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My husband has been sober for a few years he had been going to meetings faithfully. I just found out that he has been lying about going to meetings. He has been going to "meetings" and working steps with newcomers. I confronted my husband about it and asked him where he had been. At first he said he would pick a quiet spot and read the big book. Then he later confessed that he has been seeing a woman in the neighboring town. He has been seeing her for 2 years. I'm so sad. I can't stop crying. He said that he loves me but that he is not in love with me. He said he broke it off with her 2 weeks ago because he didnt love her either. That he was just with her cuz he wanted to pretend to have a different life. That the woman had kids and he felt like a dad over their. We don't have kids I had 2 miscarriages. He had been aloof for awhile but he said that he had stress at work. We fight all the time. He said my nagging, depression, and my codependency have driven him crazy. He says I'm crazy if I want to stay with him. That only a truly crazy person would stay with a cheater and a liar. I don't know what to do. I have gone to meetings but I haven't improved. And he is right I do nag, I am very codependenr and I am depressed. What if I am crazy? Maybe I am not the ideal wife for him. I want to leave but I'm scared to leave I feel like we can work through it and I don't want to give up.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress I am glad that you have attended meetings and am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing.
Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive disease over which we are powerless. We who have lived with this disease become so infected that we loose ourselves, and have difficulty making decisions
Alanon is the recovery program that has helped many of us find serenity and even happiness. I urge you to continue attending meetings. .Recovery from this disease takes time and is a gradual process
So let me get this straight...he has been lying and cheating and distant...and you are worried that YOU caused this?
I CALL BS!
Sorry to react so strongly...but for 25+ years, my exA convinced me that I was the one with the problem. Certainly I had developed some unhealthy codependent behaviors (enabling, rescuing, minimizing, being the martyr) BUT I was not the one who was so sick with alcoholism that any semblance of judgment went out the window...spending, lying, drinking, not coming home...and god knows what else. and yes, I too thought I was the cause of the problem. We did not cause drinking, cannot cure it, and cannot control it. (the famous 3 Cs)
He has been out of the house for 3 years now, and formally divorced for 1+ and I am just now realizing the damage his emotional abuse and manipulation done to me...I still catch myself with negative self talk (in his words) in my head...
Please, please, continue to reach out...read melodie beatties books...and keep coming back...you CAN find your way back to a happy self...and you deserve better...
I only have a few minutes...it sounds to me like he wants you to make a decision that he has been unable to make. Don't take on the garbage he is trying to have you carry for him. The al anon work will help you sort out what is yours and what is his; with more clarity, you can make the decision that is best for YOU. In the meantime, in your head go lalalalalalal when he speaks!
I was married for 27 years to the A and we didnt have children either and he had an off and on affair with a woman and eventually they had children. I didnt know until he confessed because the children(twins) came and she would threaten him with telling me. Your husband is right when he says he doesnt love her, what he loves is booze, that is his lover and she needs a Father for her kids and that's way too much responibililty for the A and he is feeling the heat.
Don't know much of why, but what I do know is there isnt enough love in the world to fill an alcoholic. Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself. Just take your time and everything will reveal itself.
Those twins are 9 years old. He is not in their life and neither is she, he ended up never being with her and despising her and the kids, very soon after they were born. Being with Alcoholics is like the taming of the shrew. There are no right or wrong decisions. Do what is best for you. Stay close too Alanon for support.
I can't stand all that crap that Oprah spews, or therapists on TV, or even Dr. Drew, who tell us how we ought to be living our lives. You are the master of your life.
Yes, I have been separated,living on my own 7 years now. There is nobody in my life and its fine. I filed for divorce 6 years ago thru "We the people", cost me 700.00 as I thought I would be done with him. When I paid we the people,a visit to see what was going on,they were shut down by the Govt, nobody to represent my 700,00, so I left it alone and up to my higher power. Today the A is in intensive care fighting for his life. despite all that has happened and there has been plenty, I feel nothing but love and compassion for the man. Its the bigger picture we must look at and not what society says the way things ought to be. Too many have opinions on what love is suppose to be like and what marriages are. Yes we get hurt, were in pain, but we heal and the lessons are learned.
The best thing you can do for you life is to choose not to suffer too much, find your HP , stick with Alanon and use all the tools and spiritual guidance that can fill you up.
