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It's been a few weeks since my AH has been staying in his apt; this past weekend our kids spent the night there so they could be there on Father's Day morning, and that seemed to go pretty well. The kids were excited to stay somewhere new (I think it felt sort of like a hotel adventure to them), my H got very emotional about all of it, he is looking up at the apt with his stuff all around and wondering how all of this happened. Also...he called my Dad to wish him a Happy Father's day and had a very decent conversation with him, his own father hasn't spoken to him since he found out that divorce papers were filed. But, I digress....I guess I feel confused to some extent as well except I am very aware of how this happened, I am just sad that it did.
Anyway, we are scheduled for a court appearance on Wed morning to determine child support payments and I feel nervous. Why? Part of me is worried that the court will determine an amount that will be nearly impossible for my H to pay, part of me knows this will be a situation that he will see as 'You did this to us!' just when the dust was beginning to settle.
I have been feeling fairly calm and life's been more serene...but those old anxiety butterflies are back. Anyone who has been through this have some ESH for me?
You are indeed a loving woman and your respect and love for your children's father is apparent. When I divorced my first husband, I had those feelings as I had a greater income than he. We were able to settle on an amount out of court that seemed fair, so I did not have to experience the decisions of a judge. Turn it all over to your HP, which I am sure you are doing since you are working your program, and KNOW that all happens for the highest good.
I've been through it. My ex didn't pay it until I filed for his wages to be garnished. As far as your concern that your AH will see child support payments as being "you did this to us" - Question: Is that how you're seeing things? That court ordered support payments are your doing? In some ways, that's true and it is necessary for the good of the children that he helped bring into being with you. If you both lived together and the costs of living increased significantly, he'd have to find a way to meet the new costs to do his part to support his children and he could say then, too, "you did this to us." There'd be dust kicked up then, too - not necessarily a bad thing. Just an immature reaction to a new reality. He'll either do his part or he won't when it comes to paying child support - but - it's his doing, too. He said "yes" to bringing children into the world, too. It is his responsibility to help provide for them no matter where he is living. How he thinks and feels about it is his business and not your fault if that is what you're thinking? Hugs and understanding.
Find out what your state says and figure out what you need. It is better to reach an agreement outside of court, the judge is going to go by the law. You are right the courts may decider diffetherently if allowed to make the decision. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I feel the same even after being divorced almost 2 years. My exAH is now being made to pay more than the little bit set before and we have a hearing July 2nd and all I can think is he can't afford to pay more, but honestly they base it off his income and know better what he can afford than I. The longer I stay detached the healthier I am able to look at it and know it is out of my hands. There were a million times the money he had went to alcohol instead of a trip with me and the kids and atleast now I know I am putting the money I receive towards my kids. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The other thing I want to point out is this .. as a single mother I deserve the help, how he has to pay is just one of the consequences that comes as a direct result of the continued choices he's choosing to make. Trust me .. being a single parent is no picnic in terms of it ALL falls on me. When dealing with an A they are not involved directly on any level .. or I should say .. mine isn't. We went through the in the beginning he was still coming around .. then as he got his "single life" he stopped and wouldn't take them .. didn't take them when he could have last summer .. refused flat out. THEN there is the issue now that he's now "alone" I doubt that .. LOL .. he's now wanting the kids which is a direct result of the OP that is now filed against him in regards to me. It will go back to him not wanting to accept responsibility for the kids again when it comes time to pay for different things. Tennis, music lessons, school and so on, .. he's a dead beat dad and has to be forced to pay the money he owes. There is really nothing bitter in that statement it's just the truth that I have dealt with over the past 18 months. He has a J.O.B. ... he can support the kids in what they want to do.
Now this is MY situation and I am jaded as I've been doing this a LONG time at this point .. I just wanted to really say .. YOU deserve the support. YOU deserve if he can't be there as a parent to have some of the financial burden shared because it's not always easy. Take heart .. it's going to be what it's going to be .. don't sell yourself short because "he can't afford it" .. how are you suppose to do it all on your own?
That's what I look at .. I deserve to have financial support. I do LOTS of praying and self work when the kids go with him .. I deserve the break too. So remember YOU count in this equation and while it's noble and nice that you are looking out for him .. he's not thinking about YOU raising those kids on your own. We spend a LOT more time being concerned about them than they ever really think about us .. it's about the disease for them .. it's the keen alcoholic mind wanting what it wants and child support interferes with their good time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My ex didn't pay because he was using his money to support his drug and partying habit and dates. Court system helped a lot in this case. Usually we divorce practicing As because they aren't tending to their responsibilities as parents and bring chaos and misery into the entire family's life because of this refusal to grow up. We generally choose to move the child running around in an adult suit out of the house so we can tend to the real children's needs with less sabotage, chaos, overt and covert violence, and being expected to be physical with the big kid whether we want to or not. When the courts set the support amount, they can usually enforce it, too. They are in a better position to help the non-recovering parent pay something towards the support of their own children. I tried to handle that all on my own in the beginning following the divorce. Didn't work. Courts helped. Garnishment helped. He grew up a little after that.
