I seem to be getting worse - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I seem to be getting worse

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

As I work my program and find out more about myself I see a really bad side of me. I hurt this morning and having a hard time forgiving myself. Sometimes it seems I will never get to a point to be able to make amends to anyone in my life.

Just got to say it's hard to think about all my wrongs and problems and trying to make the changes I need to make.

At my age I think I will die before I get it right.

PS: I'm crying about it right now and not even sure if that is good or thinking I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, Sometimes we just need to stand above us and our situation and see it symbolically and through the eyes of God, as best we can...this is detachment. There is never a "bad" side without having the equally opposite "good" side. I prefer to see them as light and shadow....when we are able to see the shadow sides of us, embrace them, we can heal, as they have been illuminated. I actually see all of this coming out as so positive for you, it means the healing may be accelerated. Put no pressure on yourself for forgiving anything or anyone right now, just reframe and look at all of this from a differenct perspective....there are no right or wrongs and when we can keep the light and shadow sides of ourselves in love (God), wowee wowee. much love, honey; I hope this helps

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy,

I hope if you are working a step 4 that you are doing it with a sponsor because that is soooo necessary. I find I will spend far more time on what's wrong with me instead of seeing that some of my character defects were assets based upon the situation I was in. It is way way way to easy to spend time beating myself up about the past. Past regrets, actions, anger and so on .. I have to remember that at any given time I have always done the best that I can do in any given situation. Yes, .. sometimes my best really pretty much sucked .. it was all I had at the time and I don't have to hold myself hostage over the past. I can learn from it and grow, remember it in terms of knowing there is a different choice to be made and I am free to make those choices differently now.

I'm very grateful that this is a program of progress not perfection and I really encourage you to stop beating yourself up over things that you can't change and start focusing on what you can change. You absolutely can't eat an elephant all in one bite .. it takes a little bit at a time.

What helps me so much in meetings is hearing people with 10 - 20 years of program tell on themselves for lack of a better term .. I don't have to do it all right and I don't have to do it all right now. All I have to do is be the best person I can be without the expectation that I need to be perfect. I'm going to fall down, I also know I can get back up and try again.

A bad moment doesn't make it a bad day anymore than a bad day doesn't make it a bad life. This too shall pass, keep the faith sister.

Hugs P :)

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

A bad side? I call it a challenge or development work. Your never going to be perfect and can you imagine the person that is? They would be a right pain in the neck. You've been just what I needed at times. Soothing self talk is needed.x

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Been here done this myself ((((Cathy))))...and then with deeper searching came to the tap root of all of my character defects...pride and ego...`specially ego. Kinda wierd realization that it was my ego and pride which was keeping me from self acceptance and forgiveness. It was the same ego and pride that kept me from forgiving others in my life who I felt had wronged and hurt me. As my sponsor taught me..."Its not that you can't do it...it's that you won't". As a child of God...you are most forgiveable...let it go...move into the spirit of the light. (((((hugs))))) smile

ParisMemories · Senior Member

Hi Cathy Apologies if this shows up 2x. Damn phones! :) What I want to say is I understand, none of us are perfect, but we are all children of God, growing and hopefully learning. I have appreciated all of your posts and shares on this board. I needed a role model on how to work this program, and you are one of the many wonderful models I have found here. Please be gentle with yourself. You are good. Hugs

samc · Member

I had a huge shift in my recovery when I asked myself, "Would I be as hard on my best friend as I'm being on myself right now?" The answer was never yes. When I started treating myself with the care, patience and compassion I would offer my dearest friend, I began to like myself a lot more. Sounds like you could put your son in that question!

I hear you on the sponsor issue. I think I was hasty in choosing mine, even though I was 6 months in program when I did, because I caved to peer pressure and everyone was always saying, get a sponsor, get a sponsor. So I pretty much picked the first woman who was available! I ended it over the weekend, and felt proud because I knew it was a radical act of self-care. I deserve only relationships that are nurturing and supportive, not ones that hold me back or see me as less than I am. She wasn't very serene, and made me feel crazy.

