybe..and I can't believe how rude and bad of a person it makes me..but I don't have it in me anymore to care about his wellbeing. IS THAT NORMAL? Is if fair that he run off and hang out with gangsta's and turn off his phone and not answer? i do realize that my mental attitude does play a part in him NOT wanting to be home. Perhaps I will be able to make myself better enough that I have the capacity to act better. (I heard one of you say "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" I haven't been good at that, and I do carry some of the responsibility. NOT ALL, but some.
Beyond that, I am SO excited to go to church, to NOT have him around to make me feel like I can't make friends! it Feels SOOO good to have a appointment with a counselor...for tomorrow=), how great is that! This is a bit scary actually.. this happiness. It has been a while that I have had some peace or inkling that I can actually live a fulfilled life.
((((Sadsusie)))) go find that number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and find where and when we get together in your area. There will be a chair waiting for you and alot of other support...literature and a fellowship that knows what you are thinking and feeling because we have been there before like we are here for you now. You don't need permission to change the things you can...all you need is the courage; which is fear that has said its prayers. Keep coming back and let us feel this with you. We know what it is like.
There will probably also be a hug (if you want it) and biscuits
I read your account of the sadness and the madness and the defeats and the confusion and then you got yourself to a church and to a kind person who was waiting to help you on your way. I wanted to cheer.
In so short a space of time you've done something that turns your attitude around. You were kind to yourself and you've got hope for new things. keep coming back to al anon
It's so nice isn't it when you do just one little thing to take care of you. When I came here and started my journey I was lost, scared, worried and mad at the world. Not just my son but everyone and everything around me. Now 8 months later I'm starting to live again.
You know Susie....you can have it too.....happiness to live and enjoy life. You just need the courage to make that change no matter what your AH is doing.
Al-anon is where it's at and I can attest to that. Try a few meetings and see what you think
Take care and keep coming back....you are not alone.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I know its hard and it hurts, but on the other side is a life of contentment and joy, if you will hold on, let go, and let God. Many of us have drowned right along with the alcoholic in the dis-ease of alcoholism. It beat us badly because we didn't have the buffer that the active alcoholic has. We just got so stuck in the ISM of a disease that will never become alcoholwasim. Now we focus on our own learning, growing and healing, one day at at a time, and we do not do it alone. We do it together. I hope you are getting to some f2f meetings or will at least join us in the online meetings here until you can get to one. It will help greatly, as will reading the step work board and following some of the writings about each of the steps.
We are here for you.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Thank you all. Jerry F, it is funny that you mention "permission". I actually say that all the time. I need to give myself "permission" to do this or that...I think that it is an important aspect of my personality and possibly recovery. I have been consumed by the control of my husband my whole adult life that I knew that I never had "permission" to do anything, The priest made a point that I have conversations with my husband in my HEAD. The conversation involved him not giving me permission to do the things that could fulfill me. of course I don't actually ask him because I believe I know what he will say already so I don't ask, I just ask in my head. and I never win. you made such an insightful observation. I need to stop asking for permission when I want to do something that feels *good*.
I am afraid to say that I am starting to feel like there is no turning back. I am starting to picture my life alone...but in a good way alone....I'll be the boss of me. It is so sad to think that I want my relationship with my husband to be over. I know deep down he is a beautiful person. But I am afraid that he will come back and I will close up in onto myself again. I am afraid that I will continue to be sucked into this codependent mess - even if he gets sober. I actually have bags packed in the car. soap, shampoo and conditioner, toothbrush toothpaste, a couple changes of clothes...all so that i can make a run for it. =).if i have to. I say it with a smile, but it is the sad truth. I have felt like running for years and I have packed and unpacked a bag more times than i can remember. I am blessed that he does NOT want to come home, honestly. This is the first time I have given myself a chance to just *be* without obsessing about what he is doing. And I really really like it. I am alone even when he is here, so why be afraid to be alone, alone. I suppose now my biggest fear is getting sucked back into it again. I hope that a few days of real life, church, fellowship, and the guidance of a professional can give me more insight and conviction of improving my life. After I build some resistance to my old life of "permissions", I can venture out to a face to face meeting. I have been to two online meetings and while I can't say I'm cured (lol) there are certainly grains of wisdom that get planted and sprout when the time is right for me to truly comprehend them.
I am always grateful to you all. You gave me the support I needed when I was too scared (of my husband) to venture out and get it for myself. If it wasn't for you, I may not have even admitted that I *needed* help. You have taught me and helped me to see that I live/d in Crazytown..(now my favorite way to express what I have been through=). I would not be where I am now without the opportunity to connect with you all in secret. I will be eternally grateful. =)
Susie, you sound so ready for alanon. The complete package, f2f meetings, reading daily, this forum, phone numbers to help when you need it. Alcoholism is too much for us to handle alone. Go get your medicine. It's the best thing I ever did.x
Keep heading in the direction of the light with the complete package that el-cee suggests and the other doors your HP is opening for you. Lots of support. I did read your last sentence "I would not be where I am now without the opportunity to connect with you all in secret..." and am not sure if you are in fear for your life or just fearful of the changes that will come about for you with recovery and other assists? If you are being abused or if you are in fear for your life - call a local domestic assault resource in your community, the police to find out what to do to protect yourself, or check on-line for Domestic Assault Resource agencies. Living in a very dangerous situation is not necessary to do. Lots of support for you. Keep coming back.
