The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You all know I'm a double. You all know that I started in Al-Anon before entering AA. I took my Al-Anon program into those rooms or else. I am long past wondering or worrying how another alcoholic reacts to my programing. I know that guilt and shame on my part works wonders for their parts and soooo I stay on program without giving myself or other alcoholics and addict much margin...I know the consequences. On Saturday a sponsee from that program called me wanting a ride to the Sunday "At the bay" group...not a problem cause I go past his residence. He asked if another guy could come and ride the back of my truck to the meeting. Not a problem. What I told him was "make the effort to be ready when I get there or I'll pass". You already know why I said that. He already has taught me about how important is it from time to time. His consequences? missing he meeting and trying to cover for lack of commitment to his recovery. My consequences...peace of mind and serenity...I will not do resentments, anger, judging or any of the old stuff that use to own be as a newbie. Guilt and shame free sponsorship...I do my part period.
I got to where he was and he wasn't but the other guy was ready. Another guy who was also going (I didn't know about) was standing at the door as I told the sponsee, "You're not ready as you said...you gotta stay home" and I took the new guy to the meeting. Nice guy from the same island we are originally from. Life has been devastated by alcohol and drug abuse...we all know the story well. We had a good get together and the meeting was about to start when I felt a tap on my shoulder from guess who? LOL we know that they can make it and we know that we know and we know that they know it and so he had to do what he had to do to be there...and he did. He got a ride with the "other" guy so I shared a hug with him and a pat on the back and offered "good job getting here on time" and then a few minutes later handed him his one year chip. Of course he was uneasy and that is part of the tools for growing in recovery...we use the guilt and shame and resentments and anxiety., etc. to fertilize our own recovery growth. I didn't have much to say about it other than I've got a responsibility to my own program and to the others waiting for program servers to show up. "It ain't all about you or me". He said he understood and apologized; I don't listen to words...I'm a body language person. I reminded him that for me smugness has a consequence which I'm not about to experience with. This is a fatal disease. Thanks for letting me share. ((((hugs))))
And, thank you for sharing Jerry. I know I needed a reminder to stay on my side of the street and this is a perfect example of self care, and allowing others to take care of themself, as well.
Jerry, I enjoyed your share. Little things you say often not even realizing hit notes and cords and work as reminders to me and I'm sure others. I too am a body language person always have been, must be from growing up in an A family. I like the phrase "don't tell me, show me" your words mean nothing without the actions.
Same reason I've lost trust in the phrase "I love you" the mother always rambled that phrase out to express things like forgive me, or don't pay attention to what I'm not doing, or I may have hurt you again but blah blah blah, promises that never came to pass, lies that came with deflecting smiles, words that meant nothing without the actions.
Odd little life we are given to live. Strange lessons we often need to learn and gratitude found in the places we least expected to find them.
Jerry Thank you for a very powerful share. Many years ago my High School Motto was "Actions and Words'. It must have stayed very deep in my being and has always reminded me that words talk easy, however walking the walk is so much harder.
Loved how you did not get a resentment or get angry with the other party when you showed up and they were not ready . You simply stayed on your side of the street and did what you said you would do. No blame no fight , no manipulation. Just taking the next right action.
I also loved Peggy's share about the word," I love you." In my FOO those words were also used to justify unacceptable behavior and became meaningless to me. I remember as a child of 8 or 9 thinking:"I hope no one ever loves me, love is too hard" .That is sad when I think of it.
Im glad you got to give a Sponsee his chip. It's wonderful. My sponsor passed down a set of ddirections to me for the 12 steps and through that work I slowly became structured in every aspect of my life. I
I showed up for her right in time. I mean, as the second hand turned the clock to the minute, there I was. but before big book steps I couldn't will my way into having a better moral code or philosophy. I Just couldn't. I had lived another way for too many years.
and yes, I've talked many times here about being a double and the trouble I've had with other alkies. I can have those troubles with anyone if I'm not honest. I congratulate you for being honest..:this means you can rrecover or have recovered.
the Codie can't if he or she isn't rigorously honest.
i needed a sponsor who used gentle language but showed me with actions that she meant what she lovingly said. I got it after a while!
