The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an alcoholic. He has been arrested for DUI, and many many more times, drank and drove but wasn't caught. Throughout our lives together, he was usually drunk when I needed him (so he was unavailable). He never got help, or went to AA, but one day our adult son went to his workplace and found him "smashed" and confronted him. Afte that he quit cold turkey.
That was 2.5 years ago.
Last Thanksgiving, my (heavy drinking, alcohol dependent, but not alcoholic) sister came to visit and I knew watching someone drink would trigger my husband. He went out and bought 3 bottles of wine (for her!) and presented them on my birthday, saying we should celebrate (I got very upset at such a "present" and so he didn't drink). 'Since then, he has mentioned he knows he can handle drinking again. I posted about this, and people here commented that he wants to relapse.
A couple of weeks ago, my brother (a drinker, but not a problem drinker) came to visit, and brought some beers and wine. My husband joined him and had several. I didn't say anything as having learned that I cannot control his drinking only he can.
Today I came home late from work and as soon as I saw my husband's bleary eyes, his inability to stand up, and smelled the alcohol fumes, I knew he was drunk. Of course, this time I said something (told him he was drunk, and asked him if he had been driving, etc). He said it was none of my business, and things descended from there (I try to control everything he does, he can;t have any fun, etc)
First would like to know what is an alcohol dependent person but not an alcoholic, or a drinker but not a problem drinker. Who determines all that? Did those person's determine that for themselves???
Anyway, I can understand the dissapointment of finding out your husband is drinking again. All the reasoning and excuses why he decided to drink are illogical and have no meaning. Of course he will put it on you and blame you because , your controlling, blah , blah , blah. In an alcoholics mind, its never their fault or their responsibility.
You know being a veteran member that you cannot control him and he is going to do whatever he wants. But you have control over your own life and the right to make boundaries for yourself.
Get yourself to a Alanon face to face meeting and pretend your a newbie and start the steps for YOU. He is drinking again and what are YOU going to do.
I call my sister a heavy, alcohol dependent drinker (my terms) because she absolutely must have an exact minimum amount of alcohol every day (it used to be 1/2 bottle of wine, now she has reduced it to 1/3 bottle. She buys this exact amount and drinks this exact amount. That is why I call her dependent, as she seems to be dependent on having this exact amount of alcohol). My brother was in the liquor business and did a lot of drinking in his work, and though he is now retired, he still enjoys and appreciates fine wine. I have never seen him become drunk, or drink excessively. He can drink or not drink and it is not an issue. So I said he is a drinker, but not a problem drinker (my terms). Yes, I am very disappointed. I have to think a bit about what I am going to do. I have never been to a face to face meeting and I think, for now, I will just come here and go to the chat.
(((((Ignutah))))) Aloha and I'm just hoping you are attending face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings. I'm just hoping. I can feel the hurt and pain and sense of loss in your post. Hang on...you're not alone. Keep coming back. Praying he finds a bottom with a Higher Power waiting for him to bounce off of it.
Sending you love and support. I hope at some point you will venture to a real live meeting. You aren't alone and no one is going to tell you what to do in terms of stay or leave.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I work in the daytiime, at a very emotionally draining job, and after I get off, I never like to go anywhere but home. On weekends, I take care of shopping, cleaning, laundry, and putter around in my garden. I also like to do the cooking for the first few days of the workweek so I have lunch and dinner foods all made. That's the reason I won't go to a F2F. This morning, my husband said that now he knows he can't handle alcohol.
I can understand how busy you are and that trying to fit in an alanon meeting may appear to be impossible. I too could not find time for alanon meetings. I also worked a demanding job, was the only responsible person taking care of all the chores, and a well as my son and could not spare the time.
One day I woke up and realized that if I did not get help either I was going to kill my husband or myself because I could not do this any longer.
That was when I made the time for a meetings. For the next 3 years I attended a meeting everyday. I found I could go either on my lunch hour or in the AM before work or in the evenings. The help that I received enabled me to regain my sanity and self.
I do hope you are able to find the time at some point.