Now I'm going to really trust my HP to show me a sponsor that will be for the highest good.

cwya · Senior Member

(((Cathy)))))))))))))))) I can only echo what others have said. I know only too well the place you find yourself. I'm a recovering perfectionist! But if I just keep working on what I've heard people call "reverse" pride I know I can always progress. Sometimes standing still is also progress. I thought Nobody was as Awful as Me so I didnt deserve to be healed from all my wounds. Try to remember we all experience the place you're in. You have helped me enormously to stay grounded and focused on me not what others may or may not do. I want you to know and love the person we see in your posts.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

The first person I asked to be my sponsor turned me down cold. A double-winner - she told me flat out she was still too self-centered and selfish to sponsor. She returned to drinking not long after that. I was grateful to her for her honesty. I asked my HP to help me find a sponsor that was right for me. The woman chosen - well - wasn't somebody I would have chosen. In fact, I can distinctly remember saying to myself "Well, she isn't somebody I'd choose for a sponsor." She's been my sponsor for years now and has been such a blessing in my life. Maybe the sponsor you have was right for you at one time, Cathy, but you've grown and its time for another? Hugs, friend.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

What makes us believe we have all that power over circumstances and people. I know I sometimes fall into that trap and blame myself for all the ills of the people in my life, especially the A.

All we can do is find out our part in it , forgive ourselves, not let it be a stumbling block and move on. For if we continue then we see ourself as victims. We have our higher power and so does every other human being. Everyone has the choice to take the higher road and everyone has their lessons to learn, we cannot control the events of the people we love.

Lets just keep on following that light of wisdom for our lives. Just being in Alanon tells me that we are all seekers and want to live the best life we can.

Hugs,

Bettina

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sweet one, I invite you to stop that negative talk in your head! You my dear are very ok just how you are. We are all a work in progress! Just stop those dumb negative things and put in I like me just how I am. Or things are ok just how they are.

Look at what is good about you! You are friendly, kind, a loving mom, a good friend, pretty as heck, thoughtful, giving and more.

I don't allow that bs in my head. It only makes me mentally/emotionally sick. I got very stressed and ate wrong. Was miserable. Now I am right back doing the right things and am proud of me. I don't kick myself for messing up. All paths are curvy to straight to slopy or down hill. Life is like that.

Have you ever seen the movie,"Parents" with Steve Martin? Its so cute................

AND my dear, what are you doing for fun? Are you laughing???? hugz! debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy

You have already received great responses. I believe that making amends is more that saying, I did this and I am sorry . I could do that easily. Making amends, to me means changing my behavior and to respond differently. You are already doing this

I would just like to add that program taught me that it isimportant to accept that I am an imperfect human and the real purpose of my recovery was to accept myself for who I am.

My recovery required that I work the Steps so that I could find out the negative tools that I had developed by living in the disease of alcoholism . The purpose of finding these tools was so I could see how they Hurt ME and to be willing to let them go and develop new responses.

Some of my destructive tools were judging, critiquing, pretending , denial. These hurt me terribly and kept me isolated. When I saw that I was all to willing to let them go When I did HP replaced them with constructive actions that enabled me to live with compassion, love understanding and forgiveness

.

One day at a time you are doing just that Please be gentle with yourself

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I thank you all so much for the support and courage to change. I find it's not only the Alcoholism that made me what I am but a life of thinking one way and now it seems to be coming to a head for me. I deleted one of my posts because I shouldn't have said what I said about another. It's me that has to find what I need to help me and not judge or have resentment of others. Yes I am human and I learn from my mistakes.

This program has taught me so much already but I have only scratched the surface. As I continue to learn I now know why its a life style not just a lesson to take and walk away from, when we think we are recovered.

I am so grateful to have God in my life...Al-anon in my life and MIP in my life.

8 months ago I didn't know which way was up and now I can have peace and sanity.

((( hugs ))) and again Thank you

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