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I've tried to explain some issues to my A as clearly and detailed as possible, and without hostility. She doesn't get it, doesn't want to get it, got it and blocked it right out, or speaks some other language than myself. I honestly think I can communicate better with my 2 yr old granddaughter! A's are from another planet, Lyne
Yes as you have found A's do not understand English, or any other language. Certainly whenever I tried to discuss issues with my ex A all I got was gibberish in return, of course that is the power of the illness - I had to find that my illness was trying to communicate those issues in the first place. Living with active alcoholism is indeed more than most of us can bear.
Loving Detachment is hard to achieve and I sure did not get it right a lot of the time but I learnt that sometimes discussion is just pointless, and arguing or debating useless, cunning, baffling and powerful
I don't see it as not understanding English but more and not understanding things as you would like and also being in denial. A person who is not ready to see the light will only see darkness. In the end it all comes back around to you because you have to ask yourself why do you expect a sick and a irrational alcoholic to understand logic and reason
The responses are all good and let us not leave out what the chemical will do to the brain and nervous system and something else what is my expectation? (((hugs)))
Just saw this so didn't acknowledge in the private message....I agree w pinkchip and JerryF; it took me a long time (still working on it honestly) to realize that it was NOT reasonable to expect rational behavior and/or understanding from someone who is not rational. I have also thought a lot about what Jerry mentioned, who knows what the chemicals have done to the brain.
I guess you already know where all of this is going--keep taking care of you :)
The brain is greatly effected even after they stop drinking. I just posted about my son 3 weeks sober and still couldn't really hold a conversation with him. It's sad but that's why we let go and keep it simple
(((( hugs ))))
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Wednesday 12th of June 2013 10:09:04 AM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I deal with this all of the time right now and really hear what you are saying. It's just like has been shared .. expecting rational normal thought process is not something the A in my life can give. Instead of him looking irrational .. I do when I try and reason with him .. it's me.
I had forgotten about my nailing Jell-O to a tree analogy however it fits. I can swing that hammer all I want to the Jell-O is going to slide right through the nail. Something just aren't going to stick and I either have to accept this is the way it is or choose to make a change in me so I'm not trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
After all no matter what is said and done in the end who winds up looking like the nutter .. the A or me trying to nail Jell-O to a tree?
Hugs it does get better and easier, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi, Lyn: I used to wear myself out trying to help some of my loved ones understand where I was coming from on various issues. One day, I realized that although I could still say what I wanted and needed to say - it was up to them to hear it, understand it and sometimes act on it or not. It's just like carrying the message in all our affairs; we can carry the message - we just have no control over the outcome. I guess the say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean can be applied when trying to discuss issues, too.
I didn't understand Many things in Alanon when I first arrived. I believe it's the same for them. The idea also being alanon is a spiritual program. When I try to explain some things it's on a spiritual level .. they can't hear it .. then again sometimes don't want to so closed mind.
I'm sorry, I laughed when I read your subject line. I can hear the frustration and I'm sure I've wondered that many times myself.
I just have to remember that trying to understand the A and how they think and rationalize behaviors is an exercise in futility. If I want to make myself bonkers, I'll try to understand an A.
A's are going to do what A's are going to do. All I can do is make changes, amendments, and decisions that are in my own power to do. That can also mean that if I explain something to an A once and they just "don't get it", I can choose to not explain it a second time and let them face the consequences of their not understanding whatever it was I was trying to explain.
As ever I am reminded "Say what you mean- Mean what you say but don't say it mean"
I really need to remember this at the moment, its a struggle when the A is trying to place the blame on me. We are not even together but foolishly because I care about him I had maintained contact and tried hard to be a friend as he has no others.
All that has really allowed is for his illness to keep crossing my boundaries and I am responsible for those. I have told him that at the moment I want no contact and will ignore calls, that calls should be to his mental health worker or solicitor - not me, as Aloha says if I want to go bonkers ill try and understand the A and the past few weeks has been a sharp and necessary reminder that to do so is impossible. As others have said who knows what damage to the brain alcohol causes.
I didn't cause it, cannot control it, and cant cure it
What I can do is thank my HP that I am not cursed with this terrible disease, that my life is blessed with many riches.