Keep coming back Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 13th of June 2013 05:32:23 PM
Hi newgirl, welcome, you have came to the right place. My ex would not take responsibility either. I was to blame for most things. It's part of the immaturity that often causes alcoholism. Your husband had an affair for two years and he is not mature enough to own it so he shifts it on to you. he then uses your emotions about children to deflect away from his behaviour. You did not cause any of this. Please believe that. It's the same old game of denial that we have all played due to alcoholism. Alanon meetings will guide you to the light. Take care.x
I also call BS on the idea that he has to go be with some other woman so he can be a dad. What a lowdown way to try to make you feel bad. If he wanted to feel like a dad in a healthy way, he could explore adoption with you, or even being a Big Brother or a position like that. What he's been is someone who swans into some kids' lives and then leaves them again. He shouldn't have gotten involved with kids (or any woman) until he was genuinely free to do so. Otherwise it's just a path to pain for them. That's if he really was involved in their lives. The whole thing could be made up -- he could have ignored the kids as he's ignored you. Or you know he lied for two years about meetings -- he could even be lying about there being kids. When I found out the extent of my AH's lies, I just could not believe the web of make-believe he had been spinning.
So I assume there's some truth to the idea that your relationship has not been the best over the past few years. That would be par for the course for a relationship with an alcoholic. But say you have a car that hasn't been running very well. Do you fix it by going next door and doing something else? No, you fix it by getting under the hood and figuring out the problem. If there was stuff he didn't like about the marriage, he wasn't fixing anything by doing what he did. You have awareness by saying "I wasn't at my best these past years." But that doesn't let him off the hook for his terrible, painful decisions.
That's not to say that you're obligated to stay with him if you decide it's for the best not to. The solution is to look the problem full in the face, as you're doing. I assume that if you decide, over the course of time, that leaving is best, you'll do that straightforwardly and honestly, not deceptively as he did.
The process of figuring all this out isn't overnight. That's why Al-Anon meetings can be so helpful. I hope you'll find a good local one (they say to try 6 'cause they're all different), read the threads here, pick up the literature -- and keep coming back. It's hard and no one should go through this alone. Take good care of yourself.
Aloha NewGirl and welcome to the board...I am not female so don't feel it like your feel it or some of the others feel it here and...I do feel it. Somebody else laying the cause of their lack of self responsibility and bad choices and behaviors on someone (you) else isn't even believeable. That is one reason I love the program. It taught me to become fully responsible for my own choices and consequences without calling myself bad or less than. Your husband needs to grow up...he lies because he is afraid of the consequences of getting caught and he lies because he is afraid of being responsible for his commitments.
Stay with your program...work the steps, traditions, slogans, literature, sponsor and HP connection...make it your life. It can and does make your life a miracle. Hang on to your Higher Power always and the fellowship. ((((hugs))))
Oh my my . I been there I no where you are comming from. Mine just got sober 7 months ago and the crap still goes on . I got him out of the house to clean my mind or I should say sober my mind because all the recovery was affecting me and my own judgement. MyAh had his affair to and used the same reasons and recently found out he was with his gal for over 1 1/2 and that she was on health plan as me!!!! Not including cell phone to . But as crazy as it was at that time being the co dependent I am . I kept him and deal with the stress because I had no other way to cope the fear of being alone and weak at that time. He has crossed the Line on lieing about treatment work a program he himself made up. The program of learning how to have is cake and eat it to.. Mine goes to meetings he says but I don't no that and in fact I don't care . It's his sin his side of the street that needs to be cleaned !!! Do not make that choice for him !!!! He knows your sad vaulnsble and week and if he still a active drinker he will make you feel bad.. Right down the list of good and bad then the list of truth and then lies and I toss that on his side of the street let him read it then he can come back with a reason why you should keep him
Thank u for all ur help. I have a lot of thinking to do. And decisions need to be made. I feel so terrible that all this has happened and I can not stop crying. Its bad enough I don't have kids but now Imaybe won't have a marriage either. At this time I'm severely depressed and damaged from all this. I need my HP to help me out
I don't want to make any assumptions about what your decision will be. But I just want to add something a friend said that cheered me up when I was feeling that feeling of "I'm alone and I'll be alone forever." She was in a relationship and I was not, and I said, "Your relationship may not be so good, but at least you're in one, so you have something." She said, "It's a terrible something. And to get a better one, I'll have to break up and then find someone healthy. You only have to do half of that -- just find the healthy person. You're in a better position because you don't have to struggle out of something before getting in to something better." I had never thought of it that way. So that may be an advantage to being out of a bad marriage -- you're available for a good one! Just to say that there are many good options for you, as there are for all of us.
