The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I get it! Damn disease, anyway. For all the modern science and medical breakthroughs, one would think they could come up with one tiny, tiny pill that would get rid of this thief for good. (Now's a good time to get the pillows out, throw them on the ground, stomp on them, pick them up, throw them down again and maybe do what a friend of mine used to do - open her mouth, pretend to scream, and then turn quietly towards me and say, "That was my quiet panic.") After that, if you're like me, you'll pull out a meditation book and find a reading that hits the spot. (((P)))
PS Believe it or not, the quiet scream really works! I don't know why, but it seems to release tension without harming a soul.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 17th of June 2013 09:42:02 PM
Tonight I'm very fed up with this whole disease of alcoholism and how it affects the whole family.
Anyway, it's all overwhelming and I just needed to say that right now, this is where I'm at.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ohhhh I had a tantrum earlier and it wasn't pretty .. I'm just tired of trying to separate the disease from the person, because I REALLY want to stomp on the disease and leave the person inside. It's not nice and it's not pretty .. for this one moment it's just how I feel.
I removed the kids and I to the movie theater and we had a lovely evening .. I'm still feeling on edge and thankfully I have an open meeting to go to tomorrow. My compassion tank is EMPTY .. I need my RA peeps to show me their recovery. It soothes my battered soul.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know how important it is to feel what we feel AND I think small temper tantrums ARE part of the process of recovery. There was a time in my own recovery when I stuffed everything inside like playdoh and just kept adding to it. I feel overwhelmed by the disease at times, too, when I see what it does to the people I love and that there is nothing I can do about it. Then, I realize that I CAN SEE the disease at work. That's progress, P, for me. That IS healing. And you've been graced enough to see it, too. And you'll be graced enough to see recovery through - one day at a time, one small movie at a time, one frustrating and painful moment out of many more peaceful and pleasant moments. I don't know what RA means, but I do know what I see in you as I read your posts. A woman doing the best she can with the knowledge and tools she has now who is progressing towards even more knowledge and practice with her Alanon tools. I hope you sleep well tonight in the arms of grace.
I soooo hear you, Pushka. These past 48 hours have been crazy for me. My AD and a friend who I suspect might also be an alcoholic both pushed me to the ledge. I agree, it is so difficult to separate the person from their disease. I haven't been to a meeting for a couple of weeks due to some medical issues, but I made sure to call my sponsor and talk things out with her tonight. She put me back on the right path and encouraged me to get back to my meetings, which I plan to do this week. Hang in there and try to stay clear of Crazytown!
I share your feelings too, and good to get them out there to help us all vent a bit about this! Wouldn't we all like to personify this disease so we could walk over and kick it in the shins?! haha
Sending strength and positive thoughts your way..we're all here with you
I'm soooo grateful I did make it to the open AA meeting I attend, RA = Recovering Addict (insert drugs, alcohol whatever fits into "Addict").
These are literally the people who remind me there is a person a REAL person underneath all of the disease. They remind me that YES they have a disease they are still responsible for their choices and consequences. Being an addict doesn't opt them out, they remind me of the need for my own boundaries. They remind me that sometimes they fall down however they can stand back up too. They remind me they are human and so am I .. children of God and not perfect, just trying to do the best they can. I am grateful for this lesson because these are the people who have kept me from acting out more than one dark fantasy and reminded me that things DO workout and YES they still suffer.
My compassion tank is not close to full at the moment, at least for today it's not on empty either. I can take a breath and take care of the business I need to attend and live my life to the best of my ability.
I am blessed and I am grateful. I need my 5 things today .. my gratitude short list. Today I listened and was reminded of the pain that is under the disease and what the level of denial can do to the person suffering .. it's not an excuse it's important for me to not get caught and stay stuck in wanting to inflict my own brand of justice. I will allow the courts to do what they need to do.
I was able to share my appreciation for the honesty I heard and state that my compassion tank is empty and I need to take care of me by remembering to stop and refuel. For me I have to (and I do mean have to) be in both programs for my own healing and grounding. I do mean both feet in and not straddling the fence, I can't stand with either foot balancing on the edge of two uneven surfaces. While I am not an A .. for the grace of God go I. I do believe that for whatever reason I didn't take that step off the edge and I know the destruction and pain that goes with it. I'd rather face my pain than pretend it's not there.
I'm sooo grateful for this board and recently have leaned heavy on it for the simple fact that it's what has been available when meetings and my sponsor have not been.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
So grateful that you found support and peace after your day. And, boy, do I understand the 'wanting to step in about the court thing'! I have been struggling with anger quite a bit lately and I think I'm learning a lot about it for myself. I don't scream into pillows. I go for a drive and I sing at the top of my lungs. Usually to some song about being lied to, cheated on, whatever, LOL. It works for me.
I think I am angry almost all the time except for being with my granddaughter. That's my piece of sanity. Since my A drank and drove a couple months ago, I just changed as a person. I pray, meditate, exercise, etc., yet I am so angry @ my A and her masterful denial. I hate the disease too. If I hadn't found alanon I would be in alot worse shape. You guys give me hope and strength, and I thank God for all of you, Lyne
I think my problem has often been that I didn't get angry enough, but now oh yes what I would love to do to do to this disease! It is cruel and wicked in the way it takes those we love from us, cruel in the torment it puts us through and sometimes so difficult to separate the person from the disease.
I am allowing my anger now, because so often I have locked it away and suffered the consequences so yes I would like to do more than kick it in the shins!
