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Going through the detachment process and really experiencing what it means is more complicated than I had anticipated. 1. My moods are just not the same for an elongated period of days or weeks. It is changing every day in terms of if I am happy and want to be around people, or sad. 2. And the types of actual emotions I am used to feeling are anger, resentment, now indifference more and more.. and one more new one: Mourning.
How can you be "mourning the loss" of someone, (in this case my A bf) and yet be still angry at them over their addiction and what it has caused? I always thought that in detachment, once you start feeling mourning you have worked through and let go of the anger etc. I will say, the mourning comes on at the most random times, almost the same as anxiety attacks. it is just there, and then fades away after a few minutes. And then later i am resentful for a bit.. and then it goes away.. its just a big conglomerate of emotions right now.. all of which stay within me, and I have stopped reacting to the A, or putting them on him, or reaching out when they hit me for some type of reaction. That has changed. Detachment is complex. I am just sad. :( whew.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
My experience has been: I thought I was going through detachment, and actually beacme totally indifferent, felt that I didn't care about AH, what he did, said, etc but behind all of that was a LOT of anger and resentment, and let's not forget bitterness! It took me a long time, a reconciliation period, a lot of alanon meetings face to face and here, and posting a lot, talking to alanon friends etc to get to how I feel now which is--relief, detachment, love, no anger or bitterness, hopefulness and sometimes sadness too. In my case I decided I could no longer live with my A, and like I said it took a lot of time, effort and work to get to where I am now.
Keep coming here and going to meetings and get your strength. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow
I agree, detachment can be hard to keep up. For me I try to remember the with love bit. It's easier. I can't live with an alcoholic. I tend to relapse, begin enabling and feeling resentful. I also mourn, my relationship, future with ex, my relationship with my son, high hopes for his future. It's loss. Alanon for me is about accepting the facts, leaving the past alone and living my own life
I felt mourning and anger with my break ups (though it doesn't sound like you are breaking up fully). I knew I felt bad because no break uip feels good. I really wanted it to work out. So then I got pissed at him for it not working out. I would feel sad and muse about getting back together....then I would remember some of the awful, insensitive, and just dumb stuff they did and then I'd be mad...rinse, repeat until I was thinking of that person less and less. So much less that I started going out...meeting new people, then dating new people. So...my life moved on. That is how it worked.
I had such a hard time detaching in the beginning too. It also started with not reacting like you. As time go's on and you can just say " NO " without having to explain ( not is a complete sentence) it becomes easier.
When I starting thinking about enabling or wanting to step in I go to the serenity prayer and say it over and over along with other slogans and prayer I can then detach with peace.
Keep coming back and practice.....
Take care
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I still struggle with detachment. I mean, I know how to be indifferent but detaching is not the same thing. It's all part of the process and no one said you had to detach and NOT feel anything. So, yeah, of course you're going to feel some things: anger, resentment, pity, rage, compassion, etc and you may bounce between all those feelings within the span of an hour. Give yourself a break, take some deep breaths, and just 'be'. It's Ok to sit with whatever you are feeling and work through it, it can be done even while trying to detach with love. It just takes practice.
One of things that I learned about detachment was that whatever I did, whatever I suggested...really, any involvement of mine with the alcoholic had little or no impact on outcomes. Didn't matter how hard I tried, how good the idea, the suggestions....and how well intended any of it was....it was meaningless. No matter how much WE want for someone else, THEY have to want it in order for it to happen. The detachment didn't mean I didn't care...it just meant I had to live my life and my AH had to decide how to live his. No doubt it is difficult (particularly since living with an A turns us into control freaks and how shocking to lean we don't have any control over another!!)LOL!!
Karen Casey suggests we are in each other's lives to witness, pray, and move on with our own lives (paraphrased from her book, Letting Go). I also knew a therapist once who also happened to be challenged with schizophrenia and alcoholism. One of the things I can remember him saying about his wife was how lovingly she treated him when he was sick. She'd ask him if he wanted to do whatever it was she was planning on doing and waited for his answer. If he said, "No," she left him in his sickness and went on with her plans. He felt loved because she freely invited him to do something to help himself feel better and freely accepted his no without stopping her own life for him. I'm one who has jumped in to "help" somebody or rescue them - whether they asked for help or not. I've gotten so much better at it thanks to Alanon, stories like the therapists, and books written by recovery alcoholics like Karen Casey. I still feel the urge to help or to rescue, but I've learned to say no to that urge more often and wait to see if someone really wants my help - and sometimes if they really need it even if they ask for it. I also feel like I have TO DO something often when I see somebody in trouble or hurting and her suggestion - see it, pray - and move on - has been very helpful to quenching my thirst for doing rather than being in situations where I'm not being asked for help or its obvious the person can or is doing what they want to do to try to solve their problem.
How can you be "mourning the loss" of someone, (in this case my A bf) and yet be still angry at them over their addiction and what it has caused?
I remember the first time I truly saw the level of my anger and had the spiritual awakening that the anger actually 'was the actual process of letting go. I was seeing the process in action. In an addict relationship, we are many times constantly grieving for some type of loss. For me? it was usually loss of my sanity, serenity, hopes, etc.. Regret is also part of grief, so if I look back on areas I have regrets in right now, I can see the areas I am still grieving to some degree.
I haven't seen my ABF in four months now and last heard from him in February when he called me asking for money. He came by my job twice in the last two months drunk, but I didn't see him. The first time my director told him I was working late and I slipped out the back door when work was over. The second time she told him I had the day off and she told he'd come around after he'd left. My dierector said she could see he wasn't in his right mind. One of my coworkers saw him and asked me if he was homeless, she said he was very dirty and drunk. I know he'd been smoking crack on top of his alcoholism for a few years and only found that out six months ago. In any case, I miss the man he used to be, but I struggle with my love for him. I REALLY want to contact some people that might know how he's doing, but at the same time I don't want engage him in his addictions. The second I get the thought as to what could it hurt to seek him out, I step back, think and change my mind. I remember the unpleasantness being with him has been, especially the past year and go about my business. I admit, I thought once I took myself out of the equation he'd come around and change a little bit, but it's clear to me he's not interested in being well. It hurts. We were together for nearly seven years. Detaching and at the same time caring/loving him has me all over the place, but I know it's the right thing to do. He has no family and what "friends" he has are street people. The job he had ended when the man he worked for died a year ago. So I get through my days praying, hoping for the best for him and living my life as best as I can. Peace to you all.
Cathy, I have a feeling I will be saying that prayer a lot.
We have gotten to the point in our relationship where I refuse to be around him drunk. His nights w/ me, he knows he can't drink. I just realized this small step greatly reduces the chaos in MY life at least. Peace and quiet now sometimes.
On his off nights when we aren't together, when he is getting wasted I can't hide my disdain. I may not say it, but everything about me says it . . and that is another form of " caring " that just makes him feel so good inside that I am not all that detached from his baloney really. I want the detachment for myself, and although I have stopped the anxiety attacks of what he is doing and being controlling on those nights which is great, I have trouble acting like it truly doesn't matter to me anymore. I just feel so angry and bitter I cant hide it. Plus, when he isn't just drinking and he is lying as well, or just not actually drunk but having alcoholic behavior, I just want to punish him by backing off and having the week completely to myself, and then when he calls me I end up reminding him that we are here because he keeps using and abusing us both. That is not detachment either.
I really dont worry about what he's doing anymore, but i am not able to let go of the fact that he keeps doing that stuff. Does that make sense? its horrible. I swear he wants me to be angry and upset, and want him to stop, b/c that means he has someone giving a hoot about it still and i am all wrapped up in this. its infuriating b/c i want to overcome that hurdle so badly and im struggling with it..
one step at a time i tell myself...
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Giraffe: When I feel that way in relationship to someone, I know I'm done in relationship to them. The anger - for me - hides the fear of facing what I know I need to do or want to do. I'm not saying that is true for you - but it has been true for me. Are you sure you're trying to punish him when he's behaving like a dry drunk by backing off or is your healthy self telling you to stay away from it? I don't need to know the answers, but I did feel the need to ask the question. Much support to you as you sort these things out for yourself.
It is a combo of both. I am backing off because he either just lied to me, or was aggressive, or tried to " cluelessly " hurt my feelings or make me feel insecure. I just back off silently and don't talk to him, but I am just so angry and resentful that it is pretty radio silent for a week at a time sometimes- and when we do talk I just don't have anything to say to him, and then it somehow leads into a lecture of what i am sick of which i am stopping. We just had a nice weekend, no problems. However the minute he left to go home, I was on my way to the salon, and I had overwhelming anger and resentment again.And this time nothing happened. ugh. its horrible and i dont want to feel this way all the time....
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
(((giraffe))) And you won't feel this way forever. You are doing what you can now and what you're experiencing now is exactly right for you.
My feelings of resentment and bitterness were stored so deep, I didn't even know they were there until I grieved productively. Once I felt them and could express them, the space under my ribs became noticeable to me. My ribs actually hurt when I let go of all that stuff that I'd unconsciously stored while trying to cope in my toxic relationship.
You're way ahead of me - you're feeling them and you're choosing to find ways to help yourself let go of them in Alanon.
